I'm not a parent, but my best mate is (to 2 daughters, 19 and 21) and she's asked me to ask Mumsnet for advice, so here I go. I've told her what I think about it.
A bit of background - my friend got divorced a few years ago after a 15+ year marriage (I can't remember the exact dates, but they were married before they had their first daughter). She and the ex have a mostly amicable relationship, and the girls have bedrooms in both their houses (this is beginning to sound like Romeo and Juliet!). They (both parents) are OK for money, though not rolling in it.
The younger daughter is fine. She works, is in a relationship, and is generally lovely. The elder, not so much, although I think she is a kind person at heart and will, given time, be an OK adult. It's just now and the next few years...
The crux of the matter is that the elder daughter seems to be taking a lot of 'dexies' (dextroamphetamine, ie speed). This has only recently come to light, after a couple of years in which she's been associating with people who have a negative effect on her life, spending more than she earns (when she earns - she's in and out of jobs, stops going when she gets bored or fed up), getting a regular allowance of several hundred pounds a month from her father (hence doesn't really need to work), and suffering from mental health issues (depression, anxiety), she's under the care of the local mental health team, although they don't - as far as we know - know about her drug misuse and those issues tend to present themselves when she gets herself into some kind of trouble which she needs her parents to sort out for her. I'm not judging here, am trying very hard not to (it's not easy!), just telling you the facts. She lives rent and grocery cost free at both homes, unless she's had a strop and moved in with a boyfriend.
When challenged on her behaviour, said daughter becomes distressed - she screams and shouts at her parents, has threatened them with a knife (police called), and her default position is that she can't help it because of her mental illness. Threatens suicide, or self harm. Consequently, my friend (not sure about the ex) is now a bit scared to object when she behaves badly. The daughter also regularly sends abusive texts to her mother accusing her of 'doing nothing, drinking all the time, and sleeping with her (the daughter's) friends, and living off the ex's money (ie, maintenance)'. None of these are true.
Given the above - what would your advice to my friend (and her ex) be? I've told her I reckon I know what the consensus will be, but I could be wrong. My friend is terrified that her daughter will try to kill herself if she rejects her because of the way she behaves. That's what the daughter threatens, anyway. It's all pretty hellish, but I love my friend, and I've known both her kids since they were tiny, and care a lot about them too. I'm not sure how to help - but have told her what I think and promised I'd ask on here.
Any thoughts?