Same sex affair, should I give her a second chance.

[Pheonix88]

My same sex partner had an affair with her straight work colleague.
Me and my partner have been together for 9yrs, in what I thought was a happyish relationship, taking away the usual life stresses e.g Money, jobs. Back in Aug 2017 I got my partner a job with the care company I work with. This is a hard job with 12hr shifts My partner is 'shy' and 'quiet' type and I'm more talkative and outgoing. Everthing was going fine for a Yr or so I thought. But then she started staying out til 7am with her new work mates and wearing more reveling clothing, not to mention her phone was always on silent she would always ignore my calls or text back infrequently. I have been under a lot of stress as last year I supported my mother through stage three bowel cancer. So when my partner made new friends I wanted to encorauge this so let her go out every weekend with no restrictions, I wanted her to let her hair down a bit becaoue of how depressed it had been at home. But then in September she stayed out till 7am... I was worried sick, she had never stayed out that late before. I started to get really paranoid that she was cheating on me. But felt awful for not trusting her. I just had this gut feeling that wouldn't go away. So I Confonted her. I asked her I'f she had done anything with any of her work colleagues. She denied it and told me I was depressed from my mother being ill and we both booked myslef a Dr's appointment for the next morning. That night the nigling feeling in my stomach wouldn't go away. So I looked through her phone. My life just stopped... I found naked pictures of my girlfriend, in my underwear on are bed that she was sending to her other women and really nasty messages between herself and her other work colleagues laughing about hiding it and keppimg her options open. So again I Confonted her. She's told me lie after lie, to the point she made up fake people, names and fake conversations. I eventually after months of being told her fabricated truth I messages her entire work team, only to told that she had been cheating on me with a straight girl from work that was also in a long term relationship with a man. I was devistated and embarrassed that they all knew and that they were planning this behind my back for god nos how long. But now that I have the 'facts' my girlfriend told me that they kissed twice exchanged naked pics and sexy danced while out. But I don't belive her, she said that it only happend in Aug 2018 even though she had been friends with this OW for over a Yr they had not done anything until Aug. I have found pics of them both in night out from over a Yr ago though my girl freind says that nothing was going on then. I have arrange for counselling with relate that we are both attending. But my problem now is. HOW DO I BELIVE HER VERSION OF THE TRUTH. HOW DO I TRUST THAT WHAT SHE IS TELLING ME IS THE TRUTH. I feel stuck, I just want to know if This feeling will ever go away and if it is worth even fighting for. Thanks x

Your relationship sounds horrible. Apart from comfort, habit and convenience, why do you want to stay with her?

Gosh this almost mirrors my SIL and her partner. They're still together but there is no trust and the relationship seems toxic.

Up untill Aug this year we have been happy and what some would say 'couple goals' we spoke everyday, had date night never argued and had a great physical relationship. We were planning on adopting this year. Only to find out in Aug that she was cheating on me. She has never done this to me before so I keep telling myslef that she decerve a second chance. She has quit her job and is going to counseling with me and reading books all the rest of it. We still laugh together and have had some really good days since, but they are hit and miss. I love her with all my heart and I don't see a futer with anyone else. I wan tgo make this work but I'm worried I'm waring my time. I'm having nightmares about her affair and flash backs. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to her through this.

Seeley boo I always told myslef and others that if This happens then it's over. But I don't hate my girlfriend, if I did it would be easier. Day to day we are good we just get in with it we don't argue or bicker, but when we do argue it goes from 0/60 shouting swearing and with one of us telling the other it over. I feel that I am the one that is dragging this out. I keep telling myslef they never even had sex get over it!! But I'm plagued with pictures and messages that go around in my head. I just want to know how to feel secure again and how to get rid of the images and Intrusive thought. My girlfriend apologises to me daily and I have seen the regret and remorse on her face. She is going to counseling and doing all she can to prove to me that she has changed. I'm just worried that I'm damaged beyond repair. I'm so paranoid I look for clues around my house or in her phone. I feel crazy. I want to be able to get through this and have the life we promised each other. I'm just not sure I'm strong enough

Hi op I've sent you a private message :) check your inbox

No you shouldn’t stay with her whatsoever

You were planning to adopt, but she was working 12 hour shifts, and now she's quit her job?

You sound as if your lives are pretty turbulent.

I'm not clear what your relationship being same-sex has to do with it. If you want to give her a second chance, go for it. But TBH it sounds as if she's lying a lot, and I can't see, personally, how that would have a future.

"How do I trust her version of the truth?"

There is no version of the truth. She is a liar. Why do you care about anything she has to say anymore?! Also, why do you assume anything "truthful" could be coming from her mouth?

It is simple isn't it? Leave her!
Why would you want to continue a relationship with a compulsive liar and a cheat?

Go to counselling alone and start to rebuild your life... alone! One life is all you have on this earth. Why would you waste it with someone like this?

OP. Reading your response I'm convinced you're my SIL. They're good friends, mostly but the underlying issues of trust plague them and one ignores the issue and one is broken by the issues. One thinks it's ok and the other doesn't. Total opposites with their opinions on where a boundary should have been while in a monogamous relationship. I hope it works out for you but sadly you're being very passive and maybe fooling yourself it'll be ok. I hope it is though.

As a pp has said, I'm also not sure why this being a same sex affair is so relevant that it's in the title of your thread

She had an affair, end of. If you can't trust her anymore (and why would you?) then end it. Yes it will be painful, but you don't want to waste your life with someone like this.

Thanks you for all you responses, I feel so stupid for even thinking about being with a 'cheat' and belive me I've broke up with people before for less. This just feels different. I don't hate my girlfriend, we have been together 9yr with no really big issues up untill this. It's the fact that I was so happy for so long that has made me want to try again. And yes we were talking about adopting next year as we were both in stable jobs at the time ,are life is not normaly this turbulant... but because the other women was a work colleague, my partner quite her job when I found out. Rightly so if you ask me! But anyway the thing is, we have been talking for months now and going to counseling and my partner has really been putting the effort in, I feel that it is just me now that is sabotaging any hope of a future because I cant get it out of my head and the fact that if there is a name mentioned on the t.v or a song comes on the radio, it sent me off in a fit of rage.... Has any one had this happen to them?? if so, is this normal to have theses triggers and when will this end!! I want to just forget about it and move on, but I'm finding this more difficult than I first thought. Any help to recover from this would be greatly appreciated x

I made a reference to us being a lesbian couple because I can't relate to the books and articles I've read and I just wanted a different opinion. Does it make a difference?? Just wanted some differnt views that's all 🤗

Honestly I don’t think there is any way back from this.

She has been cheating and backstabbing you with her mates. She’s staying for convenience - she might be telling you she loves you, but she has no respect for you.

Imagine the rest of your life worrying every time your partner isn’t with you wondering if she’s with someone else. If she’s cheating again. Imagine having to explain to a child you’ve broken up because she’s finally left you.

I don’t want to be harsh OP but you need to start anew with someone who hasn’t completely shat all over your relationship.

And by the way, cheaters never admit to everything. They admit to exactly what they think you know about and nothing more.

Yes, that does make sense and I know what you mean. I think it's hard to separate out, sometimes, what people say about relationships that relates to gender and what they say that doesn't.

But I think this one is clear cut. Sadly. It just doesn't sound as if there's anything left.