Would you ever advise your dc to break up with their partner?

[neumanne]

My ds (19) has been going out with a girl who is two years older than him for 2 years. They live far away from one another and go to different universities. She is a lovely girl, and her family seem nice.

Ds revealed to me that she cheated on him during their first holiday together abroad, after she found out she had an STI and so he ought to get tested. He’s always had suspicions and doesn’t know whether to believe it was a one off, but he has forgiven her. He says he finds it convenient having a girlfriend who he can go and stay with and escape university every few weeks, and that he does love her but not as much as he did, it’s more out of convenience. He gets very stressed with the distance.

Where he is at university, a few have apparently shown interest in him and gf gets furiously protective, forgetting she was who cheated. They seem to have different life ambitions re children, careers etc, she isn’t very driven.

would you ever consider suggesting to your child to split up with their partner? I just don’t want him to settle, there are plenty like her out there, and frankly he could get a much wealthier, more intelligent and driven girl at his current university —sorry Jewish mum in me—

I wouldn't actually say "you should split up" unless the partner was actually abusive, but I suppose I might say "Is the relationship giving you what you want?".

Is wealth that important? Surely most university students aren't independently wealthy, but presumably most will have the opportunity to be financially stable later in life.

Not sure what money has to do with it. I would not interfere, we have had to sit on our hands a few times with past girlfriends of our sons, which was the wisest thing to do. Your son needs to sort his own life out. It is hard and their hearts were broken but it all evened out and they both married lovely young women.

My parents would never offer an opinion on my relationships and I really wish they had. I was young and needed advice and to talk things through.

Well I was with you until ‘wealthier’.

I was with you until this, maybe if you can elaborate on this
Where he is at university, a few have apparently shown interest in him and gf gets furiously protective, forgetting she was who cheated. They seem to have different life ambitions re children, careers etc, she isn’t very driven

So how does she know some have "shown an interest"?
Has he told her so? I think if my partner told me this I would feel crappy too

Then unfortunately, this bit is so far away from the way I see the world that I can't advise you
I just don’t want him to settle, there are plenty like her out there, and frankly he could get a much wealthier, more intelligent and driven girl at his current university
Wealthier?
More intelligent?
I was hoping for kind, fun, honest, hard working...

I think my tactic would be to button it and let them make their own minds up. I would always try and be supportive if they needed to make an escape. I will always try to be someone to talk to about things but instead of putting my oar in I'd rather steer the conversation so they came to their own conclusions. If you slag their partner off or their ex it can get awkward if they get back together or stay together.

Me, too, @retainertrainer - I was all with the OP until she said "wealthier"!

I'd just say, "You're very young to make a big decision about who to be with. There are tons of girls at university and if I were you I'd set myself free and go out with lots of girls until I found someone I could really trust." It's likely it'll end anyway - chances are he'll cop off with someone soon and end it with his girlfriend.

If I'd spoken to him at the time she was unfaithful I would have said, "If someone can behave like that right at the beginning, when everything is meant to be fantastic, then god knows what they'll do when things get tough."

No, don't "advise". Your DS is an adult and needs to figure this out for himself. If not now, then when? It sounds as if the relationship will soon end anyway.

Most of us have gone out with Mr/Ms Unsuitable as young adults. We learn about how we wish to be treated and what we're looking for in the long term.

Your DS might find someone "wealthy and driven" but equally that may not be best for him. He might meet someone who has a less ambitious outlook, and isn't particularly well off, yet is kind and just right for him. He needs to figure this out for himself.

If he brings up the topic, listen and occasionally ask questions, general things such as what priorities he has for a relationship, or if he sees them still a couple in 5-10 years, but do not judge the answers.

'Wealthier and more driven'??!

I'd advise my dc to break up with their partner if they asked for my advice and I thought the partner was not a kind, supportive, loving partner. I would only give unsolicited advice if my dc were obviously very unhappy or in an abusive relationship.

I have. DS, at 19 was involved with an awful girl who behaved appallingly towards him. He asked my opinion and I had no hesitation in telling him to get rid. I would have told him this whether he asked or not tbh.
I think that in life you can rely on very few people to tell you the absolute truth and have your best interests at heart - your mum should be one of them!

I would always offer advise! Who doesn't in real life with their children . My parents still do to me.

If my parents had tried to tell me who to see or not at that age, it wouldn't have gone down well Over 18s dont benefit from helicopter parenting.

Mine seems to have turned out alright though.
I don't think you can make someone end a relationship that they don't want to, like you can't make someone give up smoking. But you can reinforce what they already know to be the truth - that a relationship isn't healthy or making them happy. As a parent, I think you owe your kids an honest opinion. I wouldn't lie to mine if I felt they were doing something harmful.

I stoppped at the wealthier part, ugh

We also took the road, the new girl that walks through that door could be the one and if we make waves we could lose our sons.

I would not want my kids with a cheater, or anybody who made them unhappy or ill. Hopefully they will work things out or break up. Just be there for your son.

Most couples on vacation are enjoying each other, her cheating on him sounds bizarre. How in the world does that even happen?

much wealthier? really?

She means from a wealthy family. Teens / early 20’s at university aren’t wealthy but their mum & dad might be

Unpleasant!

Your post was fine until the last sentence.

I have a ds off to uni in the autumn. I wouldn't tell him to break up with his gf but I'd be telling him that now is the time to be following your heart and enjoying passionate care free relationships. It's ok to have grown apart or be friends and while breaking up is hard, it doesn't make you a bad person for breaking up with someone.