Telling dd that her gm has cancer

[icantthinkofamnusername]

Pretty much that. My DM has found out today that she has breast cancer. It’s been caught early and it’s now waiting to see if they want to do chemo and then surgery or the other way round.

However I can’t keep this from dd1 who’s 9 and I don’t want to. She’ll pick up on it quick enough and she’ll want to know why Nan is in hospital etc. I know there’s no way I can tell her today as I’m a wreck, the sensible side of me knows that it’s been caught early etc but the inner child in me wants to cry, scream and shout.

I don’t even know where to start. She has such a bond with my dm so it’s gonna be very hard on her. My parents are telling me to wait a bit but I don’t think it’s fair on her.

I’ve got dd2 who’s 3. And again don’t know how to tell her. I know she won’t completely understand whats happening. But it wouldn’t be fair to not explain that her Nan is poorly. I know her response will be give Nan calpol and maybe that’s how I can explain it to her.

My parents live a a fair distance away so it could be possible that my dm will be having treatment by the next time we go up there so I don’t really want it to surprise.

I just feel a bit lost today a need some advice of how to tell them.

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. First off, have you asked your parents why they want you to wait a bit? How long is a bit?

I had to tell my three, I waited until I was calmer about it and then sat down with them in the lounge and explained that DGM wasn't very well but that the doctors knew what was wrong and were treating it. It was a different cancer to the one your Mum has. I just answered their questions as they came up. I didn't tell them immediately as one was in the middle of exams so I waited until they were over.

Thank you

They didn’t say. But I did tell them that I couldn’t have whispered conversations at home with dd around as then she’d think I was hiding something. Which I would be.

I am tempted to hold out till Saturday morning as then we have the whole weekend to go over it and process it together as the 3 of us.

Sorry to hear about your DM

If your DM is telling you to wait a bit before telling them, I think that's fair enough. It will give you time to get your thoughts together and prepare how you want to tell them.

I would not leave it too long, though. If you are upset about it, the dc will pick up on those feelings. It's better to be honest, so they feel they can talk to you. Kids can imagine all sorts of things. It's better for them to be able to talk openly about the reality of the situation, even if it's difficult.

When my friend had cancer, I said to my dd "You know how XX hasn't been feeling well, it turns out she has lung cancer. Do you know what that is?" Then I answered her questions honestly.

Macmillan have a page on their website about this www.macmillan.org.uk/information-and-support/coping/talking-about-cancer/talking-to-children I found it useful when I was trying to figure out how to tell dd.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum, OP.

I would wait until you feel ready to deal with your DD's reaction - first things first is to look after yourself. No harm will come from waiting a little while - and depending on your DD's nature it might be better to wait until there are some concrete facts to give her.

The Macmillan leaflet linked above is really good. We had to tell DS when he was 17 that his dad had incurable lung cancer, and it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do (although this week finding out it had spread to his brain was worse). We have been completely honest with him, because he needs to know what is likely to happen, but it's different in that DS is living at home with us ands is DH's full time carer, whereas your mum is a distance away. It may be kinder to leave it the harder details for your dd given her age, but be factual about the type of cancer, the treatment plan, and let her know it's ok to be upset, scared or angry.

Doing it at the weekend would be best I think.

I told my dds when we knew what my treatment plan would be - that way we could stick to the facts and then explore what it would mean. I would also let school know.
Sorry this has happened to your family xxx

We told DS about my breast cancer straight away as we didn't think we could hide the worry. I didn't mention chemotherapy as that seemed too much (he was 4). I got given an excellent book called "Mummy's Lump".

I'd say do it as soon as you have time for a proper chat.

Thanks all. I’ve decided to wait till Saturday morning, I don’t want to ruin her first night back to one of her clubs tomorrow. Gives me time to read the Macmillan stuff too.

I’ve told her dad just so he’s got the heads up that we’ll be having the chat as she’s supposed to be seeing him Sunday. He was really supportive about it.

Sorry to hear about your mum. I told my children 6 years ago when I was diagnosed with BC they were 7,9 and 11. The 7 and 9 year old didn't really understand but children are very resilient. It's usually adults who find it all very hard. When they hear the word cancer they usually think it's the end and that's not always the case. I hope all goes well good luck

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners really sorry about your Dh. Totally shit.

We had to tell our children about both GMs having cancer. They were almost 4 and almost 7 when my Mum was diagnosed, and then 11 and 8 when my MIL was diagnosed.

We just said they were poorly inside and the medicines can sometimes make them sleepy and they may lose their hair.

Sadly neither of them lived a year after diagnosis. We told them that sometimes doctors can't fix everything. It is best just to be honest.

It can open up the whole will you die Mummy question which is a lot more difficult.

very sorry to hear about your Mum. Definitely let school know.