Letting go

[Another0neseekingadvice]

I am hoping wise mners will be able to get me out of the muddle I am getting myself in. Years ago whilst at school my son was bullied and there was a nasty violent racial incident as well.

Following all this he struggled with depression ocd and intrusive thoughts. And I as a result I turned into an over protective mother to the extent that my anxiety would go through the roof if he was out when at uni, I would be constantly ringing him and worrying to the extent of making myself ill and my son in the end stopped going out which is major mistake on my part as the result is isolation.

It’s all been a mess, mainly because I haven’t handled situations well and give him the support he needed mentally to get over the awful incidents. He is now trying to rebuild his life. Until Xmas hols I spoke with him everyday and now he has decided to reduce contact, which makes sense he needs to grow as an individual. And I need to let him grow.

He has agreed to talk to me once a week or so, which is ok. But the problem is my anxiety is getting the better of me. He doesn’t do social media so unless he contacts me I have no way of knowing that he is ok. It has been 5 days since I last spoke with him and my mind is going crazy and I am just wasting my time staring at the phone waiting for his call.

I was never a helicopter parent until those horrible incidents happened, and now I jus don’t know how to get out of this state I’ve got myself into and let him grow instead of letting my anxiety cause problems for him like it has over the last few years.

Have you told all this to your GP? You might find that some medication will help, even if only for z short time. It's really important that your son feels able to branch out and live his own life, so we'll done for minimising his contact, that's a great first step.

Thanks IAm, I haven't approached the GP about this, will look into it. I have today tried to get online CBT sessions sorted out hopefully that will help.

Worrying constantly and obsessively checking whatsapp, gtalk etc as to when he logged on last etc I realise is not healthy. I just need my brain to understand that there is nothing I can do but give him the space he has asked for and respect the boundaries he has put in place :(

Why don’t you suggest a WhatsApp chat that he messages you once a day, even if only to say hi and tell what he is doing?

I was a little like this when DS started uni, but quickly learnt to reign in my anxiety and know that he is sensible and he had housemates who would contact us in an emergency.

Unfortunately we had a sudden death of a young adult in the family last spring which has brought my anxiety back up. DS is on a placement year, lives with 3 others but sometimes on his own at weekends. We are in habit of just exchanging WhatsApps once or twice a day, which helps me. I also worry when DD (on gap year) is out and about and driving, but again, a quick message to say she has arrived somewhere helps.

I think you need to rationalise things, and tell yourself that incidents are very rare and that if something is going to happen, worrying won’t stop it. The sudden death actually took place in their home, with a parent in next room.

Both mine intend to travel, so I know that I have to be able to cope then.

Thanks Sophie, "if something is going to happen, worrying won’t stop it", this is exactly what I need to work through and get my brain to agree on. Hopefully the CBT sessions will help me work through this and change my ways.

As to whatsapp, he tends not use the smart phone much partly due to me ringing him on it obsessively. Hopefully in time we will get to a stage where he can msg me once a day for now I need to wait for him to contact me don't I, instead of checking flights and train times. Its crazy, I just wish I had protected him better when he was at school :(

It does come down to what you said about worrying isn't going to fix anything, it has become an obsession and I need to find ways to change this habit. Thank you so much for responding, i can't imagine what the other parents are going through :(

Reading it again i am talking like I have an idea of what I need to do, maybe I do but I really don’t know how to bring about the change in mind set and change my obsessive habits. Will try contacting the GP tomorrow. Thanks again