13 (very nearly 14) DD wants to be a boy - advice please

[aproblemsharedandallthat]

Hi all,

Hope you're having a good weekend.

My 13 (very nearly 14) DD told me and DH a few months ago that she wasn't interested in boys and fancied girls. No problem, at all.

Last week, DD says she doesn't know what gender she is, doesn't identify with a gender but wants to be a boy. After a chat DD says she wants to bind her chest and have a boy haircut, wear boys clothes and have a boys name. Totally out of the blue.

Just a bit of background, DD also said she thinks she is dyslexia because a YouTuber she watches is dyslexic and she thinks she is too. When school had anxiety awareness week, DD came home and said that she thinks she has anxiety. We've had issues with DD in the past where she acts out or simply won't talk until she gets her own way (mainly at school) and if she has no interest in something, she will do anything she can do so she doesn't have to do it. She will also act younger to get her own way etc.

Me and DH have no idea where to start with the gender issue so, I am asking for any advice on this.

Thanks 

Just say, "Very nice dear. You're a bit young to make such a big decision at the moment, give it a couple of years and we'll talk about it again. In the meantime, I'll start thinking of suitable boy's names".

Then change the subject.

I think it’s important to ensure she feels loved, understood and supported. That doesn’t mean allowing her to change overnight, but imagine how hard it must’ve been for her to tell you that. Make sure she knows you’ve taken her seriously.

Continue to listen to her but suggest that the adult thing to do with big decisions is to sit with them for a bit before doing anything drastic. Could you support her to access counselling? It sounds like her self esteem could do with a boost if she's easily led/influenced.

My sister came out as lesbian at 16, and questioned her gender a few years later. The family all said we'd support whatever she does but that she needs to spend some years seriously thinking about her identity. She dressed like a boy anyway since a kid so there was no need for differences and we called her george befire anyway. She spent a few years just considering and told us eventually that she is happy as she is.
It was very important to know that whatever she did she was loved and supported. None of us encouraged or suggested anything further than simply thinking so hopefully a bit of time will put your daughters mind at ease about who she is.

Christ almighty. Don't do anything. Just do as the previous poster said, sound accepting, but say we'll look at it again in a few years.

I would gently question why she feels unhappy as a girl and what difference she thinks wearing ‘boy clothes’ and having a ‘boy haircut’ will make to her life.

I would also state a lot more firmly that there are really no such things as boy clothes and boy haircuts, there are clothes and hairstyles designed to appeal more to one sex than the other but what you wear or how you cut your hair doesn’t ‘make you’ the opposite sex.

At this age it’s likely she’s looking at developing an independent identity so it’s natural for her to pick up on bits and pieces that appeal to her from the experiences and role models who influence her. Could you take her for a shopping trip, take her to the hairdressers and talk through a restyle, look at lots of images on Pinterest or Instagram to show her a huge number of ways women can style themselves without conforming to a traditionally ‘female’ look? Just show an interest in supporting her to develop her own identity and be a really positive role model in breaking down the aggressive genderisation of society, show her that she is free to express herself as she chooses and that ‘becoming a boy’ is not only impossible but completely unnecessary as she can do anything she wants as a girl.