How to stop comparing myself

[OrcinusOrca]

I feel pressure thinking that person x got to stage y in their career by age z. Writing it down I know I would tell friends that it's really silly to compare people. So why can't I accept that myself? Growing up I was always told I was really bright and people had high expectations. I had a difficult time growing up and have still managed to do well on paper (somehow) but I could have done better without the troubles I had. But I still seem to end up comparing myself to other people and then feel really pressured and rubbish if I don't match up. It's like I need to match up to the people I think are doing well to feel like I'm doing well enough.

Has anybody else been like this and managed to stop? Feeling a bit fragile and useless at the minute, so would appreciate responses that are not too harsh if possible

Well look - I don't mean to be harsh and I get that you feel like this BUT...It's a negative behaviour. It's not bringing anything to your life and it's not making you happy. It's not changing anything.
WHY do you need to match up to other people? What's wrong with just being you - because, you know, that's who you are! You simply can't be anyone else. Do you maybe have self-esteem issues? Would it help to talk this through with someone?

You can’t live anyone else’s life.
You can’t spend their salary.
You can’t really know what their life is like.

What you can do is be the best possible version of yourself.

What is fantastic about you Orcinus?
What do you need to work on?

Make the most of your talents, work in shoring up any weaknesses, be kind, be healthy physically, make healthy practical goals and seek contentment.

Envy is getting in the way of being the best possible version of yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with using other people as inspiration. Just remember that they are being them, you need to be you.

If you need to make changes in your life, make a plan and get going with it.

Don’t waste your time on worrying about other people’s plans. Do you.

Thanks both, some rationality is helpful!

I go through phases where I think I'm reasonably confident, but I don't know if I might just be convincing myself of that when deep down perhaps I don't think it. It's like I can't look at myself in isolation. I don't think I'm necessarily envious of others, it's more, oh this person did x and y by the time they were however old, and I think they're great and have done really well, if I'm on a similar path, why don't I think that about myself? And then I tell myself because I think the other person is great I must apply that to myself. Justification in rating myself I suppose. I quite naturally doubt myself in the first instance of everything.

How do you improve self esteem? I don't think I know how to be happy, maybe that's a driver too. I had counselling a couple of years ago about general life stuff and I know I needed help but it got to a point where I didn't know what would help and it felt like a waste of money, so I stopped going.

I’m exactly the same OP! I irritate myself with it a lot. For example, I’m in a creative industry that just seems saturated with self employed people doing really really well, all with a couple of young kids too, and I think, what is even the point in trying when everything has been done already, and done well.
But I always try and snap myself out of it. My DH is a great help and he complete opposite attitude. Not everyone can be he best and also I don’t acually want to be the best at what I’m doing, with everything that goes along with that. So why do I feel unworthy as I am? Social media. All I have though is a business Instagram page so avoiding it as much as I can. Comparison is the thief of joy!
I went to this little farm the other day and realised, they’re happy as they are, they’re not trying to compete with the massive play farm down the road. People will come to the small, quiet petting farm. It’s a different thing. I don’t have to be the biggest and best in MY field to succeed either and have a happy life. Smaller is actually better for my personal work-life balance and I’m not actually that interested in introducing stress into my life. But still, I feel I need to do more, more, more - to have something to say for myself maybe?
Anyway, tangent, not sure how much of that is actually relatable to you but I share your anxieties I think.

Compare and despair. Realising you're doing it is the key to changing it. It is self esteem and drawn may probably from your difficult start. When does it feel better/ you don't compare?

I'd wonder if it's not related to being to,d what a high flier you were as a kid.... how could you not feel the pressure?

But it's time to grow up and woman up, in terms of a new assessment.

Only YOU get to say how far you want to go, and as others have said, it's not always about being the best. It's about happiness and fulfilment.

But set next to your self esteem, that is a different matter.

So I'd say go for two approaches.

1. look at your self esteem. Get the self help books and work them through, go on an exploration of yourself.
2. consider your professional future. Do you want more? Or not? We could all go further but it that lifestyle right for us? Not always. So you decide how far you want to go professionally.

I don't compare at all. Firstly, I have worked in charity all my life which really answered my desire to be different, to do something exciting and conversation worthy. Then I had a boyfriend who was very successful, globally travelling musician, and he and all his friends did their own projects which came to life hugely. I decided to write a book and got an agent, who I still have, but we didn't get a deal for that book so I self pubbed it. On to my second now. At the same time, 11 years after that London charity job I have moved to the deep country to work part time now and live slower. That's hardly climbing the ladder but it makes me happy, feel proud and that I a man creating the life for me.

So what I'm saying is, yes do something amazing if you want to and are of a mind to, but make it for you, part of what you think is amazing. Throw off the shackles of expectation and craft life for yourself.

The self sabotaging thoughts are nothing. They can be managed away xxx