I weigh 21 stone 3

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I’m 5ft 9... I don’t know where that takes my bmi other than massive .

I’m very uncomfortable with myself , I’ve got a belly fold that must weigh 3 stone in itself - I get sores under it , under my breasts and between my legs . My legs and arms aren’t overtly huge but big enough .

I’ve got PCOS, and a huge family history of thyroid disorders as well . I’ve also got quite serious mental health issues at the moment - zero confidence and self esteem . I’m virtually housebound , go out only when absolutely essential as going out petrifies me .

I’m now realising when I go for a gentle walk I’m needing to stop for a breather , I get sore and dizzy and heart races . I tried tonight and found myself gagging I was so tired . Once a time I could walk 10 miles fine. I was fit and healthier although have always been a bigger girl/fat.

I’ve also been told my blood sugar (fasting) is 7.8 which I think is probably too high .

I’m not eating well - I skip meals , snack on convinence, rarely if ever bother to cook beyond sticking frozen stuff in the oven, can eat enormous amounts of stuff - huge portions and more besides . I’m also in the habit of binge-purging and usually sick once a week or so .

I am at a total loss of what to do to make a start on solving it all . I’m so desperately unhappy and lonely that I look forward to buying new food to eat but I eat alone, on the floor in my bedroom (shared house).

GP says I can go to weight watchers if I like via NHS for 12 weeks and if I lose 12 lb they’ll give me another six months free , no other option except maybe Orlistat . I want to lose the weight myself , but I don’t know where to start , to say I need to lose eleven stone and to be doing it all alone feels totally overwhelming. What do I do ? I can’t believe it has gotten so bad .

I think tackling your mental health will put you in a better position to start tackling your weight.
Is your GP treating you for your mental health issues? You sound quite depressed if you don’t mind me saying so.
I’m very heavy too 5’4 and probably weigh similar to you, I’m on Sertraline 50mg a day and it’s lifted my mood immensely.
I’m starting to understand that it’s a lack of appreciation for myself which leads me to treat myself so badly, I don’t look after myself because I don’t feel I’m ‘worthy’ of being looked after ifyswim so I punish myself by neglecting my health.
I’m exploring this with my counsellor at the moment and trying to change my outlook.
Not saying it’s the same for you, just that exploring the deeper issues around your mental health and relationship with food might be the key to challenging and changing your behaviour.

I am very depressed yes , a GP phoned me on Saturday night saying they want me to see a psychiatrist urgently after I took a severe reaction to Prozac (tardive dyskinesia ?) . I had the same reaction to duloxetine and also problems with benzodiazepines, and other SSRIs ... bit of a mess . I’m self injuring very frequently but kind of feel that’s under control a bit sort of .

I feel the same though .

I was bullied and sexually assaulted as a child and teen and my home life was horrible . I never felt safe or secure . I have never felt relaxed or one hundred per cent content . I started eating at six as I found I enjoyed food but I couldn’t stop , it doesn’t fill the hole no matter how much I force in .

Then I get angry and want to punish myself - I just see me as a burden and not worth caring about as no one would notice ? I worry that people must be disgusted when they see this fat lump all the time .

When I was small as a joke my mum called me podgykins and a big lump . At school they threw food at me and smeared cream in my hair , stuff like that . As an adult I find myself terrified by the world and I hide with the curtains drawn now , so I’ve become very unfit , very scared and then just order deliveroo and £50 Tesco orders as a way of sort of soothing myself ? If that doesn’t sound too crazy .

OP you sound like a lovely person who has been through a lot. I know there is no magic wand, but I wish you success in turning things around in 2019.
I have been 2-3 stone overweight throughout my forties, but the only way of eating that has been successful and suited me is keto and lowcarb/high fat. More info https://www.dietdoctor.com
The Blood Sugar diet also might be of interest to you if you haven't looked into that yet.
Not having sweets/crisps/snacks in your home could be your first goal. If you don't have them you can't eat them. Could hypnotherapy also be an option?
Best of luck

Oh my lovely no wonder you are struggling. Anybody would be after all that and no wonder food has become your crutch.
Does your doctor know how bad things were and about the abuse ? You need professional help to unravel some of this.
But please don't blame and hate yourself . You are not worthless and tell yourself that feelings are not fact. Just because you think something about yourself it does not make it true and ditto with what others say.
You come across as a v articulate and intelligent person and I am sorry that others have hurt you so badly. They should be ashamed !
I agree that better mental health will enable you to let go of the crutch of food so concentrate on that first . And hold your head high . You are a survivor. The best of luck to you xxx

Op, no diet will work until you tackle your mental health, you are eating to self medicate and you are eating to force down your feelings and try to eat them away. We can all say what diets have worked for us but imo this has nothing to do with dieting and everything to do with the emotional and sexual abuse you suffered as a child. Until you tackle this you will not find a diet on the planet that will solve your issues. Please look into therapy and find a anti depressant that works for you. Do both and give them time to work, once you've faced these issues hopefully the binging will settle down.

Hello there
I have been your weight, slightly taller. I am a couple of stone lighter than that now but still very overweight obviously.
And I haven’t had any of your traumatic history.

I also work in mental health and considering your history and purging you would meet the criteria where I work for a referral to psychology.

Can your GP refer you for psychological assessment? Some therapeutic support could be helpful to you.

I am approaching it on a 3 year plan. Couple of stone last year, aiming for 3 this year, 3 the next. I have tried the whole, going hardcore losing it in a year approach and it doesn’t work for me.

Time passes no matter what you are doing. Don’t think about the final goal (some may disagree with this but when you have lots to lose, can be overwhelming), think about moving in the direction you want to go in. That is all that matters, moving in your chosen direction.

You feel paralysed and panicky now, feeling stuck and overwhelmed. Once you get moving in your direction (that is losing weight) you have already become more empowered, unstuck and are actively showing yourself self care, rather than self harm, it will feel a bit better as soon as you take some action.

The hardest place, is where you are now, feeling stuck and scared. Losing weight is not harder than where you are now, think about it? How hard does your life feel now? Losing some, any weight, is going to start to shift that feeling of life being hard. Not just because of the physical benefits but because you will be valuing yourself and demonstrating that through showing yourself self care.

I wish you resilience for your next steps

So was I. I joined SW. Lost 7st over a few years. Nothing quick. Enjoyed social aspect of it too which benefitted my MH. Maybe worth giving WW a go? No need to do it alone.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself, you’ve had a very tough time of it so it’s no wonder you have struggled so much emotionally.
Try and imagine that everything that has happened to you actually happened to someone else, how would you treat that person? I’m guessing with empathy and kindness- that exactly how you should treat yourself.
Forget your weight for now, you need to focus on getting well mentally. No diet will work until you get yourself well in your mind.

You are anything but crazy. For all the awful things you have gone through, no one would wish tardive dyskinesia on their worst enemy. I echo others, you are so articulate, and could I suggest MIND if there is a base in your area? I don't know about mental health advocacy but, I feel you could do with someone in your corner, and they seem pretty good. SSRIs are art as much as science. There really really is hope out there. The absolute best of luck, take care.

Op- I used to weight 17 st (also 5’9) and was miserable/depressed too!!

It was hard but now I’m 11st and have been for over 4 years!

It can be done- you will feel better- this is just a stop on the way to your destination xx

Tackle your mental health and try to get some fresh air daily.