Mum who buys ds friends

[LifesTooShortForYourNonsense]

There is a mum in my ds6’s class who over indulged her son - latest toys, games, always a present or sweets after school- but fine, whatever. I don’t know if it’s because of this but her son has behavioural problems, social based stuff and can’t keep friends.

Problem is - she is always bringing sweets (think tubs of) and toys (packs of) to the school gates and after school clubs that I can’t avoid with ds. We often have say no, you can’t have sweets/toys from him and it causes upset.

We say no because it just doesn’t seem right- ds doesn’t like this boy, and won’t like him because of the treats, and it seems an odd thing for an adult to do. Plus I don’t want ds having sweets before tea, and it’s likely to cause upset with my dd if ds has treats. Many reasons!

The mum has said some odd things- when I’ve said ‘no sweets please’ she’s said ‘but I just want them to like me’ and when her ds has chosen mine to have a go at that day ‘but they love each other really’ no, they really don’t.

I’ve asked the school to send a general message to please not hand out sweets, they haven’t, but they don’t really see it happening. Tbf ‘someone giving my child treats’ seems an odd thing to complain about, but it does seem an odd thing to do. Fine if she wants to give to her own ds, but wait 5 mins and do it at home - she really does seem to be trying to buy him friends.

My ds obviously doesn’t understand- I also feel that we would be taking advantage of this boy ds has no intention of being friends with, it’s just a bad message, but as it’s being facilitated by an adult- his mum, I’m having trouble explaining to ds.

So I’ve talked to the school and I’ve talked to her, perhaps not has forcefully as I could - do I put up and shut up, WWYD? Try again? Now I’ve written it down I’m even more unsure, but dh and I have certainly lost too much head space thinking about it.

It does seem odd. Whilst she’s trying to be nice it could end badly if they were given to a child with allergies and made someone unwell. School probably can’t intervene as it isn’t on their property/school time. I think I would be annoyed too, especially as the children involved are so young they can’t understand why they shouldn’t accept the offer. Would an alternative bribe help to break the habit with your son? A sticker for a sticker book or something that you could do for DD too? I know this involves expense on your part but wondered if he would be distracted by this for long enough to break the cycle.

I'm a bit sorry for the boy tbh. He's having trouble making friends and his dm is doing her best to try to help him along. All of us mums are hurt when their dc are suffering and unpopular Probably she's trying too hard and in the wrong way. Maybe other mums are having problems dealing with this as well. I think maybe you could put your heads together and try to find a solution. That should sort out the problem of the sweets handout too.

Tbh I would say no or graciously accept depending on what I wanted to do. You're overthinking that she's buying your sons friendship. Your son is 6. Friendships are fluid. He could become friends with this child even if you're trying to engineer against it.
Also you may have the cause and effect wrong. The mum may indulge him because he doesn't have friends and struggles socially. I imagine it's hard for her to see her 6yrold be isolated.

I feel sorry for him too. He's 6 and struggling with friendships. That must be a pretty shit feeling for them both. Its very hard feeling as though your child is struggling socially. It's obvious she's doing it to ease things for him and I think complaining to the school portrays you really badly. She sounds desperate and you sound unkind.

Some good suggestions, thank you! Yes, I think the mum’s heart is in the right place, and yes, once I’ve written it down I’m sure I’ve over thought it. I guess the problem is that I don’t think it will stop if it’s own accord (for the next 5 years?!) and my resolution this year is to face up to and get rid of stressful stuff, but I’m not sure if there is anything I can or should do with this. 🤷‍♀️

Can't you just say thanks that's a kind offer but we don't really eat sweets/ need anymore toys and have a 5 minute chat?

I dont see what's stressful about it. Just be kind but honest.

Seems like it should be easy... it’s ds shouting and sulking about what he can’t have that’s stressful. More avoidance tactics, I think - which leaves this boy in a worse position, but there are plenty who do take his sweets and go to his house to play with all the toys! Thanks everyone.

But tbh that's a problem with your DS that you need to manage. It's not the other mum's fault. It's also not unique to the other mum. You're going to come across lots of parents who have different rules and you need to be able to enforce your own rules with your DC.
I've always been stricter about sweets, chocolate, fizzy juice, etc, than most of DS' friends' parent's but DS had to learn that we had our own rules and no amount of shouting or sulking would change them.