I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. I can't see a way forward

[breakdjs]

I've name changed because I'm usually a very cheerful poster and I feel deeply upset that I have to write something like this.

But I just sat with my hands in my head just now and thought 'I'm going to have a nervous breakdown'. I'm never usually a down person. However, life events of a negative type have really got to me one and the other and I really feel I cannot cope. I can't keep living this way. Everything is too much, I feel like I cannot breath with it all anymore.

-I lost my job before Christmas

-I am struggling to find another job

-I am being investigated by HMRC and the evidence I have to get together is two pages long, and lots of it I don't have. Lots of it I'm trying to get but it's really difficult. Others aren't cooperating and answering my calls to get what I need.

• I have horrendous migraines and I thought I could've had a nervous breakdown today looking after DS. DH took the day off to have a minor surgery and this evening we took it in turns but oh my good God, I could've ended it all there and then. He just kept crying and wouldn't settle to sleep. My head was pounding. I felt close to losing it.

• I'm so skint and so desperate. I went for an interview today, late afternoon. The absolute perfect role for me, with an ideal job title to keep my CV remaining very professional but also being part time so I can spend more time with DS. I think it went okay but I think it could've gone better. I had a migraine all day and was at the 'just hanging headache' stage whilst at the interview. Obviously I didn't tell them that, but my head was pounding all the time. It still is.

• I've had to give up learning to drive now I'm out of a job. I think this is really took a hit on my get up and go. I feel like I'm back at square one.

• Unplanned pregnancy. Not sure what to do. Never ever wanted any more children, but feel tremendously guilty about a termination because of how hard I worked to get my lovely DS.

• DS is just sucking the joy out of me. I can't even think for a second without him self destructing everything in his path. He's only just turned 1. He brings me so much love and I adore him, but I feel like I just can't handle him properly right now.

I feel so low and down. I don't know what's gotten into me. I'm usually very upbeat and positive! But it feels like all my efforts are worth fuck all. Life just seems a crock of shite with no enjoyment.

Has anyone been through similar?

Hope your okay❤️💐💐💐

Sending all my hugs - understand what your going through it does get hard sometimes❤️
Stay strong
God bless x💐

I really hope you are okay. I want you to know that this feeling will not be forever.
I think you owe it to yourself to have this breakdown. You need a day it two at least,
What’s your support network like?

Sending lots of supportive thoughts your way.
It sounds like you are under a tremendous amount of stress at the minute and how you feel is understandable. Have you thought about speaking to your doctor to see if they can offer any help?

Do you have a friend or relative that could take DS for a sleepover so you can try get a restful night and crack on with the paperwork for HMRC the next day? You sound like you need a break if not a breakdown

So sorry OP. Your feelings are very understandable considering what you are having to deal with. Do you have any IRL support?

Sorry to hear your having such a difficult time. I can’t even imagine how hard this must all be.
I have a one year old too and at times I literally feel like it is too hard.
It’s a difficult age, things with your DS will get easier.
I’m sure you are doing your best and that’s all you can keep doing.
Tomorrow is a fresh new day x

Sounds like everything has happened at once. Your ds will get easier, i suffer from migraines and it is impossible to look after children. I take sumatriptan which helps but was thinking of asking for something to prevent them. The pregnancy sounds like a shock, maybe you could post about it on the pregnancy options board to get more clarity. X

Thank you for all the lovely replies

DS is still breastfed to sleep so a night with relatives doesn't seem possible. They all know he's a nightmare child when he's upset without me

I really know I need to be more positive but it is so hard and everything seems so pointless.

DH's salary covers the house and bills, but it's a real struggle after that. It just about covers a small weekly food shop. It is doable, just very miserable. And obviously I'm job hunting so need travel costs etc. Which will be harder to factor in.

I really need something positive to happen soon. I just do.

That lot would be enough to make anyone feel down. It's ok to feel like everything is out of control sometimes and being in pain will make everything feel a million times worse.
Try to get some sleep and then tomorrow start tackling the HMRC list one item at a time everything else can wait this week.

Also you don't have to be positive, its OK to acknowledge that everything is a bit shit at the moment.
It won't be forever though!

Firstly, venting on here is excellent. It’s a release and you’ll get support.
Tomorrow, go and see GP. Tell them or show them what you’ve written in here. It may help to write it down to avoid rambling when you get there.
Gp can offer support. Write to HMRC and inform them that you are under your gp for depression right now and that you’d appreciate more time.

I have a 10 mth old and 3 yr old and completely understand the chaos little ones can cause. They are like Tasmanian devils.
Let your lo make a mess. Just leave it, say until 3.30 just before tea time. Whikst lo in high chair, it’s your turn to be Tasmanian devil, just in reverse.
Once your dc2 is born, gp can refer you to perinatal mental health team. Fantastic service. Worth their weight in gold in my opinion. Tonnes of support. You may even get it now as you’re pregnant and have a 1 year old.

It can be shit sometimes. It’s never one thing, it’s always dozens of things which pile up. You’re feeling so overwhelmed.
I know it feels scary and out of control but you can do this.
As sodding stupid as it sounds, humour me here, write each challenge down, each worry.

It will give clarity. Then work out order of priority.
Top of the list, write yourself down.
Start there. You’re the most important thing on the list.
I’m here if you need any support. I’m right here, ready to be of help. Xx

Is it worth checking whether you’d be entitled to tax credits/ benefits if your income has dropped? It might give you a bit of breathing space financially.
It’s so hard when things happen all at once, when you’re sleep deprived with a little one. I’ve been there. Be as kind to yourself as you would to a close friend. Try and just do small things for yourself, even if just sitting and enjoying a hot cuppa, and focusing on that, when your DH has DS.
Just keep on doing the next thing and you will get through this.

OP I am sorry you lost your job and that you are feeling so overwhelmed.

Try and chunk it out, 1 at a time:

With the HMRC issue, communicate to them that you are absolutely in the process of getting everything required from you, it is simply taking time. They will understand.

For the organisations (I'm assuming) that aren't getting back to you, set it to a limit of 2 calls a day. (Dependant on how urgent this investigation is) one AM and one early PM. Log all of your calls so you can evidence them to the HMRC that you are not sat on your bottom doing nothing. While this is not ideal, it gives the issue a little structure and hopefully makes it appear more manageable to you.

When you are feeling frustrated to the point of distraction with your DS, put him in a safe place so he can't hurt himself and have a few minutes breathing space. Take the time to acknowledge how you're feeling rather than suppress it, then go back to him. As he gets older it will get easier.

The fact that you got called for an interview is fantastic, well done. This shows that your skill set and you are desirable to the workplace and that is a huge boost. Hang on to that and deal with the outcome of the interview when it comes, do not stress beforehand.

Regarding the unplanned pregnancy, only you and your OH can tackle that issue. Just know that you are trying hard to keep it together and even if he can't say it, your little one appreciates it and hopefully so does your OH.

All of these issues, tackle what's in your control first and then look to the things outside of your control. You're doing fantastic.

Wow, thank you for all the support it's really overwhelming, in a lovely way.

Unfortunately, we aren't entitled to anything at all from tax credits. DH earns too much, apparently.

Once your dc2 is born, gp can refer you to perinatal mental health team. Fantastic service. Worth their weight in gold in my opinion. Tonnes of support. You may even get it now as you’re pregnant and have a 1 year old.

I have to say, this statement made me run cold a little bit. My head immediately shouted but I don't want a DC2! I think I know what my answer is to this situation. On top of that, it isn't just a DC2. It's a DC3 too. We had a scan at 5.5 weeks for spotting. There were two yolk sacs, two separate sacs. We are back again next week to see if they have formed into actual viable pregnancies or not though

It’s vompletely understandable you’re feeling this way about the pregnancy, especially with a one year old.
Is it the pregnancy and prospect of twins which is mainly overwhelming you and sending you into turmoil? Of course you’re going to be feeling that way.
You are part of your family. You are vitally important in your family. You and your dh can make a decision ref the pregnancy based on what is best for you all moving forward. It’s too easy to say, oh well it’s happenned, yet incredibly overwhelming to face and manage.
Your feeling at breaking point. Forget stigma. You should decide what’s best for your family.
I’m not suggestion an abortion but what I am suggesting is that if you were to contemplate this avenue, think of it as doing what’s best for your family ( if you feel that’s the best). Don’t focus on the other aspects of termination. It won’t help you at all.

@breakdjs how are you feeling today?