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Original poster

12 year old DS

25 replies

Movingonup41 · 09/01/2019 06:45

My DS12 has always been a handful/difficult/challenging but it’s not getting better with age it’s getting worse.

I’m not sure whether to take him to the GP or not?

He has a bad temper. He hits things and breaks things and kicks things. He did hit and kick me when he was little but he hasn’t done this for years. He does still shove me if I try to console him or try to calm him down.

He cries for everything I mean everything.

I’ve looked online and done various online tests and it seems he is “highly sensitive”

He doesn’t have many friends and has been badly bullied before in year 3. We moved him to another school for year 4 and he seemed to do well with the occasional hiccup.

He has now started back to secondary school after Christmas and was shouting and hitting things in his room last night as “friends” were being mean online (PS4).

I was up until 10.30 trying to calm him down with him inconsolably crying and saying he has no friends. They call him fat because he’s fat (he’s not) he wouldn’t listen to anything I said and eventually got into bed and cried himself to sleep.

Could he be depressed? At 12?

I’m at a loss now and am dreading waking him for school.

OP posts:

TheMythicalChicken · 09/01/2019 06:59

Sounds like he’s being bullied. I would take it very seriously. Ask him. And then ask him what he wants you to do about it.

Original poster

Movingonup41 · 09/01/2019 07:16

Thanks TheMythical I think I’m going to try to get a GP appointment today.

OP posts:

TheMythicalChicken · 09/01/2019 07:17

My DS went through a similar thing. Feel free to PM me if you wish.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families Primary education

ForTheLoveOfDoughnuts · 09/01/2019 07:20

It sounds like he's being bullied. I would approach the school. The bullying needs to be tackled appropriately by them.

I'm not sure what the gp would do?

Original poster

Movingonup41 · 09/01/2019 07:24

GP is so he can be weighed and reassured he’s not fat as he seems to be fixated on this. Also because of the anger and low feeling about himself that he has at the moment.

It seems relentless.

OP posts:

loopy42 · 09/01/2019 07:27

My 12 year old was diagnosed with depression last year so yes entirely possible

Original poster

Movingonup41 · 09/01/2019 07:32

Thanks loopy was any help offered to you?

OP posts:

loopy42 · 09/01/2019 07:36

He was having suicidal thoughts and was referred to CAHMS by the GP.

He now has weekly appointments with a counsellor.

He still feels depressed but is no longer having the suicidal thoughts.

So I would say yes take him to the GP.

We were advised to reduce his online gaming time, he also has a pass at school which means he can show it to his teacher and go off to a special room to be alone (well supervised by an adult) without any consequence

Surfskatefamily · 09/01/2019 07:36

It really does sound like bullying. And if they are getting to him online on xbox as well as school then its relentless. Can you go through the profiles with him on his xbox and block them? Or rename his.
Take it very seriously, i was bullied and it ruined my school experience and i ended up getting into lots of physical fights as got sick of it

Sirzy · 09/01/2019 07:37

I would start off by talking to the school.

Personally I certainly wouldn’t be taking him to get weighed as drawing attention to his weight probably won’t help at all and could feed a dangerous obsession

Tolleshunt · 09/01/2019 07:38

Assuming no developmental concerns, it does sound like he is very sensitive, and has not yet learned to regulate his emotions. He could probably benefit from some therapy to do this, but not sure how likely this would be offered on the NHS.

Original poster

Movingonup41 · 09/01/2019 07:40

Sirzy I hadn’t thought of that. Maybe i won’t mention it then unless DS does.

Thanks everyone who are thinking bullying I will be ringing school today to give them a heads up and will check his online profile with him after school before he’s allowed on to remove any profiles of the boys being mean.

OP posts:

Original poster

Movingonup41 · 09/01/2019 07:40

No development concerns at all. He’s in all the top sets but he is in the bottom set for sports.

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 09/01/2019 07:45

Poor lad. He sounds very unhappy.

I'd use the fat thing and ask him if he wants to do something outside school that may help up his fitness. Really, the big advantage would be meeting other kids who aren't at his school. Think outside the box. Climbing wall. Speed skating. Athletics club.

Lavender00 · 09/01/2019 07:50

How often is he gaming? My son behaves in a similar fashion with too much gaming/ screen time. Honestly it makes a massive difference getting them off it. Good luck OP I understand how hard it is

Babygrey7 · 09/01/2019 07:53

Is his dad around? How does his dad treat him? How does his dad treat you?

How is life in general at home? Any siblings?

averythinline · 09/01/2019 08:04

It does sound like bullying but my ds got more sensitive at that age- was start of puberty have you made sure he understands that his body and mind are changing....
we had had talked about it with DS before and they had done at school but the emotional side of it was much harder in real life than theory...
Is he getting enough sleep/nutrition we started multivit/fish oils which def seemed to help (we notice when he doesnt have them)

maybe look at healthy things to do so not about weight but about being healthy ...if he doesn't like pe there are many ways of enjoying activities out of school....PE at school is often horrid and is not to do with the sports..
depending on why he doesnt like pe - has he poor co-ordination? if so maybe swimming or something like that or if thats not an issue something ike martial arts /basketball or fencing/archery? something you cant do at school..
Scouts? if different group of kids/ Drama club? if that more his thing

I would find something else he coudl do instead of gaming..I would restrict that late at night especially - emotional control hard when tired and to be fair in my experience that kids that were online late were generally not the nicest kids...- he can blame you!

I found we had got a bit lazy as parents as the 8-10 period had been relatively calm with DS - parenting a young teen has been quite hard work he is more more emotional and stompy and sometimes said really sad things...yes involve the school they ended up changing his form class as the low level stuff was not stopping (his request ) and tried a lot to support him and were hot on the bullies ...but in the end we moved school ....which has been good for him but may not always be an answer

lots of hugs (when you can get them in) and time and love -calming down situations and giving Ds time to learn to control himself - meditation can help...his school do a course called .b

Original poster

Movingonup41 · 09/01/2019 11:31

Thanks all. No drs appointment available for today so I’ll try again tomorrow.

School are helpful and have listened to me so we’ll see how it goes.

OP posts:

Original poster

Movingonup41 · 09/01/2019 11:34

Avery. You make a good point of restricting the lateness of online play. I think they are all tired and wired and it all gets a bit out of hand.

He did do kick boxing locally a few years ago but lost interest. I asked this morning if he’d like to go back to and he was talking positively about going.
So will look into that. I found it did help with impulse control, channelling aggression and discipline. It would also help him to have outside school friends and keep him off his pc and PS4 for an evening.

OP posts:

Beechview · 09/01/2019 11:40

Keep talking to him. Go out for a walk and see if he opens up more. Sometimes that works better.

I’m another who thinks restrict his late night gaming. Gaming can quite get quite intense so if he is overly sensitive and being bullied, it won’t be helping him.

Would he be interested in scouts? Or any other activity that gets him out, especially out in the open air?

Original poster

Movingonup41 · 09/01/2019 11:53

I’m Not sure Beechview I haven’t ever thought of something like that. He likes being in the garden or woods with the dogs, so he may. I’ll have a look at their website to see if we have a local one.

I’m going to have another chat tonight and bring these ideas up and talk about a schedule for online time. So we’ll see how that goes.

It’s hard because it seems everyone is online regardless of age and no one seems to have bed times or restrictions. So I look the bad mum trying to make a schedule.

His school do a cadets after school one night a week so I’m going to encourage him to try and join that and they also do a code club which he started to do with these friends but they gradually stopped going so he did - I’m going to ask him to start going again as he really enjoyed it.

I think we’ve got into a rut of coming home from school and it being all about online gaming.

OP posts:

Beechview · 09/01/2019 12:20

I have a 13yr old and 11 yr old ds. Their friends always seem to be online too.
You have to be strong and explain to him what you’re doing and why. That you’re on his side and want to help him look after his physical and mental health.
It’s not easy!

Cutesbabasmummy · 09/01/2019 12:58

I hope you get it sorted. My boss son has been angry through his entire time at secondary school. He's smashed holes in every wall in her house, broken 8 tv's, smashed 3 ps4/ x boxes and recently (He's now just17) smashed his I phone because his mum didn't answer him. She threw him out to.live with his dad the day he pushed her down the stairs aged 16. Unfortunately his dad also had enough so he's now back with her and still breaking things. I should also add that he smokes and deals cannabis on a daily basis and has done since 15.

averythinline · 09/01/2019 13:05

Its an easy groove to get iinto but he is only young so time to get out of it before the teens really kick in ..

a friend who has older kids advised me to make sure ds stayed busy as its harder to get into trouble if they're busy and that has always stuck with me !
Scouts are great round us some are more busy than others so maybe worth looking at a few....Cadets is good but often starts 13 .there may be air cadets or sea cadets as well depending on where you are......but def look at spreading interest ...physically it is a good time to build muscle (but not too much) and find sports/interest that can keep them going and connecting with other people as they get older ...if kick boxing was good taekwondo ? or just boxing

Music/singing - for a differnt sort of activity?

other thing i would recommend is to big up what he is good at....and when he does something nice/kind/thoughtful -often lots of negatove messages at thsi age...

averythinline · 09/01/2019 13:08

cross post sorry - Do not be afraid to be the bad mum ....explain why you are doing what you are doing when he is calm ..
with ds it went somethin glike - you were unhappy/angry/rude when you were playing and got upset with yourslef and otehrs etc etc therefor elets not get into that ituation again...
they need help with regulating their emotions at this age
it did take repitition but like with toddlers to a certain extent we stayed firm and now its the norm .....

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