Telling the kids tonight, any advice?

[CardiBardi]

H and I are separating after a couple of years of trying in vain to make it work. We are telling kids (5 and 8) tonight. It's more my decision than his, and he wants that to be made clear to the kids. AIBU to think that is not in their best interests?

I get where he's coming from, he's hurt and worried for the future, but I can't see how making me the bad guy here is going to help the kids.

Any advice warmly welcome.

At this age they don't need to know who instigated or the ins and outs of the relationship, they just need to know we have decided to seperate but it is not your fault and we both love you equally.

Be prepared for either lots of questions and upset or none at all for the first few days while it sinks in.

From experience, the kids just need to know that there's nothing they could have done to stop this happening, and it's not their fault AT ALL.

I agree that you shouldn't be made the bad guy, agree with your H that they will probably find out in time who's decision it was but that the only important thing right now is the kids feelings, not yours or his.

Expect them to be angry, but know that this will fade.

Try to find anything which is going to make it a positive for them (mummy and daddy won't be arguing / they'll get two bedrooms to decorate / etc.)

Good luck

Thank you :)

I agree that there's no need for me to specify whose fault it is etc - but how do I put this to H without him just assuming that I'm doing it for my own benefit and not the kids? (He likes to twist things to make me the bad guy)

Remind him parental alienation is an offence..
And making small dc take sides is sick imo.
Makes him look like a bloody teen also.

how do I put this to H without him just assuming that I'm doing it for my own benefit and not the kids?

Maybe suggest he puts himself in their shoes - it's going to be bad enough for them to hear that you're splitting up, they don't need any further upset...

Yeah I will try and put that to him. He's obviously hurting, but it's not going to help the kids at all to start pointing Fingers and taking sides.

Thanks for all your replies

Gee. I wonder why the marriage didn't work. Couldn't be anything to do with him being a point scoring juvenile could it?

He wants to tell them it's your decision to punish you. That is not in your children's best interests. It will not help them adjust, it will not help them understand, it will not help them cope. It will hurt them.

Please do specifically tell them that it is not their fault, it is not anything they have done, it is a decision between their parents.

Children don't have the perspective adults do, and at the ages yours are will still default to an explanation of "something bad has happened, it must be my fault". I've sadly seen a number of children struggling because this was the only way they had to make sense of their parents' separation. So please do address it.

And reassurance. That you know this might seem scary and you're all still working out how things are going to be, but you're not going to leave them and you're not going to stop loving them. This is just something that sometimes happens between parents but not between parents and children.

Sometimes children do worry that you'll "divorce" them next and make them go off and live alone somewhere because you don't love them anymore.

Basically, just be as clear as you can be and don't assume they'll understand things the way you do.

Good luck. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

@sollyfromsurrey one of the many reasons!

Thanks all for your replies, I appreciate the support. He's so good at emotionally gaslighting me that I'm constantly feeling like I'm in the wrong.