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Original poster

How to politely decline repeated invites for a play date....???!

23 replies

ButterflyOfFreedom · 23/01/2019 06:39

DS (6) keeps getting invited to a classmate's house for the typical 'play date' (after school tea & play type thing) - but he doesn't want to go!
I've asked him why and he says it's because this other boy is 'sometimes naughty' and I know myself this other boy is very boisterous and often gets into trouble for being too silly or rough which results in either things being broken or people being hurt.
I think my DS finds him slightly annoying as this boy gravitates towards him all the time, wanting to play with him etc. but my DS is too shy / polite to tell him to leave him alone!
DS has been round for a play date there once but he got pushed down the stairs (!!) - only a couple of steps and he wasn't hurt but still, you can see why he doesn't want to go back!
And we've had this boy round to ours and it was a nightmare - he wouldn't sit down to eat his meal, was being very silly, broke one of DS' toys and hit me?! So you can see why I'm reluctant to invite him here again or encourage this relationship!!!
But his mum / family seem lovely , the class as a whole is nice etc. And I certainly don't want to upset anyone so how do I politely decline the repeated invites to a play date at theirs? Do I be honest and tell the mum why DS doesn't want to go? Do I keep 'putting her off'/ making excuses?
I just feel I'm awkward position as neither me or DS would want to hurt anyone's feelings or want to 'rock the boat' but neither of us want to be in this other boys presence! (Hope that doesn't sound too harsh!?!).
Thank you.

OP posts:

Seeleyboo · 23/01/2019 07:31

I'm ever so sorry but DS has after school activities that tire him out so we don't like to plan anything extra on weekdays and weekends are really packed with family popping round and shopping etc. Really kind if you but I'll let you know when we have a free slot.

sleeplessinsomewhereelse · 23/01/2019 07:37

'Tbh play dates aren't working for us at the moment. DS gets too worked up. It's just not worth the hassle atm. Roll on teenage years! '

AlsoBling2 · 23/01/2019 07:38

I think you tell her. Seeleys suggestion means you can never accept a play Date anywhere.

I would tell her that you are really sorry but d's doesn't want to do a play Date. Say he's a bit sensitive so although you encourage him to to these things, you don't like to force him (all true from what i can tell of your post). And suggest staying in touch.

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Seeleyboo · 23/01/2019 07:40

Seeleys suggestion means when the time is right and for the right person a play date can be arranged.

BertrandRussell · 23/01/2019 07:42

Suggest you all 4 go to the park?

Yabbers · 23/01/2019 09:30

Did you not speak to the mum about the fact he got pushed down the stairs?

I think I would speak to the mum and let her know what the issue is.

It is possible the boy has some kind of SN and the worst thing for SN parents is seeing their kid's constantly excluded from friendships. A conversation helps.

Maybe he doesn't and maybe that's not the issue, but I think I'd talk to her in case it is. If she is as lovely as you say then she'll be well aware of the issue.

Original poster

ButterflyOfFreedom · 23/01/2019 15:39

Thanks all.

Seeleu I can't use your suggestion as he does go on other play dates (& we have play dates at our house) - it's literally just this one boy unfortunately...

The pushing down the stairs incident was done in front of the boys mum so she was well aware of what happened but like mist of his 'bad' behaviour, she turns a blind eye...

OP posts:

Original poster

ButterflyOfFreedom · 23/01/2019 15:40

And as far as I know he doesn't have any special needs.

OP posts:

Burpsandfustles · 23/01/2019 16:50

Why on earth should she suggest all 4 go to the the park!

Op my dd had friend like this who constantly hurt her and I was quite naive at the time. I didn't say anything, I wondered what the hell was going on however after a few play dates and it was blatantly obvious that her son was deliberately and sneakily harming my dd.

In the end we just politely declined and drew back.

Burpsandfustles · 23/01/2019 16:53

Butterfly if my dc had special needs I might bring it up at that point.. Ie I'm so sorry did you know x has this.

At what point does special needs mean another child's safety is put in doubt?

I say that as someone who had close family member with special needs who used to threaten people with a walking stick .
As a family we would be explaining, apologising, etc...

woolduvet · 23/01/2019 16:55

I'm sorry, ds isn't keen on a play date with x after being pushed down stairs. Hopefully when they're friendship is stronger we can have another go.
Or leave off the last bit...

Justmuddlingalong · 23/01/2019 16:57

Your DS's reasons for not wanting to spend time with him seem perfectly valid. If giving excuses isn't stopping the invites, you need to tell the mum that your DS and hers aren't that close as friends, so he won't be going for tea etc.

Racecardriver · 23/01/2019 16:59

I think you’re just going to have to keep putting it off until she gets the message.

StateofIndependance · 23/01/2019 17:57

I'd say something like, I'm just not sure they really get along that well and sort of blame my DC for the issue rather than theirs. Along the lines of, he's going through a funny phase with friends. Sometimes it doesn't seem to work out.

Original poster

ButterflyOfFreedom · 24/01/2019 06:41

Thank you.

It (he!) is a bit annoying in that he just goes to my DS ALL the time!! Literally at drop off this boy appears by our side and from what I can gather he pretty much hangs around DS all day! In this boys head they are best mates so I can see why he / his mum keep on with the invites.
Neither me not DS know how to politely get away from him?! He is only 6 after all and we don't want to upset him etc.

I just don't want to encourage the friendship but his mum is making it difficult.

OP posts:

TheProvincialLady · 24/01/2019 06:48

Speak to your son’s teacher about the issue of the boy following him around all the time at school. It may be that the other boy is already on their radar and needs support with friendships and giving people space.

With the Mum I would do it by text because I’m a coward and also because it’s less embarrassing for her. I’d say something like “thanks for the offers. My DS doesn’t want to go at the moment but if he changes his mind I will let you know.”

KC225 · 24/01/2019 07:14

Just be honest. Say to the mum, it's really kind of you to ask. 'I have mentioned it to him and he says he doesn't want to - it'll probably change down the line, you know what they are like at this age.' Keep it light, you don't have to avoid her or lie. It's so much less stressful than coming up with weak excuses, or hiding his other play dates. She will know kids that age blow hot and cold. Next year, the boy could become a little angel and your son may want to be his friend.

ChangoMutney · 24/01/2019 07:21

When my ds was little we had a similar situation, I just said I don’t think they’re getting on too well at the moment, the Mum started to say her ds really liked mine but I smiled and said something vague like oh you know what kids are like. DS didn’t get invited again, but the Mum was fine with me, I suspect she was a bit sad about it but DS’s feelings override that of an adult.

Miane · 24/01/2019 07:30

“Thanks for the invitation, it’s very kind of you but actually I don’t think the boys are particularly friendly just now. As neither of the initial play dates went very well it would be best to leave it for a while.”

And then when she asks what was the problem with the play dates you need to be honest with her.

I’m pretty surprised that you didn’t tell her about his unacceptable behaviour after the play date at your house. I would have called the parents immediately the child hit me. If they don’t know they can’t fix it.

Original poster

ButterflyOfFreedom · 24/01/2019 20:58

When the boy hit me his mum was standing right in front of us!! She just said something along the lines of 'don't do that' but didn't seem to think anything of it. If it was my DS I would have bern mortified! Made him apologise and took him straight home. There is a definite difference in parenting styles!!

OP posts:

Miane · 25/01/2019 15:29

When the boy hit me his mum was standing right in front of us!!

Wow.

I’d have no qualms at all about declining play dates.

Mulberry72 · 25/01/2019 16:08

I’d be honest and just explain that you don’t think the boys are that friendly and that your DS would rather not see her DC out of school.

This may seem harsh, but I’ve been the Mum trying to arrange play dates and inviting another child over, only to be constantly turned down with a long list of (what I now know were) excuses. It turned out that her DS did not like my DS (no particular reason, which is fine) and just didn’t want to know.

I actually asked her in the end if there was a problem between the boys that I wasn’t aware of, with a view to addressing whatever was wrong, she was really blunt (and unkind really) told me that her DS thought mine was a weirdo and a stalker and basically just to leave them alone. It wasn’t pleasant and quite upsetting, but had she been more honest at the beginning then I wouldn’t have tried to encourage a friendship that wasn’t there to begin with.

PorkPatrol · 25/01/2019 17:00

I’d just keep saying you’re busy until she takes the hint and stops asking. Maybe the cowards way but I’m not a fan of causing awkwardness with anyone at the school gate - you’re there a long time!

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