Your adult child 'discloses' childhood sexual abuse - what would your reaction be?

[ConstantlyFireFighting]

Just that really.

My mother's reaction was simply 'well you need to put it behind you now'.

Sort of puts her neglectful parenting into focus.

What would a 'normal' response in this situation be?

Ideally, "I believe you" then to protect children from him if he's still around.

The complete opposite to your mothers.

I’m so sorry op. Do you have any one else in rl that can support you?
Is the abuser still in your life?

The opposite of what your M said. I'm so sorry, I hope you have support for this

@ConstantlyFireFighting.

Firstly, I am sorry that you had to go through this, as someone with first hand experience, of CSA by 2 different people at different stages of my life, I completely understand how this makes you feel.

Secondly, being able to open up to your Mother is a really big deal.
OK so the first one Mum found out whilst it was happening and was dealt with. the second, happened when I was 6yrs - 10yrs, I did not tell Mum until I was 21!
My Mother and I, never had the best relationship at all, so it was really hard to get the courage to tell her, as without her support, I was never going to be able to bring him to justice.
fortunately, she was very supportive and whilst it may have come as a shock, she never ever doubted anything, nor told me to forget about it. In fact, when I told her that I had gone to the police, her words were simply, "good".

I am sorry that you Mother has reacted in this way, I do not know who that person was in your life whist he was SA you, but it could be her way of trying to not become attached to the situation, due to now finding out and knowing that she was not there at the time to protect you.

If you want to try again with your Mother, perhaps you can write her a letter, telling her what happened, (not exactly what happened, but the outlines), how the past made you feel and if you are intending on doing something about it now and tell her that you would like her support, as she is your mother and remind her (dependant on who this person was) that she is not to blame.

SA affects people in different ways and neither are predictable.

I hope that this made sense and I really hop that you can find peace with your Mother as well as get some closure on the terrible experience that you had to endure as a child.

x

Sorry to hear that your mum has let you down OP. I had similar from my parents regarding a sexual assault when I was a pre-teen (by a man outside of family life). It made me feel very confused and drove a wedge between us when they dismissed my revelation as an adult.

In their defence, I can only think (hope) that it was their way of minimising (their) bad feelings by basically not thinking about what I’d said in any detail. And absolving themselves of any responsibility for me being exposed to the perpetrator, even though it wasn’t their fault. My parents are not very emotionally literate.

I’m not sure what a normal/healthy reaction to such a revelation would be, sorry. I like to think that I would be a supportive listener, and take my DC’s lead if they ever disclosed something like this to me.

I think a ‘normal’ reaction might be initial shock followed by lots of tears and talking
Then a discussion on how the victim wants to proceed I.e if they want to go to the police or seek counselling
As well as a plan on how to protect any current children who may be at risk
Op I’m sorry that your own mother wasn’t more sensitive

I'd be shocked and wonder how in hell I hadn't seen/guessed something was going on. What an awful response OP. There'd be lots of tears and talking here.

Sorry to hear of your mother's reaction.

I was about 12 when I reached out to my mother to tell her. She said "OK darling off you go" and that was that so I really do know how you feel.

I would be deeply upset if my child disclosed that to me and would do whatever I can to support my child, however they needed. Although I know everybody reacts differently.

I second a PP, I hope you have some support in RL?

Oh OP, I’m so sorry not the reaction you want when trying to open up. Do you have access to counselling services?

A lot more empathetic than that! Do you really think she grasped the situation - there seems to be a bit of a generational divide on what constitutes abuse and how it should be dealt with (swept under the carpet was the traditional response!). The other thought was just she really believe you? I can't understand why a mother would not support their dd, but then from being on here I've heard so many dysfunctional relationships

My mum's was to cry inconsolably and make it about her. I feel your pain OP

Could your dm have been in shock? I’m so sorry that your dm reacted like that, I can’t imagine it and I have a ‘complicated’ relationship with my dm. Is the abuser still in your/ your dm’s life?

I'm sorry that you have had to deal with this.

It's hard to imagine and I don't know if there's a 'normal' reaction. Your mums reaction was wrong though.

I would want to kill the person that did it. I would support my child in any way they wanted to go forward. I would encourage them to report it to the police. I would just be there.

I hope you are ok and you have someone to talk to. Can you report the person who did it?

If it was you that suffered the abuse you are referring to in your forum post, then I am sorry to hear this happened to you. I imagine that something like this must feel incredibly difficult to come to terms with. On the other hand, it is positive that you have felt able to open up to someone, even if the response was not what you would have expected. No one can speak on your mother’s behalf, but from my experience (I work on a helpline for those who have been affected by child sexual abuse), parents often find it incredibly difficult to express their emotions in response to hearing something like this, and they are often ashamed that they failed to protect you from the abuse. With time, it may be that your mother is able to talk about it further with you; although I recognise that this might help how you’re feeling right now about the abuse and about how your mother responded to you. You haven’t said who the abuser is, but if you or your mother still has contact with him then it is important that he is not able to have access with any other children unsupervised as he could be harming them too.

Shock, a massive hug and 'I wish you'd felt able to tell me sooner so I could have protected you'

My mother did the same as yours. She's still married and living with my abuser though so a bit hard to put in the past!

My mother has dementia so I can't guage her reaction, however a recent disclosure to my brother resulted in him and his wife going no contact with me after accusing me of putting his daughter at risk by not speaking out.

I was 7.

I'm now 42. That's how long it took to tell someone.

I wish I hadn't.

And fwiw niece wasn't abused, they asked her and still cut contact with me.

Overtheborder, I remember your thread. I'm so sorry they reacted that way. I hope that at some stage, if you wish it, that things will be worked out with your brother and his family.

As to the original question, my reaction would not be 'if only the town had had prostitutes, this wouldn't have happened'. . . which, from personal experience, was a fairly devastating reaction.

I'd probably be in shock, wonder why she hadn't felt she could tell me, I'd be furious with myself for not noticing and probably want to stab the cunt. After that bit settled down, I'd let her talk about what she felt like talking about, would ask if she was getting therapy now, whether she wanted to go to Police, whether I could do anything, what help/support would she like from me. I'd be so angry with myself for allowing it to happen. I think I would cry a lot to know that her childhood was robbed. I'd try my best not to force conversation. I would not tell her to just bury it under the carpet. I'm not sure whether I'd be much use to her apart from just being her Mum. I would feel like a complete failure as a Mum though and probably need to talk to someone myself so that I was best placed to help her, rather than letting my shock be something she'd have to carry.

Shock, horror and extreme guilt. But I know if I disclosed something to my own mother she would expect me to 'get over it' even though I know she loves me.

Thanks @msbosnz

I'm sorry for anyone who received a less than supportive response when they've disclosed abuse.