Would you report this family to SS?

[gendercritter]

A friend of mine has a brother whose home life seems pretty unhappy. I have met this man a few times through my friend and he is deeply unpleasant (he is most likely a narcissist tbh. Sleeping around outside the marriage, very egotistical, gets bored easily, seems to have a cruel streak. Highly charming. I could go on).

Over time I've realised that this man's children are witnessing a fair amount of rage on his part - he gets very angry according to my friend. They are living in fairly squalid conditions (I'm sure there are much messier houses out there but his is persistently messy and things don't get cleaned at all it seems.) The parents smoke a lot of weed but I wouldn't be surprised if harder drugs were being used (but equally I have no evidence of that). There are also friends staying on a regular basis who smoke a lot of weed too. The children can be frightened of the dad from what my friend has said (they are 6 and 3) but equally it seems he can be very hands on and loving on good days.

I definitely don't think these children can come out of this environment unscathed but I don't know whether to report them on the basis that so many children experience far worse and SS is very stretched. The family are an affluent, educated family and I wonder how seriously SS would take my report as a result. As I said, the dad can be extremely charming when he wants to be. People are very dazzled on first meeting him.

I just still find myself sitting here feeling very uneasy about the life the children are having. I just saw my friend today and it's this continuous dripfeed of sad info. My friend would acknowledge his brother gets things wrong but I think the brothers grew up with an angry father and so this is all normal to him. There must be so many families out there like this where there perhaps isn't a lot any outsider can do but it's so damaging for the children.

Would you report them? Maybe I'm wrong in thinking nothing can be done?

You can call the NSPCC and talk to them for confidential advice. Better to act that not act.

It's not really your concern whether something can be done. If in doubt, call the NSPCC as advised, or SS. The latter may have other info on the family from other sources and having multiple reports can help them. Trust your instincts.

Thank you. Yes, I think it's best to make a report and then let them decide.

It's genuinely helpful to ask as it feels like quite a big deal reporting someone but it's much better to be safe than sorry isn't it? I suppose I've been carrying around preconceptions both that SS only help deprived families and that a degree of low level abuse is normal, thanks to my own childhood. I hope SS can help in some way even if their investigating just shocked the family into making some changes.

Yes. You are not reporting a family. You are reporting concerns about the child. Ss will decide very swiftly if this requires investigating by them or not. SS are able to access all the information and are trained to make decisions about protecting and supporting children.

I think it would be better to get your friend to do the reporting. You only have second hand knowledge whereas she has seen it first hand.

My friend (male) isn't going to do so though just because it's his brother. Ringing SS is a step beyond him I think as much as I do know he's concerned. And tbh yes I do question my friendship with him given he's turning a bit of a blind eye but then sibling relationships can be hugely complicated and as I said he's grown up with a very angry dad himself and I don't know how much he can really see just how damaging an environment his brother's home is.

Yes, please report. This is just the sort of situation which needs reporting - where their background, affluence, the charming father etc would lead people to not suspect the reality of what is going on. People (professionals included) sometimes only see what they want to see, and hopefully this will be the first step in the family getting the support they need.

Thank you. I definitely feel better about doing so now.

I was thinking about my preferred outcome would be in terms of reporting them (not that I'd find out what happens) and it's really just as simple as SS (firmly) encouraging them to provide a clean home, get the dad to address his temper, if that is possible, and have them take much more care with the drugs and partying because that will be putting them at risk right now. It would improve the childrens' lives a fair bit to get help with those issues. I think it's absolutely unlikely they'd be considered as candidates for removam from their parents and I'd like to think they're capable of being much better parents if they're nudged in that direction so hopefully it would only be a positive step to take on my part. Isn't it funny how hard it is doing something like this? I'd be advising anyone else to report just on the basis it's better to be safe than sorry.