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Would this worry you?

20 replies

Ashbourne · 08/01/2019 11:47

Just looking for people’s thoughts really- I don’t want to talk to anyone in real life about this for reasons that will become obvious. I am a name changing regular.

My dd has recently graduated and started work in London. She is quite vulnerable after a catastrophic and very damaging relationship, so I am by necessity more involved in her life than I should be at her age, but she is rapidly gaining in confidence and independence, and I am thankfully taking more and more of a backseat.

Her godfather is an old family friend who has been very involved in her life since she was born. He is lovely. Kind, generous, supportive- everything a godfather should be. He is 65, and married, but his wife is increasingly disabled, and is not expected to live much longer. They have no children.

He is very rich, and owns several flats. He has offered one of them to dd at a peppercorn rent for 3 months while she finds her feet. The others are all rented out. He uses this flat as a pied a terre when he works in London- maybe 3 days a month. She happily accepted and moved in last week. He has, since she grew up, taken her out to dinner regularly, and is doing so tonight.

I can’t emphasize enough that I have never, ever has the slightest reason to question his motives. I feel absolutely shit for even thinking about this now. And I know I am over protective of her because of her past experience. But if you were me, would you be at all twitchy about her and him being alone together for 3 nights a month and him taking her out.....? And if you were is there anything you would do or say? As I said, I am 99.99999999999% sure that he regards her as a surrogate daughter. And nothing he has done is different to the way he has always behaved towards her. Kind, generous and supportive.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/01/2019 11:49

I have to say that I'd be uneasy about this, too. Could she stay elsewhere on the nights he stays there?

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 08/01/2019 11:52

I don't think it matters how anyone here would feel - you have that teeny tiny niggling doubt, you have a DD who is potentially more vulnerable than other DC her age and you have to do something.

Do you feel able to talk to your DD openly about the situation, and about hr Godfather? Do you have friends or relatives nearby who can offer additional support so that she wouldn't be leaning on one adult for all of her support? What is her friendship circle like?

Justmuddlingalong · 08/01/2019 11:54

I see him as being a supportive godfather. He's looking out for her, has no children of his own and is able to help her. I think her past relationship and reliance on you for extra support is making you suspicious, if he has been nothing but kind, generous and supportive her whole life.

SilverySurfer · 08/01/2019 11:55

He sounds like he has been the perfect godfather to your DD up until now and unless he has recently behaved differently in a way that has caused you or your DD concern, then no, I wouldn't feel twitchy about them being alone together. However I have no children so you would be entitled to discount my opinion.

user1493413286 · 08/01/2019 11:57

I wouldn’t be uneasy about that about my own god father or DDs godfather but the fact that you are may mean that you’re picking up on something.
I have no idea how you’d approach that though

Needallthesleep · 08/01/2019 12:00

This wouldn’t make me nervous, it sounds all above board. Also sounds like you have a good enough relationship with your DD that she would tell you as soon as anything weird happened?

Millipedewithherfeetup · 08/01/2019 12:01

Has your daughter said anything that leads you to this feeling,

MrsPatmore · 08/01/2019 12:16

You have an instinct there - could there be something in the past about this person that is making you feel uneasy? Perhaps have a general discussion reminder with your daughter about how she could talk to you if she feels anything untoward or is uneasy with the situation. Remind her not to get drunk etc perhaps? Or could you visit on the same nights he stays?

Ashbourne · 08/01/2019 12:38

I honestly have no reason at all to be twitchy. I’ve known him through many ups and downs for many, many years.

OP posts:
halfwitpicker · 08/01/2019 12:41

Yeah I wouldn't be comfortable with this.

Ashbourne · 08/01/2019 12:41

Thinking about it, it’s almost as if I feel I ought to be worried, rather than me actually being worried. Does that make sense? He has often let other young people use the flat on a temporary basis- my ds stayed there for a couple of weeks last year when he was doing work experience, for example.....

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 08/01/2019 12:49

No I wouldn't. I would think of him as a grandfather or other family member. Unless she has some spidey senses I don't see how this is different to any other familiar family member spending time with her.

Whowouldathunkit · 08/01/2019 12:52

Welcome to the world of paranoid delusions. FFS!

The guy has done nothing but be supportive to her all her life. And now, because he dares to offer her some place to stay he MUST be some predatory sexual monster!

If we were talking about godmother and godson would you all be accusing the god mother of planning to molest him?

Hmm
AdamNichol · 08/01/2019 13:11

I feel I ought to be worried

Symptom of modern society, and not just in the realm of male-predation, but everywhere.

Me, DS, and DW were at a park a while back. Another kid, girl about 6 climbed a tree and got stuck. That kids Gran asked me if I could help lift her down. I froze for a moment util it computed that I was being asked for help by the parent/guardian and wouldn't face an angry mis-comprehending mother or father.

But everywhere you turn, there is a story to keep you in a constant state of fear so you buy the products to keep you safe aware of dangers.

So, maybe you are being too sensitive, or maybe the help proffered is a bit too much for mere familial alturism?

Lifeofsmiley · 08/01/2019 13:19

I think if he has been close enough to be her god father and part of her life growing up then you should look on this as the kind gesture it is.
We’re you worried when your ds stayed?

Luckingfovely · 08/01/2019 13:20

He has done nothing except be kind and generous?

I agree that modern societal worries are probably what are making you feel this way.

You have to try and think honestly about him without being influenced by external factors.

bluddyknackered · 08/01/2019 13:22

Honestly, if I were him I'd be so hugely hurt and offended by this.

WinterWife · 08/01/2019 13:44

I really don't mean to offend but always feel like I should be honest and say exactly what came to my mind first.
Surmising you chose him to be her godfather here but surely if he's been chosen to take care of your daughter shall the worst happen to you then I'd make a guess that he's fine to stay in the same flat as her for 3 days a month.
That being said, as a mother I understand you are simply going off your gut instinct. Maybe have a quiet word with your daughter, give her a call in a few hours and see if she seems excited about the occasion. If he is any type of predator I'd guess that he'd have offended by now though.
Hope your mind eases soon Smile

SilverySurfer · 08/01/2019 14:29

bluddyknackered
Honestly, if I were him I'd be so hugely hurt and offended by this.

Totally agree, added to which I would feel angry and likely to withdraw the offer of staying in my property. It would pretty much be the end of the friendship for me.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/01/2019 14:37

I think while you'll never stop worrying about her, you need to step back and let her continue to gain confidence, trust in her own abilities to make decisions and take control of her life as an independent young woman. It sounds like you are overprotective because of what happened. Which is understandable, but not healthy for either of you in the long term.

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