Stopping the cycle of nag/shout/nag

[Myohmydeliah]

Desperate for any advice please on how to stop being a shouty mum?

I seem to have got into a really bad cycle of shouting and getting so frustrated at all the usual kid stuff e.g. not getting ready for school when asked or them refusing to tidy their rooms or pick up after themselves.

Two DC aged 7 and 9 - both generally quite good but awful at getting themselves organised. And they definitely don't respond to shouting - it just makes them switch off more so I need a new approach. Crunch times are getting out for school and then getting out for swimming one night after school and on a Sunday morning one DC has football training.

I just feel like I've run out of ammunition - have tried tick charts, timers for getting us out of the house of time, reward charts for listening and doing chores. No TV until jobs done, screen time ban etc.

Nothing seems to work and I seem to be constantly nagging and eventually shouting which makes me feel guilty, and also makes a horrible atmosphere in the house.

Any tips on what works to either help me keep it together or get DC more organised?

If getting ready for specific activities/at specific times of day are a problem have you tried a sort of 'visual timetable'? We had a similar issue getting DS to get ready for school in the morning- left to his own devices he would still be in his pyjamas daydreaming by mid-day but no rewards/threats/shouting/cajoling seemed to bother him. We got him to sit with us and draw up a timetable of what should happen in the morning (eg- 7.30 get dressed, 7.45 breakfast, 8.15 brush teeth, 8.25 put shoes on, 8.30 leave) and gave him a watch to wear. we put the timetable up on his bedroom wall and told him he needed to follow it (periodically asking him to check his watch and say what he should be doing). I expected it to be a total failure but actually it's made a huge difference. It seems like he responds better to being referred to the timetable than just being told by me that he needs to do the same things.

I've found that I have to allow an extra 5-10 minutes to get ready. If I'm not rushed, I don't stress and therefore I don't shout.

I know that doesn't help in every situation but it definitely helps me in the mornings when I have to wrangle 3 kids out of the door at 8:15!

Sorry, forgot to add that I also have certain times to do things. E.g. time to brush teeth and get dressed at 7:30.

I found Calmer Easier Happier Parenting really helpful.

There’s a section on getting them to do things the first time you ask. I’ve forgotten the exact steps but along the lines of standing in the room with them, give instructions, get them to repeat the instructions and stay there until it’s done.

It made me realize that I was telling them things at a distance and expecting them to get on with it before I’d actually thought them how to stick at a task and follow through.

I don’t need to always stand over them anymore as they’ve become more competent and organized over time.

I’m not explaining it very well but it’s a very good book. And quite realistic I felt in its scope.

Also, have a look at the Orange Rhino Challenge.

I'm following this thread closely as I'm having the same isssue. I have 4dc aged dd12 dd9 dd4 ds1 the younger two are no problem but the older two drove me mad. Especially dd12 she's so lazy and so messy it's unbelievable. I'm constantly a shouty mum and I really don't want to be.

I second the timetable idea, it’s transformed mornings here. I made her a list of what she needed to do (breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth etc) and also let her use my old phone to set herself timers for how long I think it should take her to do each thing (she will spend an hour and a half eating breakfast if left to her own devices!) and off she goes. Our mornings are a lot less shouty! She is nearly 7.

I found that I have to leave loads more time than I would consider reasonable as its when there's a prospect of being late that I get stressed and start chivvying them along which doesn't work anyway.
The other thing I find good is to ask every time as though it were the first so if I politely say "can you please get your shoes on" nicely rather than yelling because it's the eleventy billionth time I've said it that morning, we all stay calmer and nicer and it gets done. Bizarrely, my dd who was the worst would react as though it was the first time I'd asked, as if she'd not heard the first 10 requests!
The other thing that changes is that they soon care whether or not they are late (about 9/10 I think) and that makes a world of difference.

Thanks for all the suggestions. Feel better for knowing it's not just me that has this struggle!

We did have a pictorial timetable thing when they were younger, think I've still got in so I'll dig that out and give it a go.

I've also ordered Calmer Easier Happier Parenting so hopefully will come up with some better strategies