supporting friends whose parents are dying

[frazzled19]

sorry for the title of thread but wasn't sure what to put.

I have name changed for this but I am a very long time poster.

I cant really vent some of this in "real" life and feel like I need somewhere to let it out.

I have 2 good pals in really horrific situations - one "Lucy" whose mother has brain cancer and the other "Maria" whose dad has lung cancer. For both of these parents, treatments have now stopped and they are moved to palliative care. No-one knows how long it will be for.

I am trying to be a good friend and helping them both out as much as I can.

Lucy has no siblings and her mum needs 24 hours a day supervision as her risk of seizures is so high. Her daughter Cara witnessed one of the seizures and it was pretty traumatic for her. Lucy doesn't want her daughter to go through that again. Lucy has pretty much moved in with her mum. Lucy's husband was an abusive arse and he is no longer involved with them at all so Lucy has no support in this area so we are looking after her daughter at least 4 nights a week for her. Her daughter Cara is grand and our kids get on well with her. Cara is sharing my eldest's room and we have set up her own storage boxes, drawers for clothes and have her favourite duvet / pillow etc so she can feel at home and not so much as a visitor / guesr

Maria has 2 girls and she is in a pretty similar situation to Lucy with no siblings and an absent partner. Her father lives on his own quite a distance away so maria has been staying overnight. I am trying to co-ordinate her 2 daughters staying on the nights that Cara isn't. Her eldest (aged 14) HATES staying here as she doesn't have her own room and has been going into the bathroom for hours so she can get peace and quiet. I don't blame her!

These women are going through some of the most terrible and horrific things ever and I need to be the best kind of friend for them right now. However after 5 weeks, I am starting to really struggle and feel like shit for feeling this.

I know it is selfish but I want some nights and weekends with just my own family. I want to just make 1 meal for all and not have to juggle all these dietary demands (the other 3 kids are a lot fussier eaters than my own kids so wont eat what we normally have). I want come home and be myself. My kids are playing up more as our routine has changed ( I have to take the other kids to clubs and activities that my own kids don't do so some nights are I am juggling 4 kids at 4 different clubs / groups). I want to have all kids in bed by a decent hour so I can get a break but some of them don't go to sleep until midnight. I want to plan a weekend away with my own kids at half term but already Lucy and Maria have aske if their kids can go as they wont have any other childcare over the school holidays.

It is selfish as I know I am thinking about my wants as opposed to Lucy and Maria's needs.

I really cant say to either Lucy or Maria that I am finding it tough as I am their main support and they are not taking the piss or being cheeky f**kers. This is just the situation for now and I know neither of them wants it to be like this either.

You sound a lovely friend, but I think you need to take a step back and look after yourself for a bit. And I say that as someone who has lost both my mum and my mother in law in the last four months!

wintersnowdrop - I am really sorry for your and your husbands loss. that must be so tough to have lost both of them so close in time together. I hope you are getting through it.

I really don't know how I can take a step back as these women have no other options. I know they would not be asking for all of this if they did not really need it.

I am just having an ole vent / moan really and I know that my situation is nothing in comparison to what they are going through.

They don't have ANY other friends?? The 14 year old especially has no friends she can ask to stay with sometimes?? I doubt it, I think they've just taken the first easiest option (you).

I can see why you are their default as you are being so kind and helpful but they must realise the strain it's putting on you too.
Re half term I think you do have to say "sorry no, after weeks of juggling we need to have some time just for us as our family needs my undivided attention just for a few days to keep everyone sane."

I lost my Mum after a long illness and caring for her at home. I gave up part of my work to do this but was home for DC as much as possible. It is doable. The only childcare I used a friend for was her funeral service.

hi halfahunner

Lucy and Maria do have some other friends but they are not in a position to take the kids overnight or for weekends. They are helping out in other ways.

The 14 yr old doesn't really have friends of her own and is quite an isolated child at the best of times. She doesnt do sleepovers to friends houses for example - never has since she was wee.

Lucy has given up her work already and is financially gubbed as result. She doesn't have any money for paying for things like babysitters/ childcare.

If the mum needs 24 hr supervision due to seizure risk, why isnt that being partially provided by professionals? Lucy needs to insist.

Lucy's mum is not at the stage for pain relief and they have been told that someone being there wont be available until she reaches that stage. Lucy has spoken about respite etc but nothing seems to have been resolved. There is talk of installing some sort of cctv so Lucy can watch her mum remotely?
It is further complicated by her mum not being able to engage with the fact that there is nothing more they can do to treat the cancer. she wont meet with Marie Curie and McMillan nurses.

I think both your friends need to get adult social services involved and say that they cannot cope and need residential care for the parents. Or if that feels too much then at least carers to come in. They have to be firm because Ss will try and push back.

I agree that they need more external support and that may well come as their parents become more ill and are moving towards the real end of life care. I think it is a strange limbo for Lucy and Maria as they know nothing more can be done but their parents aren't deemed ill enough to get more direct care.

I am trying to batten the hatches, put on a smile and just get through the next weeks. I really don't want any of the kids to feel like they are not welcome or a burden. They too are going through a really traumatic time with a grandparent dying and not being with their mum. Its not easy for anyone.

Could the invalids move in with their daughters instead of vice versa? Things are going to get worse until they get better and qualify for external help. It would be less disruptive for the children and give you a much-needed break.

hi thymeout. I dont know if that has been discussed between the families as an option but imagine so. We all live in small 3 bedroom flats so space is tight but I guess this will all have been considered

I know Lucy is really worried that her daughter will see her granny having another seizure as it was really awful the last time. The granny is having minor seizures quite regularly but hasn't had a bigger one for 2 weeks now.

I know everyone is being kind with suggestions as to what Lucy and Maria can / should do and I can feed ideas back to them.

I cant change the current situation but I am going to really think about what I can do to keep my energy up and sanity intact. It is terrible but in a way I wish I knew how much longer this will be so I can have a rough end time in sight.