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Original poster

Trapped by family life - advice please

24 replies

VTechnophobe · 09/01/2019 08:28

A family member has asked me for advice. He has 2 children with his DP and the first was conceived after she stopped the pill in secret. He feels he was tricked into having a baby and now feels trapped. He was v young at the time and turned down an opportunity to travel with work overseas for a year as his DP didn't want to leave her hometown. All this has led to simmering resentment which seems to have come to a head and he is crushed by the thought of years of their current existence but he doesn't want to break up the family.
I don't know what advice to give as obviously feel he deserves happiness but equally the children are his responsibility too so leaving won't open up this world of opportunities he feels he's missed our on as he'll still need to put their needs ahead of his which is going to limit what he can do or where he can go careerwise.
What advice would wise mnetters suggest?

OP posts:

planespotting · 09/01/2019 08:31

He feels he was tricked into having a baby and now feels trapped.
Direct him to the condom section

And the second child? Also "tricked?"?

Are you romantically involved?

Original poster

VTechnophobe · 09/01/2019 08:33

Are you romantically involved?

No, he's my DB.

OP posts:

planespotting · 09/01/2019 08:36

Sorry I misread 🤦🏻‍♀️
What about the second child?

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Families

Productrecall · 09/01/2019 08:37

Sounds like classic midlife crisis ' I was tricked into having children and want my carefree life back' thinking. He wasn't tricked into having the second one, was he?
Takes two to tango, if he really had not wanted children he should have taken more personal responsibility at the time, not try and make out his life is shit now because he had children and can't get his own way in things because he has a responsibility towards his family.

He seriously needs to get over his ridiculous resentment, it's not going yo result in a good relationship with his kids. So if I were him, I'd try and talk through that with someone who will make him see the reality of the situation, and also look at things he can do work/leisure wise which will give him some satisfaction (but individually and as a family unit).
We all miss out on certain opportunities after having kids, it's normal.

Productrecall · 09/01/2019 08:38

*both individually and as a family

Singlenotsingle · 09/01/2019 08:40

That was a silly question planespotting!
OP, you say your DB was very young when the first dc arrived, so he'll still be young when they're both grown up (say 40?). Maybe his travel plans should wait til then? He may think he'll be be too old by then, but trust me, he won't.

planespotting · 09/01/2019 08:41

I think lots of people with children split up for different reasons buy I think that your DB needs to put his big boys pants on and stop making up these excuses and having been tricked etc
He has two lovely DC
How would the first born feel if they knew their dad resents the birth and having been tricked? It really is a horrible thing to say.
Some families split. But he us an adult and needs to weigh in the responsibilities
Does he want to have a single man life?
Or does he want to coparent?
Has he met someone else?

Billballbaggins · 09/01/2019 08:42

He was ‘tricked’ yet went onto have a second baby with his partner? Yeah OK. He’s an idiot then. Everyone misses out on some opportunities when they have children due to lack of funds/childcare etc that is part and parcel of having children. He needs to get over himself, get counselling if he needs to but he can’t blame his partner for being ‘trapped’ when he went on to have another child with her.

planespotting · 09/01/2019 08:42

@Singlenotsingle gosh I misread they were family and retracted quickly

WhoKnewBeefStew · 09/01/2019 08:48

I have a friend like this. Same scenario, he feels he was tricked into the first (she also stopped taking the pill without telling him), they then made a conscious decision for a second and then a third came as a mistake.

He should never have been a father, he was shit father and now has little contact with his eldest two because of how little he involved himself in family life. He ended up working away anyway, he says to further his business, I think it was a handy excuse to stay away from home. His wife ended up having an affair and they split. He’s a bit of a sad old man now, but he’s happy as at nearly 60, he has the life he wanted. Living alone, going out with friends and a gf who he won’t commit to as he doesn’t trust anyone or want to let anyone into his life properly.

Your db needs to make a decision, either throw himself into it 100% or leave and support and become a part time dad. By staying as he is will only ruin everyone’s lives inc his, his dc and his partner

HeddaGarbled · 09/01/2019 08:54

Everyone wants out of family life at some point. It’s hard. But grown ups don’t run away from their responsibilities for grass which doesn’t always turn out to be greener in the long run.

My advice to him would be to see this for the wobble that it is, to have a good think about what he actually wants that he thinks his family is stopping him from having, and then think about he can take steps to achieve that without doing a runner.

blackcat86 · 09/01/2019 08:55

If you want to help your DB and offer advice could you chat to him about the root cause of his unhappiness that has triggered this midlife crisis. Sometimes when people feel like they haven't achieved all that they could/should in their careers, it easy to blame a spouse or family life where in reality it has nothing to do without and just avoids personal responsibility. What is it that's causing the crisis? Seeing what others have achieved, shitty marriage, stress, wanting to pursue a hobby, not having got to a certain career point? Then he can look at how to get to the end point of what he really wants or learn to accept what he has. All of this baby trapping talk is just smoke and mirrors. If he was that upset about it he wouldn't have stayed and had a 2nd baby.

Original poster

VTechnophobe · 09/01/2019 08:56

planespotting no worries! The second child was a surprise too and she took the MAP but it didn't work.

There's a 5 year age gap so he'll be mid-40s once this baby is grown up. Travelling then wouldn't be impossible that is very true.

I do agree with everyone saying he needs to accept this is his life now but it's hard to see someone so miserable. He is scared if leaving and dealing with the fallout as he's a placid guy.

Like a poster on another thread I think he's realising that his DP and him have very different ideals so aren't compatible. He hadn't met anyone else but is just unhappy. He loves his kids and knows they will come first but he has asked me to help him see if there's any solution where he can be happier but his children wouldn't be damaged. I can't see a route that doesn't involve some pain. Thinking of his DP I also feel she deserves to be with someone who doesn't resent her.

OP posts:

Original poster

VTechnophobe · 09/01/2019 09:01

Hasn't met anyone else not hadn't.

OP posts:

planespotting · 09/01/2019 09:01

OP, my brother is married with one DC and I wish he was happier too.
They have a very unhealthy relationship, we don't get along with her and he is very different and has lost all his friends because they didn't like his wife and she caused much drama.
However, he made the decision to be with her and then have a DC.
Unfortunately when people are unhappy they either stay for the children, or split up, also for the children.
It will never be easy.
But I think he needs to take responsibility for it all and learn to let go of that resentment
Counselling an option?

Original poster

VTechnophobe · 09/01/2019 09:02

blackcat86 that's good advice thank you. I will try and speak to him about underlying issues.

OP posts:

Billballbaggins · 09/01/2019 09:03

Thinking of his DP I also feel she deserves to be with someone who doesn't resent her.

That’s the key isn’t it, you’re quite right. If he’s unhappy with his partner he should leave and co-parent. It is going to cause pain but his attitude, if he stays with his partner, will shine through to his children as they get older anyway.

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 09/01/2019 09:04

So fed up of men who don't want children but can't be arsed to sort out contraception. You'd think if he'd been "tricked" into the first one he might take a bit more responsibility for himself second time round? Or is he normally a complete idiot?

He needs to man up and get on with it. All of his own making.

Original poster

VTechnophobe · 09/01/2019 09:04

planespotting our parents split and it made things really hard but that's because Dad was an absent father. He's a better dad than his dad so he will be a big part of their lives if they split. I think he should try counselling but he's dismissed it as "not for him". He kind of keeps things in until it boils over.

OP posts:

Teaandtoastie · 09/01/2019 09:06

Sounds like the line my exH trotted out when we split up. He never wanted DC, family life isn’t for him etc (though it was a joint decision, no one was ‘tricked’!)

Tbh, tell him to leave. ExH now has the life he wants, seeing DC every other weekend and a gf who doesn’t want DC. I’m much happier without him with a lovely DP who does enjoy family life!

Original poster

VTechnophobe · 09/01/2019 09:10

Billballbaggins absolutely. Our parents toxic relationship was very damaging and I wish they'd split up sooner rather than staying together for us. I'm 10 years older than my DB so he was only 8 when our parents broke up but I'd lived through the years of hatred prior to the split.

I wouldn't wish that on his DP or my DNs. They all deserve better.

OP posts:

CoraPirbright · 09/01/2019 09:54

I think posters saying that he was an idiot not to take care of contraception are being a bit harsh. He has been guilty of trusting the woman he loves/loved/was supposed to be in a loving, trusting relationship with. When I started a relationship with now dh, we used condoms initially before discussing various other options. Decided the pill might be right for us so visited the GP together to get the low down on it and some advice and ended up going with that. If I then decided, off my own bat, to stop taking it in order to get pregnant (the duplicity is breath taking and utterly revolting imo) then how would that be my partners fault? It was a jointly made decision and if he didnt trust me to take it....well, there are greater problems in the relationship. Also given his partner’s track record, I would be highly suspicious that the MAP “didnt work”. More likely she “didnt take it”.

I have every sympathy with your bro. He has been foolish to trust his wife but she has behaved despicably. Babies should be created with both parents on board, not just to her timetable. No wonder he feels tricked.

Productrecall · 09/01/2019 11:04

Also given his partner’s track record, I would be highly suspicious that the MAP “didnt work”. More likely she “didnt take it”.

Why did he trust her with contraception if they had already had one accidents?

Jess74 · 09/01/2019 11:24

He doesn't have to stay with his partner there are plenty of people with children who aren't together. Not ideal, but probably best for the children if people are unhappy. But blaming his partner for the children is low. He is as responsible for contraception as she is so let's stop that sexist bull. I think it's time he stopped playing the blame game and decided what he wants.

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