2018 was a fucker of a year - youngest child being assessed for autism/ADHD, a very stressful school move plus battling the local authority for an EHCP for months, 2 of my oldest closest friends dying and topped off by my partner of 11 years announcing that he wanted to "move on and live his own life". We're still living under the same roof and will be for some time due to logistics and our youngest having SN and needing a lot of extra support.
For the last 8 months on and off, and basically permanently for the 6 weeks since the bombshell, I've felt faintly sick, had a strange swooping sensation in the pit of my stomach, felt a feeling of impending doom all the time, cried multiple times daily, started to suffer insomnia, developed regular tension headaches, considered suicide most days (I won't, I couldn't do it to my children, but I've got the logistics all worked out anyway), lost the feeling that there is anything for me to look forward to, and found it increasingly difficult to get out of bed every morning. I'm sitting ugly crying right now over the thought of 6am starts for school again from tomorrow. I'm the only main earner and am self employed so no chance of a break.
What is this? How do I feel better? How do I find it in me to keep fucking getting up day after day, when everything seems to be so fucking bleak?