Am I putting DS to bed too early?

[SatchelsandSandbags]

DS is just 9 and has ASD.

Bedtimes have been a nightmare since he was tiny . He is awake for hours no matter what time he went to bed .

He is up at 6am every morning but does not sleep well through the night .

His usual bedtime routine starts at around 6:30pm for teeth brushing etc (asd so this is a huge battle - it’s not quick and simple).

The reason it is early is because of how long it takes .

He was then in his bedroom for around 7-7:15pm where he is allowed to do whatever it takes to wind down - read , Lego , draw etc .

He would still be awake around 9/10pm.

He started melatonin last week . It is working fabulously

He is now in bed and asleep by around 7:30pm - but we still have all of the drama to get him there .

My friend was here earlier and was shocked at how early he goes to bed - her son the same age (same class) goes to bed at 8pm and is asleep within 30 minutes .

Her son also declared that it was very early and my son looked a little bewildered .

I’m now worried that I’m babying my son

But the flip side is, her son sleeps all night and is up at 7am .

Mine sleeps very lightly , wakes often and is up at 6am (and is / was a nightmare going to bed before melatonin).

I’m more relaxed at weekends and he goes to bed around 8.30/9/10pm then .

Am I overthinking this or am I being cruel with a bedtime at 7pm?

DD is nearly 9 (and also ASD) is in bed by 7, lights out at 7.30 and sleeps like the dead till around 6am. I tried a later bedtime, it was a nightmare, she was over tired and wild, and still wife up at 6am!

Dts are 7 and go upstairs at 745 and asleep by 830 at the latest on a school night. They wake at 6am so yes it does seem early to me.

Perhaps if he didn't go up so early it wouldn't be so drawn out?

Imo you are making bedtime worse for all concerned by stretching it out... Write a night time schedule, set alarms if necessary.
730 pj's +teeth
745 read for 15mins
8 pm light out.
Ds is ten and week ends just the same.
Ime later nights achieve nowt!!

Our DS is nearly 10 has ADHD and ASD he has been going to bed at 9 since he was 7 due to the fact he is so mentally amd physically active through the day. If he goes too early he just stays lying there awake longer thinking of things he wants to do.

Must add. All kids are different though

Unfortunately set schedules don’t work for him - he has sensory issues which make it a battle .

I don’t intend to “draw it out “ - it happens because he will not wash , brush etc due to sensory issues .

I don’t mean that reply abruptly.

Highway your DD sounds like my DS!

Whether it’s 7pm or 10pm , the battles are always the same

It does seem very early to me, but my experience is only of (NT) DD who was never, ever tired at bedtime at that age.

@satchels DD likes the routine of bedtime, toilet, teeth, wash face, PJ's, cuddles and kisses from DH, then me, then I put the blanket on her face, rub her nose three times, say goodnight and leave the room. She gets stressed out if it's fine in a different order, or I forget the blanket!

We went to a wedding, went to bed at 1am. She was still she at 6...

I think it's fine - I have a year 4 with ASD/ADHD who has melatonin to help with sleep. And yyy to the endless faffing to avoid actually doing bathroom jobs!

What has helped with ours is giving him a timer - we had a conversation about how much time it takes to get ready for bed (NOT at bedtime though!). He suggested how long he thought. We added it all up and set the timer. He's insanely competitive, so the overall time has got progressively faster and is now down to less than 10 minutes, with a non-negotiable 2 mins of actual teeth brushing.

I think for his particular issues it sounds like he needs that time to prepare for bed. I also think for children with ASD life is very stressful and tiring (not saying that other kids don't get stressed but I hope you get what I mean!) and they often need more sleep. You might find as he gets used to the melatonin he needs lessons his sleep routine evens out.

I taught a year 11 with ASD last year and his dad told me he went to bed before 9 every night as he was just so exhausted trying to deal with exam stress.

Not lessons! Less

The idea of a timer he has set himself for bathroom jobs sounds brilliant - that might encourage him as he is also competitive .

Does it really sound so early if I’m not expecting him to go straight to sleep?

He is not actually asleep (before melatonin) until 9pm as he is reading and drawing etc .

If I put him to bed at 8pm, he would still need the downtime and would be awake until around 10pm.

(Selfishly) I also need some downtime and like an early bedtime myself as I’m exhausted

My DDs both went to bed by 8 up to being about 14. Same time at weekends too.
I agree to having a timer of some sort, it could be a particular song/couple of songs that they play whilst getting ready. To make sure teeth are cleaned for a set time, have a song of that length playing.

His diagnosis is recent (4 weeks ago) and I think I’m struggling to not compare him to his peers .

I am questioning everything about my parenting and whether we are doing the right thing for him .

I’m just feeling a bit crap about it all TBH.

Said friend makes it worse . If I say my son wouldn’t like something because of something related to his ASD , she will make a point of saying how her son loves x, y, z and how busy they are , when we struggle to leave the house

I still have to brush DS teeth for him and although I’m not embarrassed about it , he is becoming very aware his friends don’t do things the way we have to .

I wouldn't have said its too early.
My 6 soon to be 7 year old goes to bed at 6.45 every night usually asleep shortly after 7. He asks to go to bed at this time. early riser tho around 5/5.30 every morning but it doesnt matter if he goes to bed at 10pm or midnight he will still be up at that time of morning just a bit grumpier than if he was in bed at his usual time

My 10 yr old goes to bed at 7:30 as up at 6 and she needs the sleep

Surely it's fine if it works for you and your son which it seems to be doing? Try adjusting it slightly to see if different times wok better but it's early days still so a bit of a learning curve.
I don't think comparing is very helpful for you, and neither is your 'friend' very helpful by the sounds of things!

We stick with early bedtimes when we can for the same reasons - he needs the downtime of quiet reading or drawing before going to sleep, else he struggles to switch his brain off iyswim.

Also, he needs time to decompress from the social pressure of school/Cubs/siblings too.

Most kids with ASD are socially immature, mine operates at about the same level as his brother who is in year 1. He finds friendships and social interaction rather bewildering and needs a lot of time to process stuff, which quiet time in his room gives. If he was downstairs with us, he'd be chattering, watching tv, wanting to go on the computer/console/tablet etc, none of which comes with the same benefit.

You just need to do what works. It might be a good time to write down what actually happens when, for a week or two, and have a think about whether you could tweak the routine. But your friend is only an expert in her own child, not yours. Bedtimes vary a lot with this age group - or any age group really.

My son who has ASD likes strong routines but timers stress him out. So going upstairs and brushing teeth before winding down would be tricky. Our routine runs from the minute he gets home really, but steps up a gear with with laying the table for tea. Dinner, plates in dishwasher, tidy up time, TV, shower, PJs, downstairs reading, shower, teeth, first wees, soft toy selection & arranging, upstairs reading with adult, own reading time, last wees, lights off 8.15. I'd count it all as wind down, but in our heads the first 2/3rds is just normal life. Only the last half hour or so is one to one and "bedtime".

Also it's a very long game and if he comes out of school really stressed at 3pm it can all go out of the window!

Our other child is a very difficult sleeper and we have found a later bedtime helps her. She was lying awake stressed out. At age 11 we explained to her how we'd tweaked her sleep with a groclock when she was a baby and we went through the same process with her again. She was allowed to stay up til 10pm for a week or so, until she was less stressed about falling asleep, then we moved her bedtime earlier a few mins every few days, with her buy-in, until we reached a new negotiated normal. But I emphasise, you know your own child best and what works for someone else - me, other posters or your friend - may not be right for your family.

She doesn't sound much of a friend to be honest. Whilst it might be an early bed time for most children that age, you know your child and what is right for him. And you know that - even if recent events have made you question yourself. My nearly 9yo goes to bed by 8.30 and sleeps usually to nearly 7 so that's a similar amount of sleep. He never used to sleep any later if he was late to bed, he has got slightly better with age but not much!

My just-8 DS has ASD and was an appalling sleeper until he was almost 2, when I instigated a rock solid bedtime routine - we have had the same routine ever since - dinner at 5ish, bath 6.30, PJs and teeth etc and in bed 7.15, lights out 7.30pm, and then I ‘check on him’ at 7.35pm with a last cuddle. Up at 6am. Sometimes he reappears at 8.30 saying he can’t sleep but mostly he crashes out and sleeps like a log til 6. He NEEDS that routine and he needs that amount of sleep. And I need to make dinner and catch up with DH from 8pm. If it works, why change it?

I’d say it was too early. 7.30pm would be more appropriate at age 9. He’s not far off secondary school. I went to school with a girl who was ridiculed because her parents still put her to bed at 7.30pm (we were 12 at the time).

At 9 years old my bedtime was 9pm, and even then we were allowed to read. I doubt I was ever asleep before 10pm.

I would've said it was a bit early.

And I would avoid your so called friend. Especially if she is making her opinions known in front of her son and yours.