How do I disengage?

[Pudding123]

Our DS, 18, is a challenge atm.

He has dropped out of college as he has mental health difficulties. He is therefore too unwell to get a job or volunteer and has been assessed for adult mental health services. He has an ASD.

All DS wants to do is hang around with friends in the next town. The bus service is limited and it's an hour round trip by car. I have a chronic long term health condition and it is a challenge driving for this amount of time.

His friends are considerably older.

DS isn't taking any medication as he feels it isn't helping.

I have taken him to the GP and mental health clinic and met with college to try and get him back (at DS's request). He isn't engaging.

Added to this we have caught him lying about smoking after we told him to be honest as we would rather he was straight with us. He lies about where he is and who he is with all the time. Even when there isn't any need. Consequently we feel we can't trust him.

I feel very resentful at giving lifts/money, etc. I also feel very guilty for feeling angry. He has a melt down and self-harms if he feels we are cross/upset with him.

I am at a loss as I don't seem to be able to reach him.

Any thoughts/strategies would be appreciated as we are struggling.

For information my DH is currently undertaking a masters to improve his job prospects after relocating so isn't currently around much in n the week.

My dc are much younger so this might be entirely worthless.

It seems to me that you’re caught between the legal rights of an 18 year old, and the actual abilities of your ds.

As an 18 year old he can refuse to attend school and refuse to take medication. You can’t compel him to do either.

However, enabling his lifestyle at this point is neither tenable or wise so there need to be consequences to his actions. Logical and natural consequences generally work better than punitive sanctions.

He’s not earning money so can’t pay for bus fares and depends on you for lifts. So either he needs to earn pocket money, or make your efforts in driving him worthwhile in some way.

Living in community (family or other kind) brings benefits and responsibilities. He has to contribute to the family unit to the best of his ability. Depending on his learning style you might be able to explain this best using pictures or mathematical concepts. How does he propose contributing/paying his way?

He may not have the maturity/skills yet to do what an NT 18 year old is capable of but should still be able to contribute in terms of chores at least. In the same way that an ABA programme will break down complex skills into components, you may need to look at teaching him responsibility incrementally.

It sounds like he needs considerably more support in either an educational or vocational setting but I don’t know what your options are or how you’d find out.

Thank you so much for your reply.

What you are saying makes so much sense.

I have come across ABA before and think the approach of teaching incrementally would be helpful. I am going to have a long hard think about how to do this.

I totally agree that we need to encourage and use logical consequences.

I'm going to investigate more education and training options as I agree he needs considerably more input. I'll also call his CPN tomorrow.

Thank for take big the time to reply.

Have you got an integrated autism service in your area? If so they should be able to offer some support

I'll make some enquires.

We moved to a small town from a big city a couple of years ago, so I am less sure of services.