I would like a ladies opinion on this please (Military career related)

[Brian3]

Hi guys,
So I am going to go out on a limb here and ask a question that I would like a ladies perspective on. Specifically the perspective of ladies married to servicemen ideally (not assuming women can't be in the military or anything, just that my situation it is I who want to enlist). But anyone can feel free to wade in.

I am 31 and after some career issues I have ended up in a dead end job I hate. I have worked hard for a long time and gotten nowhere so now I want to change gears and I want to join the RAF but my wife has said she would leave me if I did so. Her reason is that she has her own life and job (admittedly a job she hates) and that it is not fair on her. I could be stationed away from home and she would not want me to be away for long periods of time and she is worried when I would inevitably be called for active duty.

My response is that I think I will regret it if I did not at least try to join up. My other point is that she originally said she wanted children but after 10 years of being together about a year before we got married she opened up and said she had lied and that she didn't want kids and didn't want me to leave her. So now no chance of kids unless she changes her mind. We also always said we would try to move to Canada from the UK and she has also made it clear she wouldn't want to do that either so that's another of our future plans scuppered. I am now feeling that if there is no chance of a family or moving away that my request to join the RAF isn't asking too much of her since she has already changed our plans twice now without anything I can do about it. We are very much in love and I do not begrudge her her decisions, life is messy and things change and I do not want to lose her, but this is something I would like to do. I get that she didn't sign on to be a serviceman's wife and this is changing gear after she signed the line so to speak but given how shes done that to me twice already I feel like I am not asking too much. I would really like her support in this, and in my opinion we both don't really like our situation at the moment so this could be a great move.

The way I see it she could stay where she is and keep her current job and I will just move away for my work and come back every other week and holidays and such, or she could come with me. I get that I am asking a lot of her but isn't marriage meant to be give and take?

I am too close to this issue to be impartial, I know I am going to get slated but what do you guys think? I know this is not the usual place to go for asking a question like this but I wanted to get other perspectives as when I asked this on more military forums I was told to remove my manhood from my wifes purse. So I am hoping for a more balanced view from this. If not slate away.

We have been married for 1 year but together for 11 by the way.

Thanks,
Brian

I am married to a serviceman and have also had experience in the military myself. I would be very cautious about joining without your wife's support if you want to stay together as being apart is tough and if she's not onboard with it you will both be miserable. Being in the military they effectively own you and you have very little say over any of your life decisions. My husband has missed many births, deaths and marriages due to his role and I have always felt a little cheated that he was never there to support me though those life changing scenarios and ultimately it has affected our relationship. It is a single persons life in my opinion.

I had a long term boyfriend who I loved very much and was in The Navy.
One of the reasons we split up was that I didn’t want to be married to a serviceman and have that life ( either frequent moves or long absences or both). I had family who were military and some who were military wives and it’s not something that fitted with my aims and aspirations.
However, I could make that choice before marriage and your wife couldn’t. I guess you both need to decide individually whether you want to be married or not. I imagine if you decide to stay married and not join the RAF your relationship is probably still a bit doomed as you will always resent her but it’s such a massive life change for both of you you both have to be onboard with it
No easy solution I’m afraid

Is the military option really the crux of the matter though?

Are you happy in your marriage, particularly with regard to future children? If not, then perhaps you need to consider that before taking a decision regarding a career in the forces.

Hmm...I agree with pp in that it would be very difficult if your wife wasn't fully in support of your decision and I sympathise with her as it could be very lonely for her, especially without children. If my DH decided at this stage in our relationship that he wanted a job that meant he was away a lot I would be very upset as it's a massive change in your relationship, even though when we met it was potentially on the cards (not military but similar.) However it sounds like your relationship isn't quite what you thought it was and losing the chance to have children and move to Canada is a big deal if that's what you've been dreaming of. I think you really have to decide what it is you want most because the danger is that if you don't join the RAF because she doesn't want you to and you also don't have children (depending on whether you really do want to have kids) then it could be a recipe for resentment and unhappiness.