Not sure whether to have children - please help

[SouthernerNorth]

I know this is a really emotive topic - and please anyone reading this don't think I hate children or anything like that....I'm really struggling with this at the moment and would love some advice.

What I'd like to know is if anyone who really thought they didn't want children, went on to have them and has never looked back? Before anyone comments that you shouldn't have children unless you really want to, I 100% agree and please hear me out first...sometimes the explanation is a little more complicated...

I know I am a decent, loving and caring person. I really like children, and I believe I could be a good Mum. I had a difficult childhood though, and have little or no relationship with my family. This has led to me perhaps not craving "family" in the same way that others do. I just don't have the same feelings about having a family that other people do - as I've never experienced love from my own family on that level. Maybe you don't crave what you don't have? I've really struggled with my mental health growing up, because of my relationship with my family, I am very frightened about how much we influence those around us. I have a wonderful husband, who would be a brilliant father. I watchFortunately, through a lot of research and professional support, I feel in a much better place.

I see my friends with their children and they are so happy, and I feel so confused. Maybe I need someone to push me (as my husband definitely wants children) so I face my fear...and it could be the best thing that's ever happened to me. At the same time, I struggle with my emotions sometimes, I worry I am not resilient enough etc. I know these are going to be common fears prospective parents have, and everyone will find it tough....but my feelings are maybe a bit stronger here than they are for others. I can say that if it were solely my decision, I would not take the "risk" of having children. I'm feeling horribly guilty that I don't feel the same way as my husband, and I'm scared I never will. I see my friends on massive highs, but exhausted also - and worry I'm not equipped with resilience enough to cope. If you don't start off 100% about it either, surely that makes it even harder?

I would so love to hear from women who felt the same way I do. I've been really nervous about posting as I've seen on other forums women getting abuse for saying they might not want children. I hope people can understand how hard it is to feel this way. I would love to feel all the "normal" things that women apparently do. I just don't. I'd love to know if this could change.

Lots of women are hugely ambivalent and fearful about deciding to have a child. I was one of them. There have been lots of threads — have a search.

This makes me think of a documentary about post natal depression that was on C4 some years back. A charity was offering therapy to a young woman who had a difficult birth with twins and was struggling to bond with one of them. They were stuck in a first floor flat and whilst her partner was out at work during he day she had no help. As if that wasn't hard enough, she had a background like yours. Watching how she treated the baby she couldn't bond with was heartbreaking. The baby showed signs of feeling rejected, which was awful as the mum was able to bond with the other twin. She was feeling afraid she might hurt her baby and suicidal. She thought she could never be a good mum.
It had a happy ending. The therapy helped her immensely and she and by the time the baby was a toddler they had bonded. The mum said she couldn't believe she had thought she couldn't love the baby. She looked so much happier and more confident in herself as a mum, too.

I was unsure about having children. Never been especially maternal, and didn't know how to interact with young children and babies. I believed people when they said having children was the best thing ever and assumed I would love my own. I took the plunge as I wasn't getting any younger and thought I would regret it if I never did.

Now I have a one year old boy, and I'm so relieved I decided to have him. I love him to bits and enjoy my days with him. Yes certain aspects of looking after a baby are hard, and some days are the pits, but all things considered I'm so glad he is here and I'm so full of love for him.

I think having your own baby will give you new a new meaning of what family is or should be. It won't compare to your current family relationships, so don't judge the situation based on those. Although, when you look at your child and what you feel for them and want for them, it may make you more upset if nobody ever felt that way about you when you were young.