Where to get help for a self harming teen

[Jess74]

I've put this in chat for the traffic. My gorgeous, smart, funny, deep thinking 13 year old daughter told me last night that she's been self harming and feels down, exhausted, sad and scared. She hates school and finds it overwhelming.

This has come as a total shock and I'm still trying to process what this does and could mean. Please be gentle as I'm feeling like crap right now. I've tried to call the young minds helpline but they are busy so I just wondered if any of you fellow parents might have some advice. Dd doesn't want me to tell the school or anyone. I've agreed to that for now but she knows it's not sustainable. Where do I start to try and get help? Thankfully dd is keen to speak to someone so should I look for a counsellor? Where do you start to look for one and how do I know they are the right person? I've thought of Cahms but have heard they're a nightmare and I assume the waiting list will be long. What do I say to dd? I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I can't believe this is happening.

Start with your GP. They referred my DD to CAMHS.
They really helped, she is in her 20s now and hasn't self harmed for years.

One thing I will say, hard as it is try not to respond emotionally when she hurts her self.
My DD said she couldn't cope at all with upsetting me.
I had a first aid kit and she knew she could come to me and I'd help her sort herself out. Make sure the wounds were clean and dressed if needed.
I feel for you I really do. It's heart breaking to see our babies in such turmoil.
There is light at the end of the tunnel.
CAMHS also provided us with some family therapy which my DD and I attended together. That was massively helpful. Don't write CAMHS off before giving them a chance. Some services are amazing.

OK, thank you. So sorry you've been through this. My mind is in turmoil with every little thing I might have done wrong. I don't mean that to sound me,me,me but I feel so guilty. Do you think I should tell the school? It's very central to her feelings as she says she finds it too much, stressful, overwhelming, she finds it hard to make friends etc. I've thought of changing schools but DH says she would be the same elsewhere.

I found that with some initial problems (not the self harm) with DD at school that the school were very good. They helped her form friendship groups by changing subtly the groups she was in for different subjects. She too was extremely resistant to school knowing but I think It was a release when everything was out in the open.
A later incidence of self harm was not so well dealt with. After contacting school they said there was nothing they could do and told me to take DD to GP. GP admitted that local mental health services for teens were not easy to access and gave us a leaflet for a local support group. After a busy summer (away from school and friends) DD decided she didn't need to contact them.

I'd say take her to GP.
Contact school and ask about supporting her with friendship groups.
Good luck and for you. It's horribly stressful I know.

Thank you.

Kooth online is very good.

Speak to Pastoral care at school, there may be local services to refer on to.

CAHMS is a joke in most areas, huge waiting lists with criteria that is almost impossible to meet.

GP may be able to suggest local private mental health support, if you can afford it.

I told her head of year, so they could keep an eye. But tbh the school were pretty useless. That said it was almost 15 years ago. Schools are probably much more proactive and supportive now.
In the end I took her out of school for the last year and she had home ed until she could go to college. School was a huge trigger for my DD. But she thrived at college
Went on to uni and did really well in the end.
I get the guilt! I was exactly the same. I think all Mums always look to themselves and beat ourselves up when our children are unhappy or struggling. It's natural. But honestly, there are always so many factors with any MH issues. Stop feeling bad, just focus on getting her the right support and being there for her now. Which I'm sure you will be doing.

Contact the CAMHS crisis team. Definitely tell school, they may have good provision for children with additional social, emotional and mental health needs. If not there are schools that do and you can request a move.

I think I'll leave the school for now as DD's has asked me not to contact them and I don't want to undermine her. I have told DH who hasn't taken it well and thinks its all a big drama we should ignore. I understand it but I don't think it helps. She is very dramatic like they all are at this age, but she's it's also a cry for help I can't ignore.

I'm going to call the GP later and start there. I must get back to work. Thanks for your help.

OP, I really sympathise. I've been there.

Go immediately, (and I mean like, get an emergency appointment) to your GP with DD and get a referral to CAHMS. It will take some weeks, depending on your area, but as she's actually been self-harming, your DD should have top priority on any waiting list. This is a first step to getting support both for DD and for yourself.

Like you, I wavered about contacting the school about this, but in the end I did, and I'm very glad I did. They have been fantastic, and put in place a few strategies to help my DD cope. I think it would be good for the school to have your DD's mental health on their radar - she will certainly not be the first self-harmer that they've come across.

Good luck and if you can, update us.

Been to the GP and got her referred to Cahms, but also looking at private therapists as I think it will take a while. I've got some information from young minds which is very helpful. Thank you for your support. I never thought I would need it.

If she feels that she needs to talk to someone outside the family perhaps Childline or Samaritans. Especially when she has the urge to SH. They will talk with her whilst the feeling subside.
If you go for private therapy have a look at the BACP website for professionals in your area.
Samaritans could help support you as well if you feel the need to talk.

I've been there with my daughter. Whilst these probably won't be local to you, the website has some very useful information safa-selfharm.com/