Real or fake friend!?

[FunkyGirl123]

Hi everyone
I’m new to mumsnet and I was hoping for some advice if possible.

I have a dilemma with a friend atm and I’m not sure how to handle the situation. Basically me and a friend have known each other for about 5 years now. We don’t see each other that much as we’ve got kids and our lives are busy but we meet up now and again with another mutual friend and go for coffee/lunch. Although we don’t see each other that much, we talk over WhatsApp every other day, just normal stuff, how our days are going, how our kids are driving us crazy, we both have a love for all things beauty so discuss makeup we’ve seen & bought and stuff along those lines, just girly stuff really.

Her son is friends with my son, they are both 6 but now go to different schools but we stayed in contact. Any parties, functions I’ve always invited her to and she’s always attended. So in essence I’ve let her into my life, children’s life and my home.

I’ve always felt for a long time that she might possibly be a little bit envious, we are quite well to do, live in an affluent area, drive nice cars and my kids go to private schools. I’ve felt for a long time, when we might be discussing certain products we use or clothes we buy or wear etc that she always wanted to know about my stuff but in turn if I ever asked her, she would just ignore it, not every time but sometimes (all over daily SMS btw). Tbh I never really thought much of this. However I’m the type of person that if you ask me about something I have or anything, I’ll tell you, I don’t see the point in not sharing information.

Anyway about 2 years ago I joined Instagram and knowing she was on there, I sent her a request to follow her. She never accepted. Tbh I’m not the type of person to say why haven’t you accepted, it’s not my style so I just left it at that. As her account was private I just thought, maybe it’s just family etc so that was cool with me. We never spoke about it.

Just a few weeks ago, it was my sons first birthday party so she came with her children. It was a day party and she came in my opinion and a few friends of ours opinion a little inappropriately dressed. I wore a fitted body con dress that was fancy, however because it was very fitted, it was of an appropriate length, knee length. Although it was sexy, it was still demure and classy. She turned up in a dress that was very short, literally just below her bottom. She knew I had family members there (I am Muslim) so it was expected to dress a little bit more modest. We have been to many many parties together of other people’s children before and she has never dressed so over the top. However, it was the first party that all the wife’s & husbands had been invited, she incidentally didn’t bring hers, apparently she wanted to come without her baby (he was 10 months) so left him with dad at home.

Anyway after this I met up with some friends who had also been at my sons party and someone made a comment about this friends dress. It was said that it looked like she was at the wrong party, she looked like she was going to a night club. Anyway we got looking on each other social media and one of the gils asked if she was on Instagram, to which I replied yes, but to my knowledge it was a private account. Sometimes her name pops up on my suggested list so I click onto it, but it’s always said private. Anyway we went into it and it was set to public for the first time. I had a look at her followers and 2 of our mutual friends were on there, so I did think I wonder she never added me that time.

Anyway the next day I was looking on insta again and clicked on her profile, it said “user not found” which I found out meant the person has temporarily deactivated it. I thought that was a bit strange but didn’t think much of it. In the evening, I was telling my husband all about it and showed him on my insta what happens when I click on her profile but this time nothing came up, so from my account if I searched her name, it came up with nothing, like she’d completely disappeared. So I thought there’s no way she’s permanently deleted her account after posting for all this time so I got this gut feeling that maybe she had blocked me now she’d gone public, even though we never talked about our insta pages ever and I didn’t even follow her, however, she knew my username because I’d sent her that request 2 years ago. Anyway I searched for her name on my husbands insta page and low and behold she was there, set to public so anyone can view her page. I did it on mine again and she couldn’t be found at all. What’s worse is that she text me that same evening after blocking me chatting away like we always do, saying we need to meet up catch up and acting all normal!?

So, this is my dilemma, this person who is meant to be a friend has “actively and consciously” had a thought process of blocking me before making her account public. Blocking is a an extremely passive aggressive act I feel. I don’t follow her on Instagram but she took a step to make sure if I ever did search her on Instagram now her page is public that I wouldn’t be able to find her.

I just don’t know what to make of it, what does it mean and tbh it’s hurt me, I think it’s out of order what she’s done, would a true friend actively block me like that. She obviously thinks I’ve never seen her page as it was private but luckily the 48 hours she went public (to adjust her settings I’m assuming) I happen to stumble across it. Then she sets it to public but has made sure I can never find it.

I will just add that after this you think about other times she might have been “shady” so there’s one significant time I can think of. We met a guy at a department store who was a makeup artist at one of the makeup counters we both loved and we met up with the guy for coffee discussing all things makeup etc. We visited the counter together a few times after that and he also did our makeup, he was just a fun guy. Anyway he said take his number so my friend did and we said we’d all meet up for coffee again. Afterwards I mentioned to my friend we should arrange coffee lunch with him but she never seemed interested so I just left it. He then moved to a different department store and then I bumped into him once he returned to the original store a year later. He said “oh it’s a shame you’ve never been able to meet up with us, the “friend” meets up regularly, we have a good gossip & do makeup, but ur always too busy, ur too busy for us” I didn’t say anything to him but then realised she had met up with him a lot, become friends (as her insta comments showed) but had purposely not included me. Bit shady I thought since we had met him together. Anyway when I asked her about if she’d see this guy, she said not for ages and that she bumped into him briefly on the makeup counter and then changed the subject. I too left it at that.

I don’t know how to feel, how to deal with it, I don’t want to friends with someone who is quite clearly being fake, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry it’s so long!

She's not a genuine friend, is she? I would avoid her and would certainly stop inviting her along to things.

She doesn't seem like a true friend at all, she is clearly lying to you and being two faced. Did you manage to have a good look at her insta account? It's strange how she has blocked you, would make me question why? Seems like she is hiding something from you.

As I see it you have three options, confront her about everything, cut her out of your life or ignore what has gone on. Personally I would confront her.

Thank you for your reply HollowTalk, appreciate you taking time to read such a long email. I feel the same, would a real genuine friend behave like this, I really don’t think they would. She’s hard to avoid because we have some mutual friends, one quite close one and we meet up.

Sadly this is not a genuine friendship, but I don't think her actions are intentionally set out to upset or concern you. It sounds like she has quite low confidence and self esteem issues. Sometimes it is easier to keep people like this in your life, but at a distance. If you completely ghost her she could be more a problem.

Again thank you emz01 for reading and replying 😊 yeah I had a good look on my husbands phone and all I can think of is that she doesn’t want me to see this “fake” life she is posting. She’s wearing things that I know she doesn’t own, talking about this & that, even dressing scantily clad which she’s never done in front of me, my husband seems to think she doesn’t want me to be a “part” of this life as she’s embarrassed. He says she’s envious of my life and her jealously has made her cut me out from certain aspects of her life. That’s not a true friend, I’m not judgemental and never will be, I couldn’t care less what she or anyone posts, it’s their business but to behave so manipulatively and actively block me like that, it’s very passive aggressive and shows to me what she’s really like. Did she not think I’ll find out!?

I can’t really ignore her & carry on as normal as I’m the sort of person that cannot hide how I feel, so she’d know something was up. Confronting her I feel, what’s the point? She obviously has reasons for behaving like this for no good reason at all so I am thinking about just cutting her out of my life, honestly I don’t want phony fake friends in my life. We’re grown adults for gods sake!

I’m thinking just don’t reply to any of her texts and that’s it, leave it at that. It’s like I will have “disapeared”. I’ll let my mutual friends know but tell them minimal and that if she asks them just say I said that the friendship wasn’t what I thought it was so I decided to part ways. What do you think?

Couldn't be arsed with all that id just drop her. And block her on everything too.

What's the point of blocking someone on a public account they can see everything without being logged in anyway.

Hi Wednesday32, thankyou for stopping by my long thread & replying. I think your right, she does seem like she has low self esteem issues, although she acts very confident and I’ve not seen her anything but. Coupled with that I think she’s insecure about her own life and has the case of the green eyed monster. It makes you think of all these things.

It’s just hurtful as I know I’m a good friend, I’m always welcoming, I’ll go out of my way, I’ll be there for you but I just feel like hwr actions speak volumes as to the type of person she is and what she thinks about me and our friendship. I can’t velieve she acted normal and text me the same day she “blocked” me, so it was all a well thought out process, not impulse

Hi findurfavouritesorhaveabrowse
Thanks for the reply. I really want to block her from my insta account which is public, but it’s a case of she got there first so now I can’t block her. Unless anyone knows how I could do it. I’ve tried but it won’t let me do it.

Don't confront her. You can't change her. Just be thankful that you know her for what she is. Be polite and gracious and relegate the friendship to just a friendly face if you bump into her.

Yeah confronting someone who has behaved like this is pointless, like you say you can’t change someone.

I probably won’t even bump into her as we live in different areas, kids go to different schools etc until a mutual friend does a child’s birthday party, at which I will just keep out of her way and act like she’s not even there, I think the next party will possibly be March. It’s her sons first birthday in 2 weeks time so when I don’t text to say happy birthday I think that’ll be the big giveaway that I no longer want to be friends as otherwise I’d have met up and given her some lovely presents, things I’ve already bought.

Thanks for replying lunicorn 😊

Ok - all a bit complicated but I think your main problems are:

1. She blocked you on Instagram
2. She doesn’t tell you what make up etc she wears
3. She was inappropriately dressed to your son’s party
4. Her life on Instagram is not what you think it should be (clothes she doesn’t own etc?!?!?)
5. The make up guy

Of these:-

1. Social media is a bloody nightmare for stuff like this. People always seem to get upset about things that happened. SM is great if you use it in the right way - a record for yourself of things that have happened, a way of keeping in very vague contact with people you knew long ago and still like but don’t have the time and energy to keep up with regularly, a way of sharing photos with people of your kids being cute without having to go to the effort of contacting each one individually, even a way of having a bit of a boast when you / your kids do something impressive. But in my view social media should never take over your real life. It’s just to easy to accordentally press a button and block someone / unfriend someone / miss someone’s post / misunderstand a tone.

1. It sounds like you have more money for her for the expensive brands. It would be hard to admit you were wearing something cheap (even if you really liked it) to someone who always wears more expensive stuff.

1. To be honest the dress code for the party sounded very complicated. A dress that was demure, classy and sexy yet suitable for a child’s party. Not sure I could do that! Would jeans and a t-shirt work as that is what I normally wear to kids stuff? Sounds like she just cocked up.

1. Most people have different sides to them. I work in finance doing a very technical, mathematical job. My mum friends probably don’t know that - at least not in detail. They see me as Lizzie’s mum or Daniel’s mum. Work colleagues probably can’t imagine me using the phrase “monster poo” but I use it quite a lot. (My son likes to save it up!) Other friends know me from the kids sports stuff. It was very funny when we had an evening out with all the cycling parents and coaches as we discovered that we all had hair! (Generally the coaches wear helmets at all times.)

1. It sounds to me that she fancies the make up guy to be honest. The other option is that I have a few friends who are lovely on their own but once you introduce other people in they suddenly become an attention seeking nightmare. Especially if the other people are opposite sex. Maybe she feels like that about him. Or you.

I’m not saying stay friends - just that you seem to be ending a friendship mainly because of social media and that seems a shame to me.

Hi mommyoftwoyoungkids, thank you for your detailed reply.

1. I agree SM can be an absolute nightmare and misused in so many ways. However, to me however someone chooses to use their account is up to them, I have no opinions about it either way. Insta is clearly a world that she actively blocked me from, I don’t follow her so she blocked me to ensure I could never find her account as she’s gone public now. She has set it so that anyone can see it, has 2 mutual friends on there yet she purposely blocks me. There’s a definite reason behind this behaviour

1. She does buy expensive makeup, although sometimes I have asked her about a product she says she’s got already and she ignores my Q, so I do wonder if she tells little white lies or just doesn’t want to share that info with me. Bit strange as now she’s posting stuff on insta outlining what she’s wearing etc, very weird!? So this shows she doesn’t want ME to know

1. My friends including her asked me what I’m wearing to the party and my answer was that because it was a family day party I was wearing a dress that was an appropriate length, knee length and more modest. I wanted to still look fancy but classy & demure. Sorry I put sexy in my initial thread, but I meant I said not sexy, more classy & demure. Everyone else wore a nice appropriate dress apart from her who walked in wearing a dress that just about covered her bottom and bare legs. It was just too much. It was like she was trying to prove a point, maybe trying to out do me at my own child’s party but instead people were saying she looks like she’s going to a night club, think she’s at the wrong party, that’s others words. She’s never dressed like that at anyone else’s party. You can still look nice dressed up but don’t dress inappropriately. It was a bit disrespectful I felt

1. She is more than welcome to display a “fake” life on insta, I’m sure she’s not the first but a true friend wouldn’t just go and block me in such a cold way, she’s been very passive aggressive and I can’t get my head round why. Then she texts me the same day acting normal, saying we need to catch up & meet up, I mean c’com...

1. The mutual friend, the makeup guy is gay, he’s blatantly gay. I think it was just she wanted to have free makeup lessons, know someone in the makeup world so deliberately excluded me making out to him that I was too busy to meet up. It was just a very unkind out of order thing to do especially since we met him together, I asked her let’s meet up with him but she acted like she wasn’t bothered yet behind my back she forged a friendship. It’s not affected my life in the slightest but it’s just not what a friend should do

My partner's sister is like this. Comes round to our house, drinks tea, is super lovely and plays with our house bunnies, she even buys me Christmas presents. HOWEVER. She has blocked me on Instagram and blocked my phone number despite the fact that I haven't tried to add her/text her. She says horrible things about me to their family members - usually insulting my mental health. She also refuses to go to family gatherings if I'm going and she isn't shy about telling people that. To my face though, it's all hugs and smiles, when I try and talk to her she just says that everything is fine. People like this clearly have their own issues. It's a horrible feeling to lose a friend but she's inflicted this upon herself. You've been nothing but patient and understanding and she's thrown it back in your face. Despite the fact that it feels like a personal attack on you, it isn't. You should never doubt your friendship with someone. Obviously you still have to see her, but keep her at an arms length and don't fall for faux-friendly behaviour. Just remain civil and find yourself another friend, someone with loyalty and values that match with yours. Good luck

Thankyou for your reply hellabellabluebell

I’m sorry to hear your partners sister is behaving in this awful manner. I think you have patient of a saint, I’m not sure I’d be able to be that strong. Her appalling behaviour is text book two faced isn’t it, I mean how rude!?

Like you say people who behave this way have their own issues and it’s through these insecurities that they feel the need to treat others unkindly. It is horrible to lose a friend, however as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised it’s more important to have a few friends than to have lots who are fake and two faced. I really dont feel I can trust her or fully know what her intentions are, I don’t want to wonder what she will do next. Friendship is meant to be a mutual respectful relationship, especially those you allow into your home, family, children’s lives.

Sadly I just don’t see the point in keeping her as a friend, things will never be the same again because quite frankly I have been nothing but a good true friend to her and feel like she’s been fake & phony and so childish for no reason whatsoever. She thought about her actions as put her account public, before actively “blocking” me even though I don’t even follow her. Her behaviour is utterly shocking and totally unnecessary. She clearly did what she did for a reason