Arguments in the family when somebody is dying

[Summer84]

OK so I don't really know where to start with this so I will try and cut to the chase rather than rant it all out...

Grandad was diagnosed with two different cancers about 18 months ago.

My Mother has been there since day 1 with grandad and nana (her mum and dad - whilst it doesn't make a difference grandad is not my mother's biological dad but has been there since birth)

Anyway, every appointment, mum has been there with them both.

Whenever grandad has had an accident, fall, burn, very low sugar levels, where an ambulance has been called, mum has been there.

When my nana has had a call and had to go to the hospital, mum has been there. (You get my drift)

Every birthday and Christmas, mum has also been there.

Yet family living between 10- 80 miles away haven't been on the scene as much.

Cards don't come through the post and never phone calls to check in, have rarely been there, unless of course, they want something.

I live nearly 300 miles away, but I have managed to go visit more than some of the family.

Nana recently had a stroke, mum was there to look after her and keep her on track whilst also looking after grandad and now pretty much living at their house almost full time.

Nana has recovered, grandad is now dying , he hasn't been receiving treatment for his cancers as they would not prolong his life, so they decided it was pointless.

Grandad is now dying, has weeks to live and no longer able to make decisions for himself and can no longer ask for my mums help like he used to.

Something has happened, there has been an argument between nana and mum over something trivial which I won't write here, as I'm not 100% sure I have it completely correct.

But anyway from want understand mum's intentions were from the heart and something has been misconstrued along the way, nana has thrown mum out (so she has gone back to her house)

Called her a B*ard amongst other names and she doesn't want her anywhere near the house

Mum is heart broken and doesn't know what to do. Mum has tried to call her but nana is dropping her calls for almost a week now

Mum also has it in her head that when grandad does die, nana will not tell my mum and mum also believes that she will not even tell me

So... I called nana this evening to try and find out what is going on, and take on board both sides of the story and try and be a mediator so to speak, she won't answer my calls or reply to my message asking her to answer her phone...

I am led to believe that maybe my mum has it right

It might be a point to add that the rest if the family are also now on the scene and whilst some won't get involved, which understand, another is there visibly milking the situation and doing nothing to intervene to help with the situation.

I do understand that grief affects people in different ways, but I really do not know what to do.

I was only there last week myself and was hoping to go again this weekend, but if I am not welcomed, that's 600 miles of a round trip for nothing and lots of tears.

Does anybody have any thoughts as to what I or even my mum should do.

I'm currently going through a family breach of horrible proportions following a sudden death. Death and grief are very destructive.

I would focus on comforting your mum and seeing if you can perhaps even occasionally find something else to talk about with her? Or at least try to remember good times. Ultimately there isn't much to be done about your nana's reaction except hope that time will change things.

Try not to worry about not being told about the death. If you can think of anyone in the family who is fairly neutral, you could perhaps just stay in touch and ask if there's anything you can do to support them.

I have had to accept finally (today as it happens) that the relationship between me and a member of my husband's family is probably broken beyond repair. I have tried to reach out and got nowhere, they still feel exactly the same, and I am just going to have to leave it.

I am so sorry.

I am trying to have conversations about other things, but it is very much playing on her mind,and after being there for them after all this time and then all of a sudden not, is upsetting her and she is unable to sleep because of it

I just wish she was up the road but she is all the way up there much closer than I am, so that is also difficult to be there as much as I would like.

Neutral persons are hard to find as they are going to stand up for their own mother so the side has already been chosen and nobody is staying in contact. It's as if we have been cast aside. (Don't take that the wrong way, I know it's not a game and not about taking sides, but I hope you know what I mean).

I guess it is just a case of waiting and see of nana realises that we are part of the family and that we are there. I just cannot get my head around why she would be like this during this difficult time

@PatPhoenix i sincerely hope that things improve for you also, and I am so sorry that you are having to going through difficult times too x

Sounds like a very tricky situation for you.
Although you said your nan had recovered from the stroke physically could it have affected her memory or personality in some way affecting the way she has handled the falling out?

I would try and visit and avoid talking about your mum but sus out the situation with the other relatives Incase they are taking advantage in some way or influencing her

Ah, your poor mum. I think you should visit her. She needs emotional support right now. I don’t think that there’s anything else that either of you can do.

Hi @Fretfulparent.

She has fully recovered. Whilst it was only a mini stroke on this occasion (still serious enough though). She is fully able and talking properly again, I do think she is back to normal in herself again.
From what I saw when I last visited the other weekend.

This is what I tried to do when I phoned this evening but my calls and texts are going unanswered with no response, so i think they already knkw what I am try to acheiev from the call

300 miles is a long way and then the travel back, but worth it, if i can try and sort things out or even find out what's going on and rationalise with nana.

But if I am also not welcome... what do I do then?

I will speak to my boss tomorrow and find out what the annual leave situation is, and see if I can maybe take time off, but if I get turned away, the drive back is going to be hard!

Thank you @HeddaGarbled I definately think that this is something I need to do. X

I wonder if other family members are involved and turning DGP against DM. I would also worry about how much DGM actually understands. DM has always been the one to be there and now DGM has taken to hanging up on DM. There seems to be something in the air. Perhaps other family members are cashing in at a bad time. I have seen that happen. If cash or house titles are being interfered with, you could assert your views using health records of both DGP.
It is horrible but right now your DM really could use your support so if you plan to travel, visit DMand perhaps have a bit of try with DGPs.

This had already crossed my mind @Stillme1 previously when people started showing their faces.

I've also seen the Facebook posts of a family member telling the world that she is looking after her Dad (the doting DD that she hasn't been previously)
Grandad would be sickened if he could understand what was happening, as he wrote her off and wanted nothing to do with her following her lame excuses for not being there before and failing to send birthday wishes to nana.

I think you are right, she especially is trying to cash in, but whatever is in that will, cannot be changed, as he is no longer sound of mind, he doesn't know what is going on around him, let alone change a will. And if anybody there think changes are going to be made now, they are living on another planet for sure.

I will speak to mum every day and try and talk about other things, although this is front of her mind and I can understand.

And I will also go up as soon as I can.

@Summer84 I think you could be my twin, it all sounds so familiar.
Do you know DGD's solicitor? Could you warn him/her of your suspicions (mine too)
Can you contact DGD's Dr or hospital consultant? Speak to them and alert them (both and all)
Do you or DM know DGP bank? Maybe a word with them too to check if money is being moved around
DM should contact Public Guardian and say her POA is being compromised.
Do you think DGM is a bit confused or stressed into confusion? Mention this to Dr and any hospital consultants for her
Do all these things quickly by phone but back up with letters and or emails. Letters should be sent Recorded. Emails should be saved into a file and perhaps printed off and put in papers file
This is t keep a paper trail

I actually got to speak to my Nan this morning - but she is adamant that her and my mum are finished.

Now whilst again, she will not tell me the full story, all she would say was "the way that she spoke to me I will never forgive her" and she never said a cross word to my mother (apparently).

Now when I spoke to Mum, she said it was a bitter row between the pair of them and Mum never tries to talk herself out of being in the wrong at all, and is forward in when she says words were exchanged both ways.

I tried to be the mediator and told nan to have a think about it, and even if she does not want to forgive her, then at least let her come over as she has been there for the last 18 months - which nan has admitted that she knows she has, but still not accepting to reason.

I don't know anymore, it all hurts and when I have messaged other members of the family, they tell me how much they are hurting at all of this,(but it feels like I have no right to - especially since nan called mum a b**ard which means I am nothing to him really) and now it is sounding like days rather than weeks - time really is running out.

My own head is a mess so I can understand almost how mum is feeling.

@Summer84 Maybe if you go over to see DM this weekend you could also get to visit DGP especially to try to see DGF if his time is running out. The blood relationship is a lot less important than you and him have been grandad/grand daughter all your life (X years).
Reading between the lines it is possible that DM and DGM are both stressed to bursting point with the thought of losing husband/dad and heated words were said. You know DGM and DM which would you guess would likely bend first. Action needs to happen fast with DGD's time being so limited.
I hope you do get to see them all asap. Try to be the peacemaker and then you will always have it that you tried to get everyone on good terms. It is hard to lose a long time loved one. You will all need each other
Thinking of you all

Thank you @Stillme1

Hello again MumsNetters.

Reigniting this one, as its still all going on and again - could use some advice from my fellow friends here.

I received a call before I got the chance to go back to see the family, so my next and last visit was in fact for my Grandads funeral.
Fortunately, I did get the call, as my Mother and I didn't think I would however Mum only found out because she received a call from my cousin. (cousin called Mum without anyone knowing and thought she would get into trouble - but said she had a right to know)

Cutting the story short, Spoke to Nan in person - and she doesn't want anything to do with my Mother, Mother is allowed to the funeral, on the proviso she doesn't cause a scene. (which is isn't and doesn't)

**a woman who is married in to the family and hasn’t been on the scene for very long (a couple of years max) did a reading at the funeral and called him Dad, personally, I think this was wrong and all that could go through my mind, was how dare she, but it hurt that she could do this, because she is the one that thinks she is so much more entitled than the rest of the family, she also seems to think she is well above in the rankings than my Mother (perhaps that is my bias opinion though – I don’t know).

Same woman at my nanas house for the wake, my Mother made a joke in reference to Grandad wearing socks and pants (this kind of thing would usually be OK – but I think because of the hostility still going on, it wasn’t taken so well, nana made a comment (not a bad one) but “woman” stormed off out of the room and under her breathe, “well I think that is disgusting”… (to me, she was trying to make a scene and the rest of the family could see this, but say nothing.

Nan and Mum have eventually started talking sort of, its not great and not many words are spoken, Mum is trying, Nan is being stubborn, nobody really tries with Mum, but as soon as things get back to normal (if they do) the rest of the family will be all over her like a rash. – Oh and the family aren’t over as much as what they were around the time of Grandads death.

But the other thing that is bugging me (it shouldn’t but it does, as I know that this is when the real war starts) but the will still has not been read, it has been 5 months and we have heard nothing. I do not know if I have any inheritance and to be perfectly honest, I don’t want anything but I think I know what is coming and this will be when the rest of the family will turn their back on Mum and Nan… what do I do?

Sorry – another long one, but I am trying to gear myself up for when I need to be there to help pick up the pieces again.

TYIA

Once the will has gone to probate, you can search for it on line because it is a public document - have a look here.
www.gov.uk/search-will-probate
But you won't be able to see it before probate has been granted.
Hope you manage to keep your mum and Nan talking - grief does funny things to people. So many families fall out during this time due to the stress people are under.

Many thanks for this - but I know that the will has not gone to probate simply because nobody has heard anything - I believe this will be for one of two reasons:

• Nan still does not want to acknowledge / let go and has not informed their solicitor

• Nan is having regrets over the decisions that were made when Grandad amended his will to favour my Mum and doesn't want to / can't cope with the backlash that will happen afterwards

Does that mean we have to just sit and wait.

As the other things that worries me, is if she hasn't notified the solicitor, will she still be receiving his pension - I obviously do not want her to get in to trouble, but I don't know how you can just bring this in conversation, when we don't talk that often....

Normally the surviving spouse inherits so perhaps that is what has happened.

Incidentally, she may appear to have recovered from the stroke, but strokes can often cause a personality turn-about. It did with my uncle. Physically he recovered reasonably well, but his personality changed completely.

If you know which solicitor he used I'd contact them with your GF's information including the date of his death, saying you believe he made a will, are concerned that probate hasn't been applied for & that those you believe may be beneficiaries have had nothing communicated to them.
I'm sorry for your loss.

Just in a practical note, she may have informed the pension people without informing the solicitor.

I wonder if the stroke has affected your nan's personality / emotional regulation / coping abilities, subtly but enough to cause this falling out?

I'm so sorry you lost your granddad. Would it be possible for your mum to move nearer to you, do you think?

Thank you all for your replies, I will try and see I can get details for the solicitor and perhaps drop them a call,

Obviously I don't want to do anything as far as pensions go, as that could cause more trouble than necessary, I will try and get something in a conversation when I go up in a couple of weeks

It is very possible she could be suffering effects post stroke - So I will contact her GP and see if we can have a home visit arranged, as I know she hasn't been since being discharged from hospital and I know that she still requires the stent doing, which is when this happened.

I would love nothing more than my Mum to move down here - but she wont, every time she has moved in the past, she has always gone back.

It's funny as a couple of years ago, I spoke to Nan and mentioned how I was thinking of selling shares and buying a second place for Mum to live in by me, and nan seemed really uncomfortable about that - maybe if I used that as leverage - I guess it might come across on here as spiteful, but it might kick in some real realisation... I guess that's something for me to think about,

There are a lot of pages on this site regarding wills/probate/disputes etc. www.tmsolicitors.co.uk/can-i-dispute-a-will-after-probate-has-been-granted/

Thank you @EileenAlanna however I am wanting to dispute the will, I am a little concerned that the solicitor has not even been notified of the will as, from what I can tell probate has not been granted as it has not even got that far.