Really struggling with getting rid of my mothers hoarding in my house

[Clarissaintheway]

She has various mental health problems. We aren't close, but around a year ago she decided she was going to move to be near me. She stayed for around 9 months before coming round one day and just saying she was leaving the next day to go back home. This isn't unusual behaviour, she has bipolar so regularly makes big decisions on the spur of the moment.

By this point she had already stored two big bits of furniture in my house. They arrived when I was at work and she put them in the kids playroom and moved all their stuff to a corner of the dining room. She absolutely HAD to have this furniture but needed a bigger house to put it in so could she store it at mine.

The day she left I was at work, she sent me a message saying she couldn't take everything on the train with her so she had left clothes at mine which she would arrange to be couriered to hers. This was over 8 months ago. I've given her countless opportunities to come and get them and she hasn't. So today I've started clearing them out.

I had NO IDEA how much stuff she had left here. The wardrobe she left is packed to the rafters with clothes. Literally stuffed full. She has always hoarded clothes but this is something else. Most of them still have labels on them and run the gauntlet of cheap and horrible to stupidly expensive. There is about 50 bras. 20 scarves. A bin bag half full of swimsuits with labels on. About 50 skirts, countless trousers and tops.

This is just in the first wardrobe. I know shes got about 10 binbags in the loft which are full. DD just sheepishly told me nanny put a bag in her room too. Its a wheeled shopper full of shoes hidden behind a door.

I'm literally paralysed with indecision. Should I go through and pull expensive stuff and put it on ebay? Should I just charity shop it without even looking? We have a big clothes bin thing up the road should I put it there?

I hate clutter and I want all this crap out of my house. Any advice would be great. Thank you

I’d get rid of them- Facebook/ eBay/ gumtree. Reclaim your house! I wouldn’t even mention it unless she brings it up and then i’d just casually say you thought she didn’t want it so you sold it. Put the money in an account for her if necessary.

How old are your children? If they are mid-late teens upwards I'd get them to sell what they can on eBay and keep the money. They'll do it faster because they'll want the money.

I'd get the BHF to come and take away the cupboard.

Get rid of everything - you'll feel great when it's gone.

YARD SALE!

I share your problem, my dm the same, and I have just spent a week of the Xmas hols filling black bags and got someone from Shelter to pick up the lot! There is still a lot to do, but I’ll get there, and so will you.

Do the same , don’t overload the bags as they will rip if too full, call your local charity ,and get rid, it will feel like a weight off your shoulder, take it from me. If you have the time to go though it and eBay it then do it, but either way don’t feel guilty, it’s your home, not her’s

Charity shop for the lot.

It’s the easiest way for you. Your stress levels will benefit from getting the job done quickly (selling takes ages and is a ton of hassle)
it’s a wonderful donation to charity
It’s going to make loads of people happy

And thinking about all the joy that you’re spreading will benefit both your mental state and maybe help you feel more patience/kindness with your mum too.

I would get these people or someone like them in: www.mattgarcia.com/auctionpeople/personal.html

First job is to tell her in writing that if she doesn't remove her stuff from your house within the next 14 days you'll dispose of it all. Once you've done that you're good to go.

Freecycle is brilliant for getting rid of things you can't sell. It's very easy to use.

If there are valuable things in the hoard then yes, ebay them.

But don't feel that you have to sell them because they're worth something. If it's dragging you down then just donate them all to charity and be glad that someone else will benefit from them.

Agree with TougheningUp, you'll feel better if you give her the chance to come and reclaim her stuff first. Give a definite time frame.

After that, dispose as you see fit.

Agree with giving kids the chance to eBay, or contacting someone who will do that for you, may as well get what you can as storage fees.

Otherwise many charities will pick up, google in your area. Good luck!

There are places that will buy bags of clothes and pay by the kg.

Just another option you could consider.

Op has already said she has given her mother many chances to collect or organise a courier.

I'd give the lot to charity. Otherwise it's hassle to have to post stuff, have people come to your house to collect the odd skirt here and shoes there. Ring your local charity to see if they will collect. If not, organise a courier to bring the lot to the charity shop. Chances are she won't even know what she's left at your house anyway.

I'd check on the legal board for the best way to protect yourself. It doesn't sound like your mother is organised to sue you, but she may well hold it over your head for the rest of your life so if you are clear that you are doing it the legal way then it may help.

Hoarders don't think like rational human beings. Your mother is going to be beyond devastated when you get rid of her rubbish. Hoarders invest emotional value into their hoard and by reducing that you are in some ways reducing her. You are definitely eating into her comfort zone. I would brace for her to have a breakdown over this.

I still think you should get rid of the stuff.

@Meckity1, she's already tried that. 'But i love my clothes', 'but i'll never find another wardrobe like that', 'ill organise a courier on x date' (she never does)

I know it makes me sound cold but i'm immune to her pleas tbh. She's never done a thing that she says she will. I won't allow her stuff to keep weighing me down anymore. I spent two months inching around the top of the wardrobe as it was too tall to go on top of it when they put it together. She lent it against the wall outside the bathroom blocking the bloody landing. We were climbing over it everyday until DD nearly brought it down on her head and I chucked it outside in the garden.

She went mad asking me to cover it with a tarp, put it in the loft, put it in the shed, put it in my BEDROOM until she could get it. She can block up her life all she wants, she's not doing it to mine.

You really don't sound cold. Maybe if you came on and admitted to burning her entire hoard in a glorious bonfire....while laughing, maybe then I'd think 'wow, cold'.

Actually, I had a bonfire of some of my old stuff recently. It was really liberating! Maybe the threat of a 'burning' would push her into action??

Xx

You don't sound cold, just exhausted!
You don't have to go through any of it if you don't want to, just charity shop or see if there's someone who will come and pick it up.
Take your house back.

You could bonfire the whole lot whole laughing maniacally and I still wouldn't think you were cold. You've put up with enough. No more chances to reclaim, boot the stuff, and don't indulge any reaction she has.