Beyond worthless

[VeryFatVerySad]

I’ve name changed as I’m ashamed of my feelings. I’m not suicidal and wouldn’t act on but I am incredibly depressed. I’m having weekly private psychotherapy and I’m on anti depressants. Yet, I wake every day and feel worthless and I can’t see the point of me. I hate myself.

I am single and childless, neither of these are by choice, but my circumstance due to complex physical health problems. I have (had?) a great job which I love but I am struggling due to my health deteriorating and I’ve had lots of sickness. They are supporting me lots but at the end of day, I need to well enough to actually attend work. I’m in financial difficulty due to being part time and periods of limited sick pay. I mean, I can pay bills and food etc but I’ve not a penny for any sort of enjoyment or fun. I know it’s not that unusual and life is tight for lots of people. It’s not just the money really, it’s everything.

I’ve gained 4 stone. I was never skinny but I’ve never been this huge. I’ve been binging on huge amounts of food and I am ashamed. I eat like a normal person and then suddenly, I get hit by sadness and I stuff it down by eating what I did today after a filling, health breakfast; 4 bagels with loads of butter, a giant bag of crisps, a potato salad big enough for 4 people. That’s disgusting. My therapist is trained in eating disorders but I’m stuck and not making progress because I feel worthless.

I hate my body, it doesn’t work properly and I punish it further by overeating. I can’t cope with these overwhelming feelings. I’m sobbing while typing this. I don’t know how to move on from this. My health isn’t going to magically get better and every time I begin to accept things, it changes and I need another procedure or end up in hospital and I spiral downwards. I have lots of support; my family, a couple of friends, my therapist, my GP surgery, my specialist nurse but yet, yet........here I am.

I am so sorry to hear this, it sounds as though you are overwhelmed and worn out.

Sounds like you have been dealt a bad card with your health. A friend of mine uses mindfulness to combat some of the mental load that comes with a physical disability. I have never tried but I think any positive power would benefit you.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I’ve been through the same thing. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease 20 years ago. The first 10 years with it were hell. I was trying to live the life society expected of me and I just felt like a big fat failure. I felt like I was constantly letting people down and I just couldn’t imagine things ever getting better.

My health is still poor but my mindset has changed. I do what I can,when I can and fuck the rest. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s almost like a grieving process, grieving for a life that could have been and accepting the crap hand you’ve been dealt. There’s no magic wand, it just came with time for me.

Try to keep hold of some hope. Try and find enjoyment in the very simplest of things.

How old are you?

I would also say try and enjoy the small things in life...reading, good tv, films, sunshine, growing flowers/veg, poetry, music, art, crafts etc.etc. Could you care for a small pet?

Also engage in as many ways as you can with your supportive friends and family...many of us do not have that. They are a blessing, they are to be valued and can help if you ask them I'm sure.

I appreciate you are grieving for a life you hoped for and it sounds really tough. I'm sorry you are struggling like this. But you are not worthless, you have worth to the people who care about you, you have your own self worth. Try and find a passion, an activity, a hobby that you can immerse yourself in...try and use activities as a distraction, fill in your calendar even with small things, keep busy if you can.