Struggling with FIL after MIL died

[wireloops]

MIL died almost a year ago. We miss her very much.
My FIL has not coped well and it's putting a strain on us all. She did everything for him really and he has few friends. I've always found him a bit aloof, hard work but it's worse now. He has leaned very heavily on his children and their partners and it's taking its toll on our marriages.
We supported him hugely through her illness and death and beyond and would expect to still do so to a degree but not to this extent. He is with us constantly it feels. We feed him, do chores etc.
Also I suspect he was abusive to her behind closed doors. Don't want to say too much here but I'll admit I feel resentful and angry towards him inwardly.
I just feel it's taking over my life and draining my positivity. I argue with DH more. But I feel very guilty feeling this way and I can hardly tell him to bog off.
I have a baby and a toddler too.

No but you can stop feeding him and doing his housework though. He needs to learn how to care for himself.

He can pay for a cleaner and a handyman and buy meals he can heat up himself. You need to tell your DH how it's making you feel.

His children need to teach him how to do things rather than do them for him. When my mum passed away we taught my dad how to use the washing machine, which programs to use for different fabrics.
A few easy meals and a cleaning schedule for the house. It was awkward at the time but it was very worthwhile.

I sympathise (can't say much more) the secret here is to step back and ask yourself whether he can do these things or doesn't want too. It's very difficult with grief involved but if you personally are doing alot for him then I'd lead the way by saying no and handing it back to him. How does your DH feel about it?

Unless he has physical issues of course he can cook and clean for himself, it's not rocket science is it?

You've been kind and supported him, but it's time to detatch a bit, for his sake and yours. Tell your husband how you feel and come up with an action plan. You need space in your own home (and marriage), especially when you're caring for very young children; your needs are at the back of the queue at best.

Another vote for teach him and step back.
You are in effect enabling his helplessness with your kindness.
Only you can decide if he deserves this level of life sacrifice.
There are professionals out there who can do what you are doing. Perhaps he could employ them if he really cannot bring himself to do what he was (not paying) MIL (or you) to do.

My mum died in 2011, and she really did everything around the house for my dad - by choice, definitely not an abusive situation. But after she died, he stepped up and worked out how to do things himself, learned new recipes and generally looked after us as much as we looked after him. Your FiL has no excuse!

How old is FIL? May affect the answers you are given.