I downscaled a very successful career to get more balance and now I'm unhappy...

[BrewIron]

I wasn't sure which topic to post this on and I wanted to get some feedback from people. For the last 10 years, to the middle of last year, I had an extremely successful career which involved a lot of international travel and stress. But in that period, I also got divorced and had to single parent my children as exh was hopeless. Because my job was so demanding, I didn't have time to find another relationship on top of trying to manage being a single parent for the dcs (always had childcare help). I also got destroyed in the divorce financially as exh had a far lower paid job so needed to keep working as I had to effectively take on more debt and buy him out of the property we were in.

So last year, I got to a point where I had saved enough money that I could take a break in my career and it chimed in with my dcs writing major exams. I resigned from my job, took 6 months off.

The idea was that I would go back to a less stressful job so i could have time to develop a relationship with someone (well at least try dating), see friends, have time for the children and generally try and enjoy life....well that was the idea...

I have ended up back at my old employer as they made me an offer too good to refuse (good salary, good seniority but not at the responsibility level I was at before) but I'm finding it very hard to be at a lower level. Online dating is a mind fuck - I have met a few nice people but most of them are utter disasters and it's SO time consuming. My kids are older and independent now and don't really need me around. Only one is now left at home. And I am trying to redevelop friendships but it's hard and it's also now more obvious how I've grown apart from them.

I'm trying to find new things to do but at my age (late 40s) I'm really struggling to get the motivation together and I'm starting to regret making the move I did. Effectively, I've stalled my career at a time when I've still got probably 20 years left of work.

I told my best friend last night I'm considering going back to a similar job I had before but he thinks it's a bad idea and I should continue as if I do that, I will never find a relationship and never be happy and it's still early days and I just need to be a bit more patient. I think he's right but has anyone ever been in this situation? I'm not unhappy at all....it's a bit hard to describe how I'm feeling..!

sorry I meant to say I feel like I'm unhappy but i'm not actually unhappy if that makes sense - it's like a restless feeling!

Can you do consultancy work?

You seem very focussed on finding a new relationship.
It sounds like your divorce is quite recent so perhaps not worry too much about that for now?
I’m not saying don’t date but you seem to equate a relationship with happiness and it’s not necessarily the case

I would imagine you’re restless as you are used to being a great deal more busy and mentally stimulated. Can you try a totally new hobby? Might meet some new people too rather than trying to resurrect old friendships??

I think you’re putting too much emphasis on finding a relationship. Try and learn to enjoy your own company and freedom.
Dating is something you do casually on the side. You don’t need a career break to do it.
I’d go back to the job, and finish nd satisfaction in being single, with some casual dates along the way..

*find satisfaction

Yeh agree with hopping- you seem a bit obsessed with needing a new relationship

Focus on you. Can you use the extra time to do a new hobby/learn a language/ get fitter or travel? Often better ways to meet people too than OLD.

The thing is, you've kind of done the hard part, so you should be very proud of yourself. The kids are launched, you've completed your divorce, now you're just getting restless for a new life / career.

I'd say that going for the promotion would be a good idea - if it makes you happy. And if you're happy, you'll attract a happy partner. So that will sort of sort itself out. But as @hoppinggreen said, I'm not sure that's the be-all and end-all right now. Because one divorce may be bad, but two divorces is surely worse!

Downscaling your existing work is seldom a good idea, even worse at your old workplace.

You'd be better looking for a similar job in a different employer, or using your qualifications/skills/experience for a complete career change.

If your old job was too much, is there no scope to work at a similar level, but fewer hours, such as part time, or self employed?

thanks. Divorce is 8 years ago now so not recent. And I couldn't have had a relationship due to all the travelling plus when I was back in the UK, I just wanted to be with the kids.

Did meet a few people just normally in that time but all of them said 'sorry your life is not for me' (though funny how many women put up with men with this sort of career!). I suspect I just wasn't meeting the right type...

yes I probably do feel a bit obsessed with meeting someone, mainly because I'm a bit lonely and I do miss the fun parts of a relationship!

I did the getting fitter bit but that was just the gym and me. I suppose I could look at a new skill. You're all right - I do need to do something that isn't just me and something, probably some sort of group but not sure what...

I can relate to some of what you say, because I traded a career that would have been impossible to combine with the sort of home life I wanted for a job which has never really offered the same satisfactions. On balance I still think I did the right thing but years down the line I’m still aware of what I gave up. Anyway, what strikes me most here (and others have already commented on your desire to find a new relationship) is that you’ve taken a step back but stayed with the same employer. I suspect that makes it harder to deal with any doubts you might have. Is there any chance of making a fresh start with a new employer or self-employed?

I do also run my own company on the side so do some consulting work (which I really enjoy, i often do it pro bono for start ups). It was the easy option and there is part of me that regrets it now - the problem is that all the other jobs I was getting offered were doing exactly the same as I was doing before and no guarantee it wouldn't have ended up the same intensity.

I did want to scale back and I still think I was right to do so, but I think my timing wasn't right maybe as leafy said I had done the hard bit already. I think only having one child left at home (who is super independent and turns 18 this year) has probably hit me hard too.

I think I need to get out there and meet people - maybe I should try and look at some non exec directorship roles or something where I feel I can add some value and meet some different people. Or maybe some volunteering.

I had to take a few steps back on the ladder when I got separated/divorced op. To a role with very little travel, and less responsibility.

But I moved companies, so it was a fresh start as no one knew who I was before and it wasn't awkward in that way.

It must be hard to fit into your new role knowing where you were and other people knowing in the company too.

Would you consider a sideways move into another company?

On the relationship side i don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be in one and feeling lonely especially now the DC are older. Not sure what to tell you there as I've only looked at Dating sites and never really committed to being an active member.

Go back to what you had! Don't feel guilty. Just do it!

Go back to the previous level. You're bored and unfulfilled, it's clear you actually need and like the intensity and positive stress. We spend such a big part of our lives at work, it's much more fun if it's something you enjoy.