Sleep hell

[Costumebaby]

Hi. New to Mumsnet and parenthood. Our little one arrived on Christmas Day 2018. One week early. Eight days in and both myself and wife (husband writing for help and advice/support too) are lucky if we have got two hours a day. To add insult to injury, our little boy is a screaming T-Rex when he gets going. Changed, check. Fed, check. Burped, yup. Inconsolable for up to 4/5 hours at a time with no breaks in the screaming. Luckily we both work from home so we have each other and our supportive cat but that’s it. My wife had stitches so isn’t as mobile as I am, but I can’t feed baby unless expressed...which is proving tough to even find the time to do this when we have business to run, cat to feed, home to manage, meals etc. No friends close and parents not really mobile enough to help or even get to us.

Anyone in Matlock or close by experiencing our agony? Advice? My wife is handling things well but I am getting a little down as I can’t really help her feed baby at the moment. Feeling terribly guilty.

Thanks.

Ok. Where does he settle? On you, in a sling, in the car? Never?

How is weight gain?

Could it be reflux? Is he better if held upright?

I remember and probably have ptsd from the early weeks! Dd is 8 months now and it’s so much easier.
Small babies cluster feed so feeding marathons are normal.
My dd screamed for hours every evening for the first few weeks.
Infacol helped. As did encouraging napping in sling.
What would have helped me most was being able to sit and feed without feeling guilty. Could you discuss who does what. If DP had taken over housework it would have really helped instead of trying to express so he could help with feeding. If breastfeeding it’s best to just do it a lot!
It does all get easier as baby learns to feed and sleep and you get better at anticipating their needs.

You aren’t doing anything wrong. Babies can take up a lot of time and vary from easy to moody exhausting!

Post natal depression is a thing for men so keep an eye out and speak to go if you feel worse.

Otherwise don’t be down, you can help by looking after you an your family. You can take baby for a walk, do bathtime, do household jobs nd don’t forget to enjoy your screaming bundle. Soon you will get smiles and then lovely chubby arm cuddles!

On a serious note, I’m in mendip and my door is always open!

It's unusual for an 8 day old to cry that much, colic usually starts later.

What's his weight gain like?
What does the midwife say?
Is he feeding at least 10-12 times in 24 hours, offered both breasts at each feed?

My daughter had reflux and was a terrible sleeper and screamed a lot.
It was AWFUL! I feel your pain.

We realised that she hated being flat on her back so we got an Amby Hammock and she settled much better in it.

Just do whatever you can to get through it - and keep saying "this too shall pass!".

Weight gain good. Midwife seems to think all is okay. Does both breasts. Feeds well. Everything else okay. But absolutely cannot lay on back for more than 10 seconds without eruption. He only sleeps in arms or next to wife after feed. But we won’t co sleep so that means I have watch wife sleep, ergo, I don’t. She takes over and that’s when my guilt sinks in. I can’t sleep knowing my wife isn’t and having to deal with the little monster alone.

Muddleduck

Thank you.

It could be reflux - dts had it and it was horrendous - but it could also just be an 8 day old baby.

Are you both trying to work with an 8 day old in the house?

Most newborns will only sleep next to their mum. Honestly I wouldn't have managed the sleep deprivation - I coslept safely and ensured we all got some sleep. Particularly with babies 2&3, I couldn't afford to make life harder for myself.

Why don't you look up safer bedsharing. If you sleep elsewhere then a breastfed baby sleeping with its mother is very safe if you follow the guidelines.

We went through something similar. We were determined not to cosleep and do did shifts. However after I almost fell asleep on the sofa with DS (which is the most dangerous thing to do) I looked up safe bed sharing, kicked DH in to the spare room and cracked on. It really helped.

DS would not be put down, ever at all until 8 months.

Maybe if you decide it’s your wife’s job to feed the baby, and it’s yourjob to feed your wife. Lots of snacks that canbe eaten with one hand, (while holding the baby inthe other).

My wife is totally against doing co sleeping. We lost a baby last year and it devastated us. Now we have this little guy, emotions and protection levels are through the roof. I guess I’m just reaching out for some reassurance. Thanks all for the kind replies. We are normally ultra ‘go with the flow’ but every plan we had for dealing with baby has gone out the window ha ha.

Congrats to you both.
Repeating what other have said, check if it's reflux. Have you got a side cot? They are brilliant for lying baby down with you cuddling with one hand. I had a winter baby too, mattresses are so cold in comparison to body heat. Wrap baby up well and try preheating cot with hot water bottle?

Last days

MW doesn’t seem the think it’s reflux and we have a snuzpod but he refuses to lie in it. I guess we just want ‘the’ answer...but realise there is 100 differences for each baby. I think sleep deprivation has hurt us badly.

Try swaddling. And accept for a few weeks this is your new normal. If you know you are fucked till Feb it somehow feels easier than expecting it to be better soon. Power on, sleep when you can, it does get better. Mine was a fucking nightmare till 9 weeks, never did more than 1 hr sleep at a time, thought I was going to die. She's a teenager, we both lived. Congrats on your new addition!!

I thought there would be an answer too when I couldn’t get my baby to sleep in the Snuzpod or in a Sleepyhead or anywhere that wasn’t my arms. It nearly broke me until my HV suggested co-sleeping. I actually fell asleep next to my baby as she was screaming in the sleepyhead because I was so exhausted I knew I couldn’t safely hold her and I couldn’t stay awake any longer. I had my hand on her for reassurance but it wasn’t enough. I thought there must be some way of being able to put her down without her waking and I was just getting it wrong. There wasn’t. I tried EVERYTHING that people suggest. Some babies just need physical contact. I completely understand why you’re against co-sleeping so you need to find other ways to manage. My husband looked after me and I looked after the baby. Could you take the baby out in the pram or a sling for an hour so your wife could sleep? Or once your wife has fed her could you take a turn at cuddling so your wife rests? You can’t both be awake 24/7, it just doesn’t work. It’ll get better, but potentially not for a few months and you can’t both stay awake that long so you need to find a system that works for you. Shifts probably - your wife has to do the feeding but she doesn’t always have to be the person the baby sleeps on.

I have been there!!! It's such a huge shock and nothing can prepare you for the sleep deprivation. It is brutal. It will seem like this never changing long, old sleepless, exhausting slog but I promise you, it will get better. You will both find your feet and you both will, eventually, catch up on sleep. I promise. My boy is 8 months old now and it feels like a lifetime ago it was that crazy, sleepless fog.

It will get better. Just keep going. Hit zombie mode and relax all expectations. Congratulations on your new arrival.

Congratulations on your baby!

Buy the reflux wedge from amazon or the wedge hog website. Baby may have reflux and it will help to keep baby tilted so acid flows down the way with gravity. It's easy days and it may not be reflux but worth an option I think. We discovered it at 8 weeks and I will be using it for my next baby from day 1.

Also keep upright for 20 mins after a feed.

Oh and our little one turned out to have severe reflux which was a symptom of his CMPA - health visitor didn't pick up a thing so I wouldn't just trust them blindly.

Amazing answers everyone. It’s so nice to hear something positive when my mind is starting to give in. Thank you for your time in responding. It’s easy to feel so alone.

My best bit of advice (and it's the hardest) is to take it in shifts. Stick to a solid hour sleep each in seperate rooms. One zombie is better than two zombies. Stock the fridge with really easy good food, send washing for a service wash, be as decadent as you can afford to make it easier for yourself. This phase will pass very soon.

Everyone who had a baby before me told me that it will get better 6/8 weeks is the turning point, I didn't believe or more like didn't want to believe them as the sleepless nights seemed to be getting longer and longer but guess what they were right and I can't now believe I'm passing this advice on :) it will get easier, I remember day 5 cluster feeding every 40 mins like it was yesterday and my baby is 10 months now, there will be hard times, it does seem impossible at times but stick with it you are doing your best. X

I clearly remember when my daughter was a week old, I was so exhausted and in pain that I said to my husband "HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS? AND WHY THE HELL DO THEY CHOOSE TO DO IT MORE THAN ONCE???!!!".

(We now have 2 kids. The second was much more chilled than. The first. Total luck of the draw though - I didn't do anything differently!)