What do you do if your child's class is just filled with constant low-level bullying?

[CrookedMe]

DD has never had a great year group (she's 8) and I'm starting to become more and more concerned with where it's all headed.

There don't seem to be any settled friendship groups, just constant swapping of friends, 'you can't be friends with her if you're friend with me' type crap, and DD''s perception is that it's always her on the receiving end.

I'm reasonably sure that's just her young understanding of how things work, and try to let her know that pretty much everyone feels as she does at some point, ie left out, on the edge of things, hurt etc.

But how do I get her through this with her self esteem intact? She does go to groups outside of school where she had made a few other friends which is good for her and her confidence but still - school is all-consuming at 8 isn't it?

We've got a book about dealing with tricky friendships and we do talk a lot. But is there a point I should call time and think about another school maybe? When there was a serious bullying issue last year the Head dealt with it by talking to DD and the bullies together so I'm not convinced DD was as open as she'd have been if she knew her worries were confidential. I'm not sure since then that I have full confidence in the school.

Do we just all have to toughen up, and tough it out until high school?

What does dd want to do? Moving schools is quite an intimidating prospect for most. If she’d choose to move, that’d suggest she finds the current situation even more intimidating, and if that’s the case, given the history and that it’s not just a recent development, I’d look at alternative schools.

Hmm good point. We're moving house soon and she swears blind she's not moving schools. So I guess the status quo is less worrying than a new school. That's useful to think about, thank you.

Is it a one form entry school? If not, do they mix the classes up at any point?

I moved mine

Ask to talk to your school's pastoral lead. My DD8's peer group has been tricky from the get-go - higher than usual number of children with extra needs and 1-2-1 support, inconsistent/repeat year teachers due to illness/mat leave, and at least four children left the area last year which threw all the existing friendship groups into chaos. Plus she's a funny little bean herself on top of that. I also work in the same school (not in that class regularly, though), so I see the interplay more than most parents would.

Our pastoral lead runs regular "friendship skills" sessions for small groups, DD is just about to start one (big sis did them a few years ago when her Y6 class were having issues). I'm hoping that'll help things settle down, and I've already talked to the PL about DD's possible difficulties making friends. Do you have any concerns on that front? I find mine is great at making friendships with children a bit older (particularly those who are a little on the "young" side in their play), and that she's a good leader for younger children in her out-of-school activities. She just can't seem to figure out her classmates at all; and it doesn't help that some of the girls are pretty much glued together outside school because their mums are friends. There isn't a bullying issue, but I understand the rest of your discomfort. Moving schools is tricky and I wouldn't consider it myself but it depends on your faith in the school to help.

I don't know if that's any help...you're doing the right thing by encouraging friendships outside school. DD13 found this tremendously helpful when she transferred to high school as she had lots of people she could say hi to that she'd known for years. It was still the usual slightly bumpy settling into Y7, of course, but it did help. DD8 knows a lot of those same kids will be looking out for her so she'll have that as well as her age-peers from sports. I'm really hoping she "finds her tribe" at high school, but as I say, she's a funny bean and I think the friendship talks are things we're going to be having for many years.

Yup we have the same with my ds it has unfortunately hit its peak in year 6 and I wish I'd moved him in hindsight. Having said that though it could be a case of better the devil you know!
We have specifically chosen a high school which is not the feeder high school for a fresh start fingers crossed that works. I often found though that as we are a close family and talk alot and I collect them each day I got alot of the "this happened then this, he said this, they said that" by the time they see their dad at 6 and he said how was your day "yeah fine" so perhaps your dd is just quite secure using you as a sound board like my ds does? My ds never says he doesn't want to go to school so I think that's a fair indication that it's perhaps less dramatic than made out.
I am however aware I need grounding on this issue as I had a lot of friendship issues at school so struggle with my kids having friendship issues as I see them as much bigger issues than they perhaps are.

Now is an ideal time to move, and speaking as a teacher and I have a dd the same age. I would say take her for a visit of another school or even two. Show her there are other options and then see what she says.

The thing that concerns me is the fact it isn't a new thing, the year group has always been tricky, that isn't going to change. As adults we tend to 'wait and see' but 1 year to us isn't that long, but it is a significant length of time, and more importantly educational time.

My main advice is go and explore and get more options.

Good grief my grammar and sentence structure is appalling in that last post! Apologies.

Thanks everyone, I am reading, just thinking (and making the tea and helping DD with a PowerPoint presentation about bullying she's making 🙄). Keep your thoughts coming!

I moved mine.

Just had a chat with the kids over tea and DD says she'd rather deal with it than move and possibly face the same elsewhere.

Argh. You wish you could live it instead of them don't you?

Have you had a chat with the form teacher about the class dynamic and whether DD does seem to be particularly on the receiving end? Not to dismiss her concerns, clearly she’s not happy, but there’s a different approach depending on whether she is being especially targeted vs whether it’s a more generally unhealthy and over cliquey year group.

I've had a couple of chats with the teacher but she says nothing takes place actually in the class. Although that's not the case because some of the bullying has been girls sitting behind her at story time and whispering that DD is ugly and gross

Her remedy was to put a worry box in the class

I think I'll have to go and speak with the Head or Depute. I'm not hugely convinced by either of them, culturally the school just seems to have this low-level bullying, sniping atmosphere about it.

The other school locally is out of our village and would cause real logistical difficulties. Plus they'd all feed into the same high school anyway (which I wouldn't change because the high school is excellent).

Thanks @minipie can I ask what you mean, about the two different approaches? That's what I'm unsure of, if it's endemic or targeted, but either way I'm not sure I know quite what I'm doing.

We do loads of growth mindset/ rebel girl confidence type stuff, whether it helps to counterbalance the rest of it is definitely in question.

I’m no expert but would feel more inclined to move her if it’s targeted ... mind you that’s not to say I wouldn’t move her if it’s “just” the culture, it would really depend on whether I saw the teachers were making efforts to change the culture.

Yes that's a good point @minipie thank you x

My school was like this. It sounds as though they are a bit in denial about their bullying problem.

Before you speak to the head or deputy, keep a diary of what’s going on. It’s quite hard to deny an actual record.

A girl in my school moved in primary because she was being bullied, and we all ended up in the same secondary school together. By then she had a core group of decent friends and while some of the madams in my class were planning to take up where they left off, they weren’t as confident at all once they realized that other people didn’t share their opinion of her. It all worked out well, and she was one of the popular and respected girls in the senior years.

We moved at end of year 4. It literally changed dd3s life. She is now in year 6 with a group of 6 nice friends and looking forward to secondary.

My dds year group were like this. She was never on the receiving end but stuck in the middle being told who she could or couldn't play with. Sometimes everything would be fine in class, they would go out to play and no one would let her join in. They would go back in class and all would be fine again. I raised it with teacher after teacher, year after year and it never got any better. They talked about it in circle time but I don't think the kids recognised the behaviour in themselves. I taught netball after school and the drama around getting in pairs or teams was crazy. They were planning who would be with who throughout the day. In the end I moved her in year 5 as she was always stressing about it. It was the best thing I could have done. She fitted in straight away. It was like a breath of fresh air. She is still friends with some of them now and she's in yr 11. She's in secondary with the kids from both schools and the same kids are still having the same old friendship dramas.

I think it really sounds like the school are reticent to use the word bullying or think that girls can’t really bully.

I would take or ask for a copy of their policy on bullying and pull those responsible for it up on it.

Personally, I would be minded to keep her where she is - there is no guarantee that the other options will improve the situation.

Thanks for the advice guys. I think the bullying policy is a good shout. I'm so reluctant to go in shouting 'bullying' when I think it's just a big conglomerate of wee shites stuck together really but you're right, they are not properly in touch with the reality of what goes on in the playground at all.

I would move her - very difficult to change a culture! Also I would worry less about everyone feeding into the same secondary school.

We had a similar situation, moved our child and by the time they were all in secondary the dynamic had changed totally.

Your Dd may not necessarily know what's best for her at her age - our child was adamant that we were ruining his life, but now acknowledges how beneficial it was to move.

Horrible situation for you all

It's blatant bullying! So many schools are reluctant to use the 'b' word, to avoid having to implement their bullying procedures.

Have just been talking with another mum who is similarly annoyed. It seems that the class in question is uniquely bad, her younger daughter is in a lovely class.

Don't know if that makes it better or worse really.