How do you help your child if they’re too nervous/ shy to do things?

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My DS is six and he’s always felt nervous doing activities. He’s confident around his friends and at school but anything like gymnastics, swimming, football etc - it’s hard to get him to try without major meltdowns.

The times we’ve pushed through he’s gradually been ok. He’s been swimming for 2 years, football is a more recent thing. We tried tae kwondo (he asked to) and he was so upset that he couldn’t even bring himself to watch the class (the teachers were lovely and tried to encourage him to just watch with no pressure to join in).

So now we accept joining new things right now might be too much and I’m not too bothered about him doing lots of things anyway...but now the swimming and football are an issue. Things he was happy to do and would join confidently in - last two weeks at swimming have been a nightmare. Crying and too nervous to join in. He says it’s because there was the break over Christmas and I keep trying to encourage him to understand that the only way for it to feel better is to join in the class again.

I really feel like we can’t let this nervousness win. With new things, we try them but I back right off - there’s no pressure and he doesn’t have to. But swimming and football - I KNOW he loves them and he’s been doing them for ages. I feel like we can’t allow the nerves to get the better of him because then he misses out. I feel like it’s important in this instance to push through the nerves and show those feelings they’re not welcome!

But how - how do I support him in the moment when he’s crying and won’t listen or trust what I say? I’m ashamed to say I get so frustrated I think I just make it worse. If you have a child like this, how do you handle it?

I should add I was like this as a child - so I completely empathise with what he’s feeling. Perhaps that’s why I get so frustrated. God, I still get nervous before doing things I enjoy so I totally get it. But I just want to help him. I don’t know what the line is between supporting and saying he doesn’t have to, and supporting to help him he brave to try new things.

My dd2 is like this. I do tell her that she doesn't have to do things, but I offer a reward if she gives it a go. I also negotiate things like me sitting in a particular place she can see during the activity.

Have you been able to work out what exactly is worrying him? Is it the noise of the swimming pool? Does he worry that the other boys on the football team will crowd him? The more understanding you can get of what is making him upset, the easier it will be to find strategies to help him.

How is he in the classroom? Has the teacher raised any concerns?

Mine is similar, he always has been. Swimming was actually brilliant for him because there was noone else from school there and he had to talk to new people. Has yours son's swim teacher changed with the new term? Would he go if a friend was with him, can you engineer that? Some people are just shy and hesitant to try new things, which you know, but 6-8 is a tricky time for boys and a bit of reassurance may help. We backed off doing things for a while (except beavers /cubs, he seems to like that) and I think we're through the other side now at 8.5. They're only human and it's hard when we know they'll love something, but just can't let themselves do it,but it does get better.

I think it’s the anticipation of doing it that gets to him. In the classes he appears confident, chatting to the other children, playful and having fun. But it’s the period before and actually getting him to do it.

When he was younger we recognised it was this and I we used to focus on the feelings of joy he felt doing things - we determined he did actually enjoy so we’d say “remember when you’re feeling nervous that once you’re in the class, you do have fun”.

At school his teacher has recognised he appears confident but has dips in feeing comfortable. He will suddenly look overwhelmed and tearful, despite generally appearing confident and having fun. For example he was the lead in the play but in the classroom she has said she can see sometimes he looks close to tears. He has lots of friends and is very bright. But what his teacher describes I get too - sometimes I just get this attack of confidence and feel really out of place and it sort of paralyses me. If that’s what he feels too, then I just want to help him learn to cope with that.

Oh OP I was like that and so is my DC. We had a terrible swimming lesson last week but we are going back today. As you say, I don't push him to do things but I do think we should stick to the swimming, to have something that he follows through.
I was and I am like this. Is he an anxious child? I wish I had the answer but I think that you are doing the right thing by keep the swimming and football going. The anxiety before the class, even though you enjoy it after a while... oh I remember it well and I see it in my DC too.
When he is a bit older I want to try some meditation or something for him.

I guess you need to think through how you have learned to cope, and teach him that. Tell him you used to feel the same.