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Original poster

Buying my abusive exH a birthday present - just having a rant

23 replies

Redandyellowbits · 17/01/2019 09:27

I have 3 DC, with my physically, emotionally abusive ex h. DC are all primary school aged. They live with me, he lives 2h away and sees them one weekend a month, and half school holidays, no more. In between, he speaks to them on the phone maybe once every 2 weeks - all his choice.

It's his birthday tomorrow. He is having the DC this weekend, not because it's his birthday but because of another family event. Previously when they have asked to spend his birthday with him, he has always refused, as doesn't want to travel down to pick them up again so soon after Xmas break. Nevertheless, the DC think he is wonderful. This year as they are seeing him on his actual birthday, DD2, age 9 really wants to buy him a present.

The backstory is that he financially completely, utterly screwed me over during our marriage, and during our divorce. He was financially abusive during the marriage, not giving me access to my own earnings. He sold assets to his family emptied bank accounts etc during our divorce and left me with nothing. He is extremely well off, multiple rental properties and still lives in the marital home. He now pays CMS, but under the recommended amount, this is after 3 years of fighting to get any payments from him. I have really struggled financially and will continue to do so.

I hesitated when DD asked if she could buy him a present, as I really don't want to under the circumstances. But I didn't say no. She felt it anyway, and went to school feeling sad, even though I have promised her we will go shopping tonight.

So this evening, I will be taking the DD shopping to buy a birthday present for the man who kneed me in the stomach when I was pregnant with her.

My long-term hope is that she recognises what he is like, but in the meantime, this really sucks.

OP posts:

smartiecake · 17/01/2019 09:31

Forget that! Get them to make him a present at home. Draw a picture, etc. Don't spend money and go and buy a present. I assume he doesn't buy you anything from the kids on your birthday. Tell yout DD that his present is spending the day with his children.

CakeNinja · 17/01/2019 09:34

What a shit position to be in.
I’d give them a £5 limit to buy him some crap from Poundland and be done with it. You can stand outside while they go in (actually you know better than me if she’d be able to do that!) and they can wrap it and make a card.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 17/01/2019 09:34

You're being a good parent by meeting the needs of your child. By parenting well you've established that, within our culture, it's kind to give a gift to someone we love on their Birthday.
Swallow your own feelings for this. It's not important. My ex never took the children to buy for me yet I continued to do it for them to give to him. It's being a good parent. I can assure you your dd will one day realise how you tried so hard

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 17/01/2019 09:35

This sucks. I wish you could gift him a donation to Women's Aid.
I have not advice but didn't want to read and run.

worriedandannoyed · 17/01/2019 09:36

As awful as it is this is for your child and not for him. She'll learn as she grows older what he's like but for now you have to grit your teeth.

My children wanted to get their dad something for Christmas but at that age they don't have a concept of what's an expensive present so you don't need to spend a lot. A pair of socks and a bar of his favourite chocolate or something similar? That's what I did for my ex this Christmas.

mumsastudent · 17/01/2019 09:37

get them to make a cake - hopefully badly - or buy -cheapest possible in charity shop - smellies - something that smells disgusting would be good - make sure its a restricted amount which 'tho dc might like - is an insult rather than a present!

Original poster

Redandyellowbits · 17/01/2019 09:45

I assume he doesn't buy you anything from the kids on your birthday.

He never did buy me things for my birthday even when we were married.

Post-divorce, he has had a few birthdays with the DC when he hasn't got them anything either, until DD aged 9 said 'daddy, you always buy something for youngest DC, what about us?' So now he does get them presents.

She wants to buy him a mug saying 'World's Greatest Daddy', so we are going to look for one this evening. If we can't find it I'll suggest baking a cake, which is a great idea - they would love to do that..

OP posts:

bibliomania · 17/01/2019 09:53

I rather like the disgusting cake! But you don't want to expose your dc to your ex being critical about the present (not that you can control this one way or another).

I agree with the Poundland suggestion. Ultimately, you care more about supporting your dc than spiting your ex, and that's truly admirable. The fact that you have to grit your teeth to do makes it all the more admirable!

Gramgram · 17/01/2019 09:53

Stick to supermarkets when searching for the daddy mug you're unlikely to find one. Avoid the card shops, as they might. Cake is a brilliant idea, lovingly decorated by the children.

bibliomania · 17/01/2019 09:55

Oh, the "World's Greatest Daddy" makes me feel for you and your dd. Poor kid.

goldengummybear · 17/01/2019 10:10

Buy a plain one in Poundland and get your dd to decorate it with those words.

LeeBird · 17/01/2019 10:24

Smartiecake gave you the best idea IMO! Do not spend your money and time going to shops buying him a present. Let your children draw him a picture, make cards, do some hand-made gifts.

Original poster

Redandyellowbits · 17/01/2019 10:33

Stick to supermarkets when searching for the daddy mug you're unlikely to find one.

That's a good idea, our nearest shop is a Sainsbury's anyway, so we can pop there quickly, I doubt we will find one at this time of year. The idea of him getting a 'World's Best Daddy' mug does make me want to cry a little bit for them, all 3 are young and think he is amazing, it's so frustrating.

I completely forgot we have a cake sale at school tomorrow, so we are going to make one for that, I will just get the DC to make an extra one to take to their dads this weekend.

Your support is making me feel much better, more like a good parent and less like a ragey one

OP posts:

bibliomania · 17/01/2019 10:47

Glad you've a way forward and this needn't be onerous. Yes, you are a good parent!

Gramgram · 17/01/2019 11:16

@redandyellowbits yes you are a good parent.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 17/01/2019 11:17

Your daughter sounds lovely

nornironrock · 17/01/2019 12:03

You're obviously raising a kind and thoughtful young lady there. And doing it well.

It won't be too long before she understands the concept of the bigger person. At which point, she'll value the effort you have made.

Stompythedinosaur · 17/01/2019 12:18

I think you are doing the right thing, but totally understand how shit it is!

TheQueef · 17/01/2019 12:24

Homemade 'thoughtfull' gifts only.
Ashtray or glitter on a beer bottle.

Onemorefireball · 17/01/2019 12:35

You have to think of the money you are spending as money spent on making your children happy, mot him imo. Hopefully one day they'll realise what he is like though.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 17/01/2019 12:43

Cake and replace the sugar with salt?
Something home made that won't cost you anything. Candle holder? Calendar?

Ariela · 17/01/2019 12:46

Let her choose what to buy him. Don't restrict her other than on price.

Let her wrap it and have nothing to do with the fact she bought him a My Little Pony with a mane and tail grooming kit.

Alanamackree · 17/01/2019 14:30

Children want their dad to be amazing. It’s not the same as him being amazing. You know how children think that wishing hard enough will make it so?

Buy the mug. Buy it for her, and support her in learning to cope, in her own time and space, with the hard waking of having a bastard for a father. Buying the mug for her is an act of generousity towards your child that confirms that you are in fact an amazing mum.

You’ll know, and he’ll know that a-m-a-z-i-n-g spells wanker. But let her have her dreams for now.

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