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Original poster

Please can you unscramble what my boss said to me?

48 replies

Jennellofire · 14/01/2019 22:18

I am on an extended probation at work due to not yet having all the skills for the job, but rather learning them “on the job.” Getting paid well, enjoying it, got my own office, and no complaints, but the feeling of not being completely integrated/belonging yet is taking its toll.

I had a review with my boss today who told me the following, word for word, in this order:

He took a risk hiring me because he saw potential but there is always a chance that other people won’t see it so I need to meet more people at the company to see if they see the potential he sees before I get a contract.

So far everyone at the company I have met thinks I am great, and all feedback has been 100% positive. All the work I have done has been great.

He worries I am not strategic enough but he also thinks it’s something you can learn and he can teach me. He feels that others may think it is not something that is possible to learn and it is just innate and you either have it or you don’t.

He wants me to believe in myself more. He thinks I have presence when I walk in a room but he needs me to have more self belief and not be “vulnerable.” He said stop being scared of fucking up. Then he told a story about a woman who was silent in a meeting while men talked, then at the end she was asked her opinion and she blew everyone away. Then he said there is a middle ground between hiding your light under a bushel and being in everyone’s face.

Years ago I would have thought I was just dumb and that I didn’t understand what he meant, but I feel here like he is telling me to do conflicting things which is maybe why I feel confused.

I have been working 60 hour weeks for 6 months to prove myself. They want me to relax and be a “presence” at work and act like I own the place, but no-one has even given me a contract yet. I don’t know anyone who would make themselves at home and put their feet up around the fire in a situation like the one I am in.

OP posts:

percypeppers · 14/01/2019 23:22

He's waffling. Get him to clarify exactly what he wants from you in order to pass this probation. It's not rocket science.

Steamedbadger · 14/01/2019 23:27

Are you in the IT Crowd? He's wittering.

Aridane · 14/01/2019 23:56

Networking + visibility + self confidence (not self effacing) + speaking up / being heard .

dellacucina · 15/01/2019 00:06

This is my read of it (similar to what others have said):

He thinks you're fully competent. Someone else disagrees because you don't have a confident enough presence. He is trying to jolt you into action.

You speak of feeling that you're trying to integrate yourself and it being difficult. People can probably pick up on this.

I know this is difficult, but can you try to just pretend you are fully integrated and accepted and act on that basis? It sounds like this might solve your problems.

Background: I have gotten a lot of similar feedback and only now in a very supportive team who tell me how amazing I am constantly, and who have encouraged me to speak up more, do I feel that I have blossomed a bit.

Bluesheep8 · 15/01/2019 06:21

I don't like the 'took a risk hiring you' line. It was said to me almost word for word when my then boss 'saved' me during a round of redundancies. He also said to me at one stage 'no one else believed you were the right person to keep except me and I trusted my instincts and fought your corner. I won't be happy if I'm proved wrong and I don't want to be made to look stupid if you fail'

I ended up apologising every time I thought I'd let him down. It didn't end up being great for my mental health. If your manager is using language like this I would be very careful. This is making out that you have more to prove than everyone else and i have been there. And definitely ask for examples. Or take examples to him, e.g. "This is how I plan to deal with a situation. Please could you tell me what a strategic person would be doing differently?".

Teateaandmoretea · 15/01/2019 07:00

Hmmmm I'm really not sure but he sounds crap. The only boss I had that behaved in similar ways was an incompetent narc.

I would personally take the view I was either right for it or not. The strategic stuff well you need to fully understand the business and its market. But you also need to be someone who can see the bigger picture. So it's a bit of both probably.

Jess74 · 15/01/2019 07:09

Is there any chance he's enjoying the power of deciding if you get a contract or not? Is he the main influencer?

It just strikes me as odd that you've done all these hours and got 100% positive feedback and yet you're basically being told you're still not up to it. I would ask him for specific Smart targets and start keeling your own notes on feedback and situations where you have fulfilled the job criteria and targets.

OllyBJolly · 15/01/2019 07:11

Not very clear but the example he gives of the woman who let the men waffle on before making the killer contribution is telling.

My interpretation is that he feels you lack confidence and profile. You need to make a bit more noise. What many bosses mean when they say "not strategic enough" is that the person tends to focus too much on detail and daily operational issues, not taking time to look at the wider picture and consider more significant improvements/changes. For example, pressurising staff to work harder to meet deadlines rather than thinking "Is there a better way to do this?".

I'd ask for another meeting and ask him to describe what kind of behaviours he thinks would be effective, and to give concrete examples.

I do read it all as positive.

OllyBJolly · 15/01/2019 07:12

And do you really have to work 60 hours per week? That's maybe the crux of it. Work smarter, not harder.

Teateaandmoretea · 15/01/2019 07:13

Yes I agree Jess. There is a tendency on MN to assume the boss is always in the right/ has useful feedback to give. In the real world some really are toxic and clueless and everything they do is just about trying to prop themselves up.

We had one manager who basically gave everyone completely different feedback to their faces as he did to directors . It took years for him to be found out.

PETRONELLAS · 15/01/2019 07:20

Can you act like you’re an interim? So you have to get involved early, start doing everything straight away even if you make mistakes.
Reduce those hours.
Have informal conversations with his peers - ask advice/ go to them with some ideas.
Email him to say you’d like a formal contract to be agreed and happy to establish SMART objectives to work towards - fine to draft these for discussion.
Look for another job...

Whatamuddleduck · 15/01/2019 08:26

I’m hearing that you are technically doing well but that your behaviour isn’t fitting the companies culture.
He wants you to be more pro active about getting your ideas heard. Depending on your industry that may be essential or a load of waffle.

Start with him. Tell him what you are going to do to act on his feed back. Give it a timescale and get him to agree that plan. Don’t just let this run on and on. ThTs not what he’s looking for and no good to you.

I’ve walked into roles and made major changes and challenged senior staff and boards on probation. If that’s what needs to happen to do your job, do it. No point starting differently to how you plan to continue.

Stripyhoglets1 · 15/01/2019 09:13

If someone gave me that feedback and didn't actually clarify what I needed to do and kept me on probation when I'd been working 60 hour weeks - I'd just be looking for another job asap. He sounds like he just likes having you dangling tbh. If you are going to stick it out ask for written clarification to put into an action plan.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 15/01/2019 09:24

He doesn't sound like a good boss to be honest. None of the feedback he has given you is constructive and the fat he outright told you he took a risk hiring you is very controlling behaviour designed to make you feel grateful he employed you.

If he cannot give you smart targets then I would be looking for a new job. Vague pointless drivel is of no use to you and a good boss would be giving you achievable goals.

He truthfully reminds me of someone I used to work with, who once gave me the ever so useful target of be more wow. Even after a 20 minute discussion I was no clearer as to what wow actually was. Like the comments he made regarding you it was so subjective it was impossible to act on.

SuchAToDo · 15/01/2019 09:29

Op it sounds too vague...ask him to explain exactly what he means and give examples of exactly what he wants you to do...

He can't expect you to be a mind reader

MarshaBradyo · 15/01/2019 09:29

He sounds annoying and waffly

Also there’s no doubt that confidence comes from a company actually hiring you rather than an extended probation

So I guess you’ll have to fake it til you make it. Be direct etc

Again how annoying to have to disprove his risk

user1486250399 · 15/01/2019 09:54

Ask him for 3 SMART targets and schedule in a meeting to review in X weeks.

Can't stand this kind of waffle - it gets no one anywhere.

ShalomJackie · 15/01/2019 10:02

He just wants you to speak up more so others get to see what he saw in you.

StormTreader · 15/01/2019 10:57

What everyone else has said - you need to own your space and act a bit more like a bigshot or what our quiet introverted little office would call a "sales wanker". Stop scurrying around quite so much just quietly working and putting in lots of overtime and expand your presence - be more visible, be more audible, take the best chair at the meeting, cut across someone who's talking if you have a contribution you think is important. Mentally manspread.

Di11y · 15/01/2019 11:07

find some strategic thinking planning course and ask to go on it. I think it sounds like you're not acting the level you are, offering your opinions, being secure in your decisions and not letting others intimidate you.

dellacucina · 15/01/2019 11:10

Mentally manspread I love it! And yes, do this OP.

Also, just to add - just as it may be too optimistic to assume the boss has her best interests at heart, it may be overly pessimistic to say he is a wanker. I don't think it will do OP any good to write him off as a narcissist without trying to follow what sounds to me like well-meaning advice. It may make sense to go back to him and (in a confident way) ask for some specific ideas. Better yet, think about some specific examples of what you think he might mean, present these, and ask if that's the type of thing he is looking for. (Eg 'what if in X meeting I had jumped in with my idea after Y said Z', 'what if I volunteered to take charge of X project and I did it in the meeting rather than quietly talking to you afterward')

Also, maybe proactively say that you really valued his advice and ask if you can follow up in a week to discuss how you've taken it on board.

It's possible that they just have a poor management culture (rather than he is a dick) and you need to do some of the managing for him iyswim

CountessVonBoobs · 15/01/2019 11:14

Narcissist or not, he's the boss, and you don't get anywhere unless and until you can learn to manage your boss.

He wants you to stop doing long hours with your head down and start building more relationships, articulating your ideas and appearing more confident.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 15/01/2019 11:20

I thought about you overnight. Actually I would be inclined to start my campaign to be more assertive by going back to him and saying it was unacceptable to keep prolonging my probation. No man would have accepted it. And he probably wouldn’t have don’t it to a man either.

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