A question for you if ex wanted 50 50 after split

[maisiemackenzie]

Recently split from H and have been quite surprised that he has been desperate to have DCs as much as possible.. he wanted 50 50 but I've been strongly against this. My instinct is that this is a snap reaction from him and that once a bit of time has gone by he will be more interested in his new life and be less keen to have the DCs with him. I'm just curious to hear from anyone further down the line than me.

I split from my ex many years ago, when our 4 DCs were all under 6.
We did shared care: 4 nights v 3 nights.
Worked well and fitted around our work patterns perfectly. Kids are now all well adjusted adults and have good relationships with us both.

Thank you. I think I just know how common it is for men to lose contact with their DCs in the longer term after a split and I feel cautious to build a life that hinges on him having them if I can't rely on this.

He’s less likely to lose contact the more he sees of them. If you limit the time he has them because you think he’ll lose interest eventually, it’s likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’m on the other side of this and my DH has DSD 4 nights a week, and they’re as close as ever 15 years after he split with her mum.

I've been divorced 7 years. Me and ex do 50/50. 5 nights one week, two the next. Works really well.

Part of the reason men lose contact IMO with their children after divorce or separation is that they don't see them enough to really be a part of their lives. Sometimes men don't want to of course.

Often with younger children they're better off being with the mother because she's had majority care anyway (in most cases). So it continues the routine for the kids benefit. But with older children I think the dad often just has EOW - four days a month isn't much to build a relationship with your kids. My ex has our 4 two days a week but makes no contact outside of that time at all and already it's slipping with the older two.

If he's an interested, involved dad now who does his fair share then 50:50 may well work for the kids - is he? How old are the kids?

I think its great he wants 50/50 and you should be facilitating that. As pp said, he is more likely to stay in their lives if he is actually in their lives

At the moment he has them 5 nights out of 14. He is actually more involved with them now than he was before which maybe is part of what is making me not trust him because I'm questioning his motives.

Kids are 16, 11, 9 and 5. The 16 year old does his own thing separately to the little kids and stays with him 2 nights a week.

I definitely think part of the reason he wanted 50 50 is in order not to pay me maintenance.. he is a good dad but I have always done the main bulk of parenting so I felt really strongly that I wanted to have them the majority of the time.

My xh initially wanted 100%, then 50/50. Actually ended up EOW and now, 3 years later, is 3 times a year. Not all men want to parent and he is really shit at it.

Sorry, but it just sounds like you are dad bashing here for no major reason.

My ex and I work on a bit of a rota. It does work out me having our DS more but I only work 4 days compared to his 5.
He always has DS Weds night and EOW. On my weekend he will have our DS Sunday late afternoon and overnight and vice versa. On his weekend, I will pick our DS up late Sunday and have him the night. Works really well for us and our DS is close to both of us. Hes almost 3.

You haven't put anything here to say why 50 50 would be a bad thing

Maybe he just wants more time with them? He is their dad??

But it isn't about you feeling strongly about having them, he is their parent as much as you are. You having them all the time now isn't your reward for being the main carer when you were together.

I think 50 50 is only really appropriate if there has been a fairly even split of parenting up to that point. I'm trying to keep things as stable and consistent for my kids as possible and already him having them 5 days out of 14 is a lot more than he has ever looked after them before. When he moved out last spring he had never looked after all of them for even 1 day on his own.

Your line of thinking would not hold up in court. The children are not of a dependent age group.

Lots of dad's go for 50/50 as they don't want to pay maintenance. Maintenance for 4 children will really add up.

You know him best and if your instincts are telling you he may not be able to follow through with his 50/50 request then listen to them, test them?
Can you allow him 50/50 access and time will show whether his words and his actions match. It took my xh 6-9 months to show his true intentions.

Don't let your own worries about losing your children interfere with what is best for the children. If their dad genuinely wants to be in their life they need to be able to have a relationship with him too and you need to play your part in helping them do that.
It will all work out ok in the end, your children and your love for them will not be lost.
I'm over 5 years down the line now, xh has no face to face contact, entirely his choice and not what I'd ever imagined he'd be like, I was convinced he'd be a hands on parent, but people surprise you.

I sympathise because it’s frustrating to see someone who wasn’t as involved as they should have been suddenly stepping up to be dad of the year (& I wonder in many cases if they’d actually done that 50% share of parenting in the first place whether the couple would have split). It’s like insult being added to injury however it is usually in the best interest of the children

I think it's good he wants to be involved and I would go for 50/50. I think you need to remember when the household is not broken up the parenting is not always fair as one person is usually the breadwinner etc and effort isn't being made because they can see the children day in day out. However, once you are split up and know you need to actively nurture a relationship some step up and some just check out.

If he wants 50/50 I would say give it a go if it doesn't work say in 1 years time this can always be changed. Give him the chance to build relationships with his children..

Only you know your situation. I do 50:50. Dd is coping as well as she can. If you’re going down an amicable agreement route, it can work, but be aware that things may change in the future.

If exh doesn’t want to give you any money, he probably could get away with it, irrespective of how often he has your children.

I definitely think part of the reason he wanted 50 50 is in order not to pay me maintenance

Even if he had them 50/50, he should still pay maintenance. Cooking their dinner a few nights a week is one thing...who is paying for uniform, clothes, shoes, mobile phones, school trips, dentists, haircuts, hobbies etc?

Just to say that I paid maintenance to my ex: we had 50/50 exactly but they spent 4 nights with him and 3 with me in a usual school week.

AND I paid for uniform, clothes, shoes, mobile phones, school trips, dentists, haircuts, hobbies!

Hmmm. As you can see from my username, I'm he's to this to, but it never crossed my mind that there'd be anything other than 50/50. But I guess it depends on how he was as a parent pre break up and what sort of relationship you want your kids to have with him.