Regular poster on the TTC boards, but have NC'd for this.
Really need a hand-hold/cuddle.
My self-esteem has completely deteriorated over the past two years.
I left a well-paying role in a company I loved to take a huge pay cut and work remotely as my fiance's (now DH's) was offered a promotion in a different part of the country (his hometown).
I was really keen to take the role as was playing sport to semi-pro level and this new role offered me the freedom to train more and hopefully go professional.
6 months in, so 18 months ago, I suffered an injury and which I have no chance of recovering from. I can still compete at a low-level, but I don't get any enjoyment/satisfaction from this.
Since DH's promotion, his sex drive has completely and utterly deteriorated. He says he's too stressed/tired and I absolutely haven't pushed him on that.
We got married in July and talked about starting a family. We dtd twice on our honeymoon, once in October and by absolute luck, fell pg.
It sounds so cliched but it actually was the happiest moment of my life when I saw that +ive. I finally felt like I had a purpose.
We had an early scan at 6+5, saw a heartbeat, and then at 8, I miscarried.
DH was devastated, genuinely, and promised me we'd do everything we can to ensure we fall pg again as soon as we can.
That was December. In that time, we've dtd once, outside of the FW.
Last night, I completely broke down and told him just how much of a failure I feel like. I'm not feeling successful in my job, I've lost my sport, I've lost my baby, I don't feel wanted by him...
He told me he's doing everything he can for me to fall pregnant again, and told me to just be patient and that it takes some people years to fall pregnant. He absolutely did not understand that we will fall into that category because we are not having any sex. He said that he's trying his best but apparently that's not good enough for me.
I'm 25, I'm a size 6. I make an effort with my appearance, even though I'm WTF and we have animals, I put make up and sort my hair out everyday. I try to keep the house immaculate (to help with my anxiety), dinner is always on the table when he walks in (he works longer hours than me, and he's an awful cook). I've asked him outright if he still finds me attractive, which he dismisses.
Our relationship is otherwise great. I am 99.9% certain he's not having an affair.
In RL, on the outside, I am happy and bubbly and confident. No one would suspect for a minute how unhappy I am. The only time I genuinely feel really happy is when I'm reading a book or walking my dogs. I understand that the more depressed I feel, the more unattractive/needy I become which is only going to push me further down.
So, my question is, what can I do to make myself feel better? How can I rebuild my self-confidence and my self-esteem? I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be so upset with what I see.