Making the decision to have just one child

[voxnihili]

I know there have been a lot of threads about having just one child but I'm thinking g specifically about my situation.

DD is 5 months old. DP would love a second child, I'm not so sure. I had a miscarriage before having DD after trying for a few years. DP and I aren't getting any younger so really if we were to have another child we would need to start trying shortly after DD turns 1.

I don't know if I'm being selfish. I've struggled with motherhood. I miss my career. A second baby would probably mean giving up on it entirely due to childcare costs. I've found maternity leave hard but have managed by getting out to groups and lots of walking. This would be harder with a toddler and a baby as the baby groups don't allow toddlers. I'd have no childcare for a toddler.

I really, really don't want to give up my career but I feel I'm being unfair to DP by not having a second child. Us both going part time to cover childcare without me having to give up my career isn't an option. He is the higher earner so him giving up work entirely is also not really an option.

I just feel so torn. Part of me wants another baby but I know we wouldn't be able to do half of what I do with DD. I also worry about the impact on my mental health if I was stuck indoors. I spent 3 years at uni and have done 5 years postgrad study and have very strong feelings about losing everything I've worked so hard for.

I'd be grateful for any perspectives. I don't want to have any regrets.

Forgot to say - thanks for any replies

It sounds like the thing you are concerned about is being the primary carer, rather than going through pregnancy again. There's nothing selfish about not wanting to give up your career! Its totally reasonable and normal. It's not like every woman (or man) enjoys looking after small children. You shouldn't be ashamed of enjoying your work.

One thing that jumps out at me is that the assumption here is that you have to give up your career, but he would never consider that, even though it's him who wants the second child.

No matter how much he earns versus you, there is always the option of him being the person to stay home. He could do that -- you would have to adjust the family's lifestyle if you had a smaller collective income, but it's not something that is completely outside the realm of possibility. As a family you can live on less income, as an individual he could choose a second child over his career: these are possible things. Him getting pregnant: an impossible thing.

Basically, if he wants a second child that badly, then he should be willing to step up and be the primary care giver.

Also to add: having only one child is fine. And you've also both only just become parents of one baby you're in a process of enormous change already you might want to just shelve the conversation for a year, and see how he feels about it then.

Would hubby be happy to go part time or SAHD? If so how would you feel about that? Maybe a compromise for you ?

What does getting on a bit mean exactly? I think in your situation, I’d wait until dd is 3.5 and then stop using contraception.
That way, if it happens, you will only ever have one in childcare because the other will have started school.
If you conceive baby2, then it was meant to be. If not, well, you haven’t put yourself under a lot of pressure, you’ve given DH his chance, and you can keep your career.

While your DP would love a second child, I expect he would also love you to be happy, and it doesn't sound like you think having a second child would make you very happy.

That being said, I wouldn't make decisions about having another child when your existing child is only 5 months old. Things might seem a whole lot more possible when you aren't a new parent to a tiny baby.

Your career means a lot to you. You do NOT have to give it up. If your Dh is the one who wants a baby so badly then he should be prepared to work less to accommodate that.

Don’t have a baby unless you really really want to. It’s a huge commitment.

I really, really don't want to give up my career but I feel I'm being unfair to DP by not having a second child. Us both going part time to cover childcare without me having to give up my career isn't an option. He is the higher earner so him giving up work entirely is also not really an option.

Stick with one, keep your career. Keep hitting on the glass ceiling and maybe your DD won’t find herself in the same position in future.

It’s reason enough if your career is important enough for you. Remember our life isn’t just about having babies and cook meals and clean houses. We need to feel fulfilled and if your career improves your self worth, then that’s what you need to do.

If he earns more than you, when you mean you can’t afford childcare, do you mean from your wages or from both your wages? Also once you get to 3yo you get a reduction in childcare fees. I don’t know how old you are, and if spacing it out so you finish your second maternity leave when DC1 goes to school is an option. I had mine at 36 and 39. (DC2 born a month before I turned 40). There is also shared maternity and paternity and I know many who has chosen that. But if you really can’t afford to pay for the childcare of two in nursery from both wages, then your DH will have to accept to have one child.

I think you need to talk to him about it, a lot. I am in a situation where I would love another child and my DP is less sure, and what hurts is the lack of discussion. What would be awful would be if you thought you'd made a decision, and he was waiting around thinking you were both still 'making up our minds'. A way round that would be to talk a lot about different options, including (as others say) things like him talking on a partial SAHD role, even if that's a possibility you discuss but don't take up for financial reasons.

Apologies if this is all really obvious.

But, the main thing is, no, you're not being selfish if you don't feel you can have another child. Never that.

Thank you for the responses.

I've actually never asked if he would give up his career to have a second child but it's a good point, although probably something to have a proper discussion about rather than throw it up in a argument.

Getting on a bit means that if we waited until DD qualified for some free hours at nursery, we'd be almost 40 and 50. I don't think I could do the whole 'no contraception, just see what happens' thing - after our fertility struggle having DD I just can't imagine being relaxed about it.

When I say something can't afford childcare, I do mean we. With a second child, our bill would soar to £3K per month. It's just not doable.

I know that having another child would have a massive impact on my career. But I'm very nervous that in 10 years time I might have got to the top but really regret not having another child.

It's really hard, isn't it?

I would really say do have that discussion, though. It might be there are less dramatic options than giving up his career? It must depend on what he does and what his priorities are, but worth thinking over? Or would you consider moving somewhere cheaper or something like that?

I'm not saying this to make you feel you have to go through all the options to have a child, but just because it might give your more peace of mind if you know you have both had a lot of conversations about it and have really worked out where each of your boundaries are.

Don’t do it. Although of course I love my son now he’s here, I can’t deny my life wouldn’t be so much easier with only the one.

Don't do it. You clearly don't really want a second.

I struggled with the first year and only really started enjoying motherhood when she was about 3. It was a slog until then. Now she's 5, where a great little unit - the three of us. My career is back on track and we can do way more stuff with just one child. She gets to do more things, we each get to be individuals and we get time as a couple. Things are easier and cheaper. Having an only child isn't a thing to be borne. It's a joy.

We chose to stick to one child, although the plan was always 2. I had complications during my pregnancy, and I just couldn't face going into another pregnancy knowing what might happen. And for me, another 6 weeks in NICU/HIgh Dependency just wasn't something I could see myself going through again, especially with a toddler at home.

My husband wanted a second child, but he came round in the end, no guilt-tripping, I never put pressure on him, we both needed time to come to this conclusion, he just needed more time than me. Our son is now almost 4, he will start school in April and my family feels complete. Not having a second child has allowed me to go back to uni and retrain, I am now halfway a 4-year course. We're coping well with one child, we're getting decent nights' sleep again, we're getting some independence back.

I am an only child too, my husband isn't, so he is unfamiliar with growing up without a sibling. But. we're doing just fine. My son has lots of friends and is very sociable, which is great.