Don't know what to do

[Lr414036]

Hubby has been friends with a female co worker for years. Historically he used to talk about her and what she was doing. Now he never mentions her but he goes to lunch with her every day - I know as I see them together in the staff canteen. I think they go for drinks every Friday night and when I last went overseas for work I saw he met her for dinner - he'd let me borrow his phone on my return and I saw the messages. I've also seen messages where she has suggested he stay over with her so he can get away earlier on a business trip (her place is nearer the station than ours). He refused saying I would go mad. He receives cards and presents from her which he tries to hide and on New Years Eve he texted her exactly at midnight before saying a word to me. He has now deleted all messages from her and has started carrying his phone with him everywhere. It's always in his pocket. I'm worried sick that they are getting closer and while trying to process all this have sulked a bit over the past week. How do I explain my sulking (childish I know) and do I actually have anything to worry about? I really don't know how to broach this with him.

I see them together in the staff canteen

Do the three of you work at the same place OP?
Have you spoken to your DH at all about his behaviour or his relationship with this woman and how it makes you feel?

Yes we all work for the same company. Have never discussed this with him as to date I've always been able to convince myself this is just a friendship between them. But it seems to be developing and that's what's making me worried. Or I could just be blowing this out of all proportion. Very confused.

Look at it this way:

Historically he used to talk about her and what she was doing.

Does he do this with all of his friends?

he goes to lunch with her every day - I know as I see them together in the staff canteen

Every single day? You all work at the same place, do you ever have lunch with your DH? Do you ever walk over and sit with DH and his friend for lunch? What would happen if you did? Does the friend ever speak with you?

I think they go for drinks every Friday night and when I last went overseas for work I saw he met her for dinner

Does he go out with other friends? When do you spend time with your DH? Do you ever join him when he's going out with friends, make it a couples evening?

I've also seen messages where she has suggested he stay over with her so he can get away earlier on a business trip (her place is nearer the station than ours). He refused saying I would go mad

Is she married or in a relationship? Would you offer for a male friend to stay overnight with you? The fact your DH 'refused saying I would go mad' sounds like he knew this wasn't appropriate. Did he ever discuss the situation with you? How did she respond when he refused to stay overnight?

He receives cards and presents from her which he tries to hide and on New Years Eve he texted her exactly at midnight before saying a word to me.

Why is he hiding cards and presents from his friends? What were the presents? Did he text anyone else at midnight or just this particular friend?

He has now deleted all messages from her and has started carrying his phone with him everywhere. It's always in his pocket.

Why has he suddenly started doing this? Is there something to hide?

There are so many questions here OP. You should be able to discuss these openly with your DH. If this has been going on for years I think it's time to have a word and get things out in the open. Don't sulk, just speak with him. Do you and DH normally speak openly with each other about things?

I think you have genuine concerns. I would speak to DH about these and see what he says. Good luck!

Thanks, wtfpeople. DH is not a great communicator- he does keep himself to himself so he doesn't usually chat about personal things or conversations with friends. That said, he usually tells me he is going out with his mates and I ask him about their news which he shares- though not in any great detail.

Re. lunch, he usually tells me he is too busy to eat with me unless it's my birthday for example. When I see them together, I have tried to go over a couple of times but get such angry looks from them both I don't want to cause a scene. She has never spoken to me but clearly knows who I am.

He does go out with other friends, say on a monthly basis and I sometimes join them. For years I didn't as I stayed home to look after the children. We do go out together every now and then. It's getting easier as the kids have got older. We even managed two weekends away together last year. This is probably our biggest problem- making time for each other. Not easy when he leaves for work at 7am and doesn't come back until 8pm, he's out every Friday and our weekends have always been children/domestics focussed.

She's single. I've only ever offered our joint male mates to stay over for the night and DH was with me when I offered. He didn't talk about her offer and I didn't see her response as the texts were quickly deleted.

He shows me all the other cards/gifts he receives. She usually buys him a bottle of wine or something which isn't unusual if they are really just friends.

He only texted her on NYE.

I know we need to talk but feel I need to make an appointment to do so and I can already hear him saying this is my problem, that he needs and deserves some 'me' time. A lot of our conversations end abruptly with him saying he's not interested in what I have to say. So I don't say much these days.

Will try and talk to him but just don't know where to start without raising his hackles.

I have tried to go over a couple of times but get such angry looks from them both I don't want to cause a scene. She has never spoken to me but clearly knows who I am.

I didn't see her response as the texts were quickly deleted.

A lot of our conversations end abruptly with him saying he's not interested in what I have to say. So I don't say much these days.

don't know where to start without raising his hackles

These are all red flags IMO. Sorry OP, I know this isn't easy to hear.

I would start off by saying something like 'DH, I've been thinking it would be nice to spend more time together. Why don't we make plans to go to dinner on Friday night?' If he says no because he has plans with friend I would say 'Ok, what about next Friday?' Or 'Why don't we have lunch tomorrow at work?' If he says 'no' again I would have a conversation about him prioritising 'friends' instead of you (his wife). How can he be 'too busy' to have lunch with you but still have time to eat with this woman every day?

The fact this woman hasn't ever spoken to you even though you see her daily and she spends a lot of time at and out of work with your husband would bother me. Also the fact that DH doesn't seem to want you and this woman to talk or spend time together would bother me. I know people need their own friends, but let's face it if you were having lunch with a single man every day, going out with him every Friday night, you were hiding gifts from him, he was asking you to stay over, etc would your husband think that was appropriate?

Are you generally happy in your marriage OP? Do you have your own friends apart from DH? Do you think DH is happy in the marriage? If this is a marriage you both want then you both need to put effort in and try to make it work. I say this as it sounds like you are making more of an effort than DH atm and it would bother me if he was using 'too busy with work' as and excuse when he's spending more and more out of work hours with or texting to a colleague. He needs to get his priorities straight and you shouldn't be scared to talk with your husband.

I tried to have a chat last night - he told me to leave him alone..

It's not good is it OP