I think my DD is grieving and I dont know how to help!!

[Lanny81]

Hi all,
Bit of a sensitive subject so please bare with me...
Ok so my DD (16) was in an on off relationship with a boy from being about 14. I didnt know it had been going on for so long although I did know they were seeing each other but thought it was only for 6 months or something but probably because they were so on and off and she had had the odd little boyfriend besides.
In Dec 2017 they were going to start over properly but tragically he got killed in a road traffic accident on the same day he had told my DD that he wanted to be with her and he loved her 😢. I didnt know all this until today!!
At the time of his passing, I never saw her cry, ever. Whether she cried to her friends Im not sure but im guessing she may have.
Obviously I knew how much she loved this boy as he was her first proper crush but in the past year since his death shes hardly mentioned him.
Fast forward to October last year (2018) and she meets another boy, first boy shes really liked since. They thought a lot of each other but its not worked out, they've gone their separate ways and shes heartbroken. But hes still messaging her. Been trying to give her space and she wont speak to me about it when were in the house, but when we go anywhere in the car she opens up so i took her to do a bit of window shopping and it all came out...apparently the boy shes been seeing recently is like her ex boyfriend reincarnated.EVERYTHING about them is the same..the humor, personality, some features etc. Tbh i think its scared her how similar they are! Turns out this boy and her ex were quite good friends but she didnt even know and he even mentioned that her ex spoke really highly of her. Weird!
She then went on to admit that when shes really upset (which isnt very often) she messages her ex boyfriend on snapchat just to talk to him. She hasnt done it loads, only about 3 times in the past year.
She said she doesnt want people to know because shes scared people will think shes crazy...shes far from it. I honestly think shes grieving but if she is its only just hit her. She told one of her male friends that she doesnt know if shes been crying over her recent heartbreak or her ex because they are SO similar.
When she told me all this I felt so choked up for her i nearly cried. I really dont know how to help her though.
When she was on and off with her ex, she wouldnt settle with anyone else, she would try but she would never be able to move on and they always got back together so we used to joke that she would always look for a part of him in any other boy she met. But its not a joke now. She cant keep going on like this bless her.
This new boy and the recent split is doing her no good at all because she feels like shes losing her ex all over again.
What the hell do i do??
Help!!

Tell her delayed grieving is normal, emotional confusion is normal and she will process it in her own time but the only thing that can genuinely help is talking about it. Let her know she can talk to you. That can be anything from just saying she's struggling and needs a hug to light hearted memories said with a smile and everything in between. Let her know she can mention his name and don't be afraid to mention it yourself. Feeling sadness is a sign of her feelings for him and over time it'll hurt less but it'll strike unexpectedly and that's okay and normal.

I waa thinking the same about the delayed grieving tbh as it was a year on 24th Dec since she lost her ex. Not sure if i should actually call him her ex because they were so on and off and as far as i was aware she hadnt had any contact with him for a while but obviously she had but hadnt told me. I think they were messaging but hadnt actually seen each other.
This new boy is him to a T. Everything aboyt them is the same..same clothing style, quirky ways, cheekiness etc. So she thought she had found her ex in this boy and has now lost him all over again. Its so sad. Its scared her how alike they were I think.
Ive told her ill give her all the space she needs, but im here to talk anytime, but all she does is clam up. She mentions the more recent boy all the time but just as shes about to open up she says she doesnt want to talk about it. But she needs to. She hates showing her emotions but im scared that unless she starts to, she will never be able to move on. These 2 boys are so similar even to the point of them being on and off with her. Its crazy and scary.
Theres been other boys every now and then when shes been trying to move on but they arent her ex and thats what im scared of for her. Its like shes looking for a bit of her ex in every boy she meets but when she doesnt find it she puts a wall up and it never lasts long. But shes found him in the recent one and subsequently shes now heartbroken again.
She was so upset the other day that she messaged her ex just to to talk to him, she told him about this recent lad and within an hour the recent lad had messaged her saying how sorry he was and that he does love her but hes got too much going on in his life right now and its not fair on her cos hes been an idiot. Its crazily scary.
But its like history repeating.

My DS’s “first love/crush” was killed in a freak accident he was 16 (over 5 years ago). He was devastated he isn’t afraid of showing his emotions but it still had a very serious and significant impact on him, his school work, his view on life in general, he refused to plan any thing for the future what was the point, and. all relationships he’s had since. I knew he was grieving and we have an excellent relationship and can talk about anything and at various times with my encouragement he went for help (which is exceedingly difficult to find) with out any success until last year when he off his own bat he contacted Cruise and they put him in contact with a very highly trained therapist who specialised in bereaved adolescents he was finally ready to seek help and had to the emotional strength to talk about it. With help he’s turned a corner although he will never be the same person.
The one thing I have learnt is don’t underestimate the impact of loosing a friend on a teenager: it totally rocks their foundations and turns their lives upside down. I at times wanted to shout at him and say for God sake don’t ruin everything because of this (but never did). But I’m also proud that my DS can openly talk about his feeling, the relationship he had and the good times and also emphasise with others having been through so much he has emerged a genuinely kind caring person.
Bereavement counselling for teenagers who haven’t lost a parent or sibling is difficult to find and does require very specialised input not just a well meaning but untrained in this area and or inexperienced counsellor/therapist.
PM if you want too.

Omg this story is so sad!
Firstly I want to say that your daughter is a very strong girl!
The whole story is heartbreaking and especially to go through this at her age.
I feel so sorry for her. I think she will always try and find a piece of him in someone else. That's normal and probably is the only thing that gives her some happiness/comfort.
I would take her to the doctors to be ref to a therapist as she might open up to someone that doesn't know her?