Desperate for some perspective please

[breakthepattern]

Sorry in advance if this gets long. I'd be so grateful to anyone who bears with me.

I'm a long term poster but NC for this as it's identifying, sad and personal.

We are really struggling with our DS, who is 6, not maybe in the way you expect.
It is less his behaviour we worry about than OUR reaction to him.

He's bright and articulate, charming at school and well behaved, but at home and with other family members we can't cope with his high drama reactions to anything and everything that doesn't go his way. (That's the tip of the iceberg but I really would lose you!).

He screeches and rants, fake cries and gets horrible and unpleasant verbally. Massive histrionics at the slightest thing. And I mean, "would you like to go out for tea?"
He can't say "no" he has to throw himself on the floor in despair and have a meltdown. About absolutely everything. Even good things.

He's got no emotional balance at all. He's totally rigid in his play and his expectations and can't handle any deviation.
He's the same if his friends come to play, ranting and throwing a fit if they won't do exactly what he wants. He's not embarrassed (maybe his age) he doesn't care that they won't want to come in future. He can't (or won't) control himself.

Zero flexibility or compromise at all.
He has no sense of being a "good sport" in spite of many patient and gentle attempts to explain.

It makes him hard to play with for us and family members, hard to socialise with other friends and children. Once he's "lost it" it seems impossible to get him back for a long time and path the time follows is then draining and predictable.
But has proved unavoidable with the various things we've tried.

None of this happened until after he turned 4, which coincides with DC2 being about 6m old. So I sort of put it down to DC2 starting to be more demanding and therefore stealing his limelight. We obviously went out of our way to avoid him feeling pushed out. But that has made no difference.

We have had a calm and peaceful household always - he has literally never been around shouting or high tempers in his life until his own.

Anyway. I could kind of live with all of this in a way, and just grin and bear it until he (hopefully) grows out of it.
But neither DH or I is handling it well. We are at our limits from the minute he opens his mouth. We don't talk at all nicely to him once he starts.

We now have come to react quickly and - I'm ashamed to say - quite sharply / nastily at times.
It's like he's become so wildly infuriating that we can't tolerate it at all. It's like being harassed - that's how it feels, and I think we retaliate in kind now. We can't keep the high ground.
DH shouts quite a bit, me a little less but still more than I want to. I hear my tone to him get so cutting and scathing, like I'm trying to snap him out of it, but it's awful and not the way I ever imagined I'd speak to him. I'm horrified sometimes.

It's like crying wolf or something. Like he's pushed us so far we can't come back from it. He makes us both so angry we can hardly speak, and feel like walking out.

We're different characters so it's strange to me that we've both found he's affected us the same way.
I end up crying and distraught when DC are asleep and vowing to "reset" and find new ways of dealing with it. And within a week we're back where we were. Tensions are so high, and we've both devastated at the thought of our behaviour impacting him in the long term. I feel like we're being bullies and that's so far from how we mean to be it makes me cry just writing it.

I don't know how to change our mindset. How to alter our responses. I wish I had a dial to turn down how much he winds us up.
He's a dear little soul and I want so much to be able to help him. So does DH.

I feel like a totally shit parent tbh. He's adored and well cared for physically, but I'm really at a loss how to be better mentally.

I tried the school who don't recognise the child I describe, and I'm waiting to see my GP to ask whether there is any support for DH and I we could try to "regulate" ourselves better.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you've got this far.

I am lost and so, so sad.

Although case in point @LIZS he desperately wants us all together all the time. When you try to tempt him with a "just you and me" and make it exciting he just whines for why his sister can't come. He's super soppy.

@Waddsup12
That's really interesting. I shall watch him and think about the concentration/relaxed brain. That sounds like it could explain a lot.

I think they say to have a bit of quiet time when you come in from school. Food is calming, in my case, too! :-)

Oppositinal defiance disorder? Not regularly recognised by some professionals. But it is an actual thing.

Basic premis- child can’t cope with change or requests of any sort and has major major meltdowns as a result. Any sort of change to “their” routine or idea they process. Could be small could be huge but the reaction is usually off the scale comparatively.

*can’t process

@Atalune yes - he's sort of paper thin fragile. He's confident and loud and then if things aren't exactly how he wants them, he flips. But he's very teary and can be sad as well as angry.

He NEVER stops talking. Sun up to sun down, he's relentless. And woe betide you if you interrupt him. Yet when anyone else is speaking he just shouts over them and gets increasingly agitated/aggressive until they stop and listen.

ODD is part of the autism spectrum so it would make sense that he may display other traits.

Also it’s nonsense to hear oh well he’s good at school as of you’re the problem. You’re not.

He will be so stressed at keeping a lid on his emotions, so stressed about not feeling secure in school that when he comes home you get all that tension and stress pouring out full whack.

The good at school thing is a red herring. Ignore it.

You need an Ed psych assessment and a good consultant peadiatrician.

There are books out there that will give you some strategies though and help you make sense of his behaviours. But a good Ed psych friend of mine tells me often- all behaviour is communication. What is your son trying to communicate and what tools does he need to do that?

Have you considered therapy? For your son and also for you? This behavior sounds similar (although possibly a little more extreme) to my daughter's when she was about 7. Very rigid and completely unable to self-regulate. I actually ended up taking her to a therapist and discussed it a lot with my therapist, which was useful.

At ten I can say that I barely recognize the "old" DD. I don't know if it is just from growing up a bit, but she's a different person. No meds, etc.

I too was as distressed by my reaction to her as her behavior itself - moreso probably. I had to train myself to walk out of the room nd literally put space between us, because I feared that one day I would, in anger, say something so damaging that it couldn't be repaired.

Please be gentle with yourself. But do consider getting professional help. The fact that you've written this post tells me that you care deeply about your child and your relationship. Best of luck.

@olympic19 that has made me cry,
Such a kind message.
The GP appointment I have made is for myself for just the reasons you describe. He's a magical boy and I hate that we can't get a handle on how we respond to him.
I want to rise above the infuriating frustration. Therapy would be wonderful.
I really hope it will pass in time as I'm so glad to hear it has for you.

Thanks @Atalune that's really helpful

The thing I liked about the Explosive Child is that you list all lagging skills. Then you prioritize 2/3. The others you put on a back burner.

I found it meant I was getting less irritated by DS cos we were working on a couple of problems so the others I let slide.

@TchoupiEtDoudou yes I can see how that could happen. I'll order it!

I've been thinking about you, OP. How are things going?

My daughter was like this - angelic at nursery and school impossible to deal with at home.
Always nice to her younger sibling.
We found it so so hard. If I had film of myself interacting with her I'm sure I'd call social services about myself. In hindsight I think DH and myself tended to gang up against her?
The nicest things were spoilt. I'm remembering a horror trip to Florida - how could that be bad?
It went on for quite a long time until she was about 12 I think.
Things like homework were impossible
Fast forward she's now early twenties could not be nicer. Is a qualified professional good relationships.
I think maybe it's tough being good in "formal" settings and they let loose in somewhere they are comfortable and safe.
I'm not trivialising anything you have said but I remember it all so well especially the part about hating ourselves

@dryskinfeethorror gosh yes, that's how I feel. I'm so glad you have a good relationship with your daughter now. That was a long time coming though .

Thanks @olympic19 we're doing so so. We had a long talk after I wrote this, and I told DH some of what was said.
We've made a concerted effort to stay calm, to be gentle, and patient. It's not bloody easy but we've not had a bad week all round.

Sounds as if it's become a vicious circle, sorry only read your first post. I would really just try to cut out the way you react to him. And maybe even not react at all. It probably stemmed from having another child and quickly turned into mere attention seeking. As I not rtft ( will look over a bit now) I hope it's nothing more than that.

Your last paragraph is what I meant so sort of crossed post! As you said things have been better seems like the way to go. Being patient now but not pandering either should do the trick. Think what you said is right if he's ok at school. I can't see how a child with the problems pp's have mentioned can switch it on and off. In his case he's ok at school because he's not getting the same reaction he was getting from you.