Homesickness

[JulesBA]

Hi ladies,

I desperately need some advice.

My husband and I have moved to a little village to bring up our 6 month baby.I don’t know if it’s baby blues but I’m so homesick and have no-one here.Ive moved continents.
The whole reason for moving here was with husbands job so he would be home more as his job involves a lot of travel.
This is not the case as we have now found out he’s going to be away from home more and I’m going to be stuck here with no family or no friends.He said when we moved here I’d see his family for company ( who he is now not talking to) so I have no one.
I’m finding it so hard being away from everyone and when he’s away I’m on my own with a baby with separation
Issues and it’s so hard.
When I visit my family it’s great and I get some free time to myself but I’m finding it tough being on my own with my little one 24:7 at times.He thinks me wanting friends and family is needy but I’m guessing that’s just because he never sees his.

I just don’t know what to do.He will not even discuss us moving back to my home town.

Any advice ladies would be very much appreciated.Thank you in advance xx

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, it must be so difficult for you.

Such a big thing to move, let alone to a new continent with no one familiar around.

I would re-address it with your husband and explain to him how he’s okay as he’s doing what he’s always done (work away) but for you it’s too much to be somewhere with no family or friends. You expected to spend more time with him and instead he’s working more He’s coming across as selfish, and he has to realise that it’s effecting the way you feel. I would explain all of this to him, and make it clear that you’re not prepared to live an isolated life as a young mother.

Maybe tell him he will have to work less or make amends with his family so you have some familiarity and support around you.

I think next time you go to visit family you might forget to go back. Husband is selfish and thoughtless, he's supposed to love you and want you to be happy

You are not his possession. Just tell him you will be moving 8nlesshe comes up with a different plan.

You’re right,but he just won’t listen.Im just so lonely,don’t get me wrong I love my little girl to bits but I don’t get 1 minute of me time.Im with her 24/7.I feed her,bathe her,dress her etc as he doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility to do so as he has a tough job.
He thinks I have it easy and I feel selfish for being down sometimes when he’s working so hard but it is hard.I can’t even call in for a cuppa with my family when I feel like this.He doesn’t get it and I feel I get no support.

It’s really tough and as a first time mother in a town I don’t know,without friends or family near I find it really hard.

YAnbu. Ds & I moved to my then-dp’s house when ds was 1.
Dp went to work at 7am, got home at 7pm, Friday night was his boys night, Saturday morning was his tennis with the boys.
I was completely isolated and in a midlands suburb when I was used to very rural. It was a terrible mistake and I wanted to move back, as he had promised we would if I wasn’t happy but he refused to budge. Told me I was selfish.
It brought on pnd and I lasted 11 months before I found a job back home. Once the resentment takes root and if your dh refuses to listen, I think a marriage will struggle to survive. There has to be compromise so both can be happy.

Yes there does need to be compromise.Ive moved countries with the promise of having his family there for company and that isn’t happening.
When he’s away I’m so lonely as I have no one and it’s not fair on our daughter to not have her grandparents close by as she loves being with them.When I do visit my family I’m made to feel guilty as if I’m taking our daughter away from him for a week.Its so upsetting.

Please don’t allow him to make you feel guilty. It’s not your fault. You’re entitled to see your family. That’s not right of him to make you feel guilty at all, especially as he is away most of the time working. You’ve sacrificed a lot to be there.

He really does need to understand what you do for the family unit, and what you’ve given up to be in a country with no family, and only a part time husband.

For the time being Is there any baby groups in your new town you could visit, to get to know new people or just as a distraction. Is there a nursery you could maybe put the baby in for an afternoon a week so you have at least some time to yourself.

Are you happy with your husband, apart from what’s going on at the moment is he a good husband, does he emotionally support you?

I visited my parents last week as he was away working.I got shouted at because he had to spend the weekend in the house on his own.Instead of a husband who greets you at the airport with a kiss I had a husband who raised his voice at me.He’s truly horrible to me at times and to other people.
Isn’t it funny when he’s away I’m left in a house on my own and expected to just get on with it yet he can’t even cope 2 days in the house on his own.My family won’t visit as twice he’s shouted at them and made them feel unwelcome for no reason.

I don’t like to say it. But do you think it’s a possibility that he’s got you to move to another country on the basis he wouldn’t work as much and his family, but he’s maybe known he would be working more, to isolate you from your family.

I hope it doesn’t sound far fetched, but I just don’t think he’s treating you right at all.

You deserve to be happy and to be able to have contact with your own family without feeling you’re doing something wrong. He’s incredibly selfish because you obviously are the sole care giver to your child, visiting your family gives you some relief and support for him to be stroppy because of two days alone is another level of BS.

I would really consider looking at your options. You deserve to be happily married, to have support and be able to feel you can do things without it being an ordeal.

Would you be comfortable to approach his family, or have you never had that relationship?

When you go back home for visiting family is it a big thing to plan, or can you do it simply?

The truth is he’s fallen out with his family so I can’t see them to even talk to them.
I just don’t think I can do this anymore.I don’t expect my husband to put me down so much,say I’m useless ,shout abuse at me and just be be horrible all the time.
I deserve more than this

So he doesn’t want his family to visit, or your family. And he doesn’t want you to visit them.

Maybe the fact he has spent two days on his own in the house will help him understand the issue. You can explain to him that is how you spend every week, with no hope of any change.
If he still expects you just to accept it, then I think it’s time to start planning your escape.

Without any support network at all, you are very vulnerable. Make sure you keep your & your dd’s passports well hidden. Are you in the UK? Will your parents support you in the short term?

Yes.My elderly parents have seen at first hand how he behaves.My 87 yr old father can’t hold my daughter without my husband going mad.
The reason I got screamed on Sunday was my flight was delayed 30 mins and he had to come and get me and my daughter for the airport.Ive had 2 days of hell since then.
Everyone in my family wants me home.Why is it when I visit them we all have a lovely time,when I know I have to come home I know he’s going to be in a bad mood and I’m going to get shouted at.

My husband is the type of man who starts a row then blames you for it and you end up apologising when you know you’ve done nothing wrong.

It’s no life really is it

Oh Jules, please just make sure you are safe.

Thank you Seniorschoolmum 😘
I’ve got to make a decision and stick to it this time.I can’t go through life being told I’m stupid and worthless every day.Im a really happy girl but when he starts on me I fall to pieces.Its just not fair

I wonder if its maybe time to plan a trip back home to your parents, family and friends on a one way ticket.

It’s no way to treat your parents, at any age but especially at the age that they’re at. You should be fully able to spend as much time with them and not have to deal with the nastiness of your husband.

You can have a fully enjoyable life, if he is the drain then I think you know what to do ❤️.

Thank you BF888.Everyone tells me to do it,but I’m probably scared to start out all over again.He has zapped my confidence so much that when I look in the mirror I hate myself.

I’m so sorry that you feel like that. Please think of all the great things that you thought of yourself when you felt you had confidence, and completely know that you still have those traits.

Look at how much strength you have! That’s something to be so proud of. Although it would be hard initially, you have a future for yourself and baby.

There are things I’m sure you would love to do, and will be able to do, whilst living feeling like you have freedom.

It sounds like you’re already having a difficult time. It would be difficult to leave and to move back home, but you would have all the support from your family and friends that would really help you get through it. It’s a big decision to make, but look at it as an investment for you and your baby.

Most importantly remember you really have a right and deserve to be a confident, happy woman, who has a partner who adores you for who you are, and a partner who will only ever want the best for you. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t give you that. You’re not in your marriage to be in your husbands shadow, and to only do as he wishes. 💕

Thank you BF888 for all your kind words.Your message had made me feel a lot better today 🥰

Move home. I say that in the kindest way.

You’re so welcome! I hope things get better for you with whatever decision you make 😘