Help - aggressive 10 yo

[Blinkingblimey]

Sorry, posting in chat as I’ve posted before on the parenting section but never had much response. Dd is 10 and, as far as she is concerned is very hard done by - nothing is ever enough/fair & she moans at every little thing that she doesn’t get or isn’t to her liking. When she misbehaves and is given a consequence she has the most almighty tantrums and has now started to become physically aggressive with me. Ie If I have said no tv and she has turned it on I will go to turn it off and she will shove and occasionally hit out at me. If the consequence is an early night she’ll just stand and scream and point blank refuse to move or just slam her door over and over (& into me if I try to stand in the way of it). Obviously it’s worse when she’s tired but I can’t let it slide without a consequence. I have sat and spoken with her so regularly about how unacceptable it is and she says sorry and she’ll stop but it never lasts long (24 hours is the latest). She is NT (as far as we’re aware - no major signs she isn’t!), very bright and enthusiastic at school, does lots of sports and has some friends (but does struggle a bit with this), she craves constant attention. We have two other children who do not behave in this way so I don’t think our parenting is completely to blame. Can anyone offer advice? Has anyone been in a similar boat and found tactics that help? Thanks in advance!

I could practically have written your post. My dd has a 9 year sister and a 5 year old brother. They both have autism (though her sister would be described as high functioning). My dd is very nearly ten and gone is the sunny kid to be replaced by a very narky and grumpy nearly 10 year old. I’ve not been hit but she’s very very rude. I’m at a loss to be honest on what to do with her. The other day she told me she was unhappy because I was fat. Every question is met with an eye roll. She’s struggling a bit in maths and is finding school and friendships quite tough but school aren’t flagging anything. She’s a miserable piece at the moment though. She gets a lot of attention, we aren’t massively strict but do demand respect but appreciate she has siblings with additional needs.

No advice but lots of sympathy.

I know it won't get a good response on here but at that age I would smack her backside and slamming of doors would result in her not having one. I had to make do with a curtain as a teenager after one too many slammed doors and I certainly wouldn't dare hit my mother as she would have knocked me into next week! Perhaps time to teach her a life lesson that hitting people will eventually result in getting hit back. You get treated the way you treat others.

Thank you KateGrey, it’s nice not to feel entirely alone! Thesnap I have considered taking the door off it’s hinges and may well do this to make a point (though the ensuing tantrum it will create fills me with horror😬). I will prob not employ your other recommendation as I’m ideally looking for ideas that aren’t going to end up with a SS intervention.

Can you try to give the bad behaviour as little attention as possible. So when a tantrum starts completely ignore her and start cleaning out a drawer or lock yourself in the bathroom so you are not tempted to talk to her.
Then when she calms down continue as if nothing has happened.
When times are good give her lots of good attention and individual time.
I am not a great adherent of constant punishments as it just ups the anti and causes trouble all round. When she screams and roars look at her and act like..are you for real and go on with your life. Do not engage or get into a big argument as then she is winning.
Often recommended here: How to talk so your children will listen..is a good book to help in those situations.