Nursery: I'm being one of "those" mums!

[HammerHorror]

DS (3 years) and DD (2 years) go to a tiny, family run rural nursery. There's two rooms: baby room and toddler room.

Until DS turned 3 they were in the baby room together. They were very happy, excited to go everyday, happy at drop off & pick up, we were happy with their care, lovely key workers, it was all wonderful and we felt so comfortable leaving them while we were at work.

When DS turned 3 he moved up to the toddler room. The toddler room places more demands on the children and pushes them for more independence and more adult led activities - that's all great.

DS has started to get really anxious about going. He's having tantrums in the morning and delaying the inevitable by any means. He says he doesn't like the room lead but can't explain why.

We initially thought it was due to the increased demands and he was tired.

Before Christmas we got his "report" saying he wasn't yet speaking in sentences and unable to answer questions or follow instructions - it was a bit of a grim read as it didn't sound like him nor like his reports from the baby room.

DS was prem and poorly and he has a very mild language delay - so mild that most people wouldn't notice.

DS can be quite an anxious child. When he's anxious his processing slows down or he struggles to understand or formulate sentences. So I'm thinking that he's spending his days at nursery feeling anxious and unable to process instructions and questions, and unable to communicate.

I want to chat with nursery about this but I'm also very conscious that I don't want to be one of "those mums"...

"Oh but my little darling is extra sensitive so please be extra nice"

And I know he's got to be ready for school but he's got 20 months before he starts school and anxiety isn't going to make him ready for school!

Am I being precious? What should I do?

I feel so awful for him but I don't want to be unrealistic about life. Help!

Of course you can have a chat to them about how best to support him and make sure he’s happy, it’s what they’re there for.

From my experience nursery always try to help support the child where needed and every time I've spoken to my nursery about my child they've been very happy to help with certain things - naptimes, potty training etc. Have a chat with them and see how things go.

Just tell them that he seems to be having a tough time adjusting to the change. They may have some suggestions for helping.

Never be worried about talking to them about any concerns you have. It's your job to speak up for your child. They deal with this stuff every day

They've always been very supportive and approachable. DS has been going for 2 years and we've always been very happy.

I don't want it to come across as a criticism of anyone.

I don't want it to come across as being oversensitive or unrealistic.

I visit many nurseries in a professional capacity and when I speak to some of the key workers after a parent has raised a concern they can be a bit dismissive. "Timmy's mum thinks he doesn't like sensory play" eye roll... that type of thing. However, these are nurseries that I usually leave thinking "thank fuck I didn't send my kids here".

Not sure I'm making any sense!!

Do talk to them. I'm always talking to the nursery workers about my son and his place in the group. He has a significant language delay, possible language development impairment and I need to know how well he's coping in a group situation, especially as he is going to school this April and we're working on getting him in the best place possible with his communication.

How long has he been in the toddler room? It's a big change for them, so if it's fairly recent then he might just need to settle in. If the communication and language issues don't go away, I would consider seeing a SALT for some advice. Also, has his hearing been tested? It could be that in a noisier room with more going on, he might not actually hear stuff. Does he have lots of colds? Ear infections?

@foxyfemke I'm a SALT. I feel a bit of a nobhead pulling the salt card in a personal capacity though.

He's got a very slight delay which is remarkable considering his health problems at birth. He's progressing really well. That's why I'm more concerned - I'm scared his progress might falter with this anxiety. He's started to stammer (normal non-fluency) when he's trying to answer questions. I think he's feeling pressured to reply before his brain has planned what to say.

@HammerHorror, I'm a SALT in training and I've just done an early years placement, hence the questions!

It sounds like it is an anxiety issue more than anything. Is there any way they can help him with that at all? Good news is that you still have 20 months till he starts school, so I think lots of time to address any issues. Must be hard though, and I feel your concern. But, talk to them. Ask them if they can help him with the anxiety and if not, maybe they know someone who can.

@foxyfemke that's exciting! Did you want to do SLT because of your son's language delay? How are you finding the course?

I was thinking of printing the BSA normal non-fluency advice sheet and giving it to them... I feel so awkward talking about his language: like I'm blurring the personal/professional lines.

He's been in the toddler room for a couple of months. Plenty of time to have settled in.. especially as it's a small nursery and he's familiar with all of the children and adults. His hearing is fine.

He sometimes answers questions 5-10 seconds after they've been asked. He needs people to be quiet and wait. When the question gets repeated he has to start processing all over again.

When he's anxious he just can't process anything.

I have these waking nightmares that he's not following instructions because he can't process and the toddler room leader just keeps repeating herself at him and getting pissed off and he's just standing there on his own knowing she's pissed off but not knowing why and feeling alone.

@HammerHorror, that's awful for you. Do you get a verbal report of his day at all? How is he when you collect him?

To be honest, I would give them the advice sheet. I understand about blurring lines, but it's your kid and it's good for them to know that stuff anyway. I had a very awkward situation in my placement when my placement tutor did a training on SLT for nursery workers and I attended too, only to find the room filled with my son's nursery workers!

The course is great, hard work though as it's part self-study as it's designed for mature students. I've always found language development fascinating, and when my son was a baby we saw a dysphagia specialist as my son was tube fed for a few months and that's when it started for me. We've been seeing an SLT for him for almost 2 years now and that's when I really thought I needed to do this and am now in my 2nd year.

If they’re a decent nursery they’ll listen to your concerns and come up with some tactics to help him out and support him. I’d consider myself a very laid back parent but have spoken to my DD’s nursery for less! They’re there to help nurture your child.

I would talk to them. I would also ask, following their report, what they intend to do to help him talk more in sentences and such like. It may be they've forgotten the whole how to let children have a short while to process what is being asked. I run a pre school and sometimes have to remind my staff to take a breath and let the children think about what you are asking.

I would say to them he is struggling with the transition and ask them how they can help him to make it easier and I don't think you are being 'that parent'. I would always appreciate a parent talking to me when their child is struggling. It wouldn't matter if you are a SALT as you are a parent first who has some concerns about their child and you are willing to work with them to help him in any way.

The room leader leaves before I collect and hand over is always done by the baby room leader/DD's key worker. She does see DS throughout the day and says he's been playing this and that, or doing an activity, what he's eaten, etc.

They have written daily diaries which document food, sleeps, toileting etc and and briefly what activities they've done.

At his 2year check the HV said about referring him to SLT and I just thought of the horror of being referred to a PCI course which was being lead by my own colleagues!!

I need to script what to say to nursery.

• he isn't settling after two months
• he's anxious
• remind them his processing is slow and he needs people to wait and listen
• advise on visuals
• maybe they can find some "jobs" for him to do in the baby room so he has a bit more access to his old key workers

Please please correct me if I'm wrong but in the nicest way I'm getting the signal that you think his new key worker may have a part in this? Or that she's not as good as his old one?

This may be the case as obviously all people are different but may be worth thinking about how you approach it if it is something to do with her. Don't want to scare you buy could make it worse? :(

What concerned me about the report was that it read like the room leader doesn't know him... she'd made lovely suggestions about what to work on next (simple wh- questions, concepts, why/because) but he doesn't need to work on that.

He just needs someone to wait and listen... but I don't want it to come across as a criticism.

I don't want it to come across that I'm asking for special treatment but he needs to feel calm and safe so he communicate effectively.

I'll see if anyone is around at pick up to have a chat for half an hour.

@Russell19 sort of... I think she's very different to his old key worker. I think she needs to be because the baby KW is all about nurturing and the toddler KW is getting them ready for school.

I think new/toddler KW is more of a teacher. A child like DS needs nurturing... DD is quite the opposite. I think she'd be ready for the toddler room now so I'm not being precious because he's my 'baby'. He's just needs a bit of extra security and emotional development... he's only 3... now so I sound like "those mums"!!!

I don't want to cast blame and I don't think she's shit. I just think she needs to adapt her communication style with DS because it's making him feel anxious.

I think that's probably part of the issue, a new key worker who just doesn't get him. And what tapdancingmum said, some very good suggestions.

Ok, I am a reception teacher and would say Early years education is still massively about nurturing so I agree he definitely needs this...they all do!

I'm just thinking from the point of view that she might get defensive. I would firstly speak to her directly so you may need to arrange a time to see her. Maybe go at it from the angle of seeking her advice on what exactly can you do at home to help (just to get more info from her). Say the report has worried you as previous reports have been glowing, you know expectations are higher but you thought he was ready etc. After a bit of discussion I would then add in that his behaviour at home has changed and he seems anxious....ask her is that normal in transition stage and shouldn't it have passed by now?

This will put thoughts into her mind without you actually saying she needs to be more patient and listen.

How much transition work did they do between rooms? It really sounds like it wasn't enough.

Being completely honest, who cares if you look like one of "those" parents. You have a report which you feel as his mum, and a professional in SALT, doesn't reflect him or his needs. You pay them to look after your child and are concerned about what you have read.

Speak to them. Make them understand. Ask can they get some extra assistance if needed (from outside agencies) or a relevant body.

Different story but same outcome - my son had an allergy. I'm certain some just thought "Oh it's only a milk allergy"

There were a few occassions where he took a crafty sip of something... then a new keyworker (to the nursery and DS) and new room and in the space of say 6 sessions he had been given milk products on 2 occassions and also fell banging his head leaving a huge lump and graze. They didn't call me and only mentioned when I called to say it would be me instead of DH at pick up(I pick up later) get it was the size of an egg.

WRT to the milk incidents, I spoke with, and worked with the keyworker, room manager and nursery manager and they implemented changes, with some suggestions from me, acrioss the nursery for all children's dietary needs.

Nothing will change i you don't say something.

When he left, I said to his keyworker I was sorry if I had been one of "those" mums. She told me that I was brilliant - that I gave input, feedback and also took things on board too.

That's great advice, @Russell19 .

I don't want her getting defensive and I also don't want to make her feel shitty.

He was spending one afternoon a week in the toddler room for a term before his 3rd birthday. It's only a 2 room nursery so the children all have meals together and share the outside space. It's got a fairly high staff:child ratio.

You're right @cjt110

If I was representing him as his SLT I'd be all over the nursery without a single regard of their opinions about me.. I feel very different as a mother!

I obviously haven't observed a session or anything to make an informed judgement. It's just my own conclusions from the report, his behaviour, things he's said, etc.

She wrote a report that is true to her observations but that isn't how he is at home, when he's with his friends, or how he was in the baby room. So I'm just connecting the dots.

I think I'll try the stealth/implanting thoughts method. State my own observations that he's anxious and is there something they can advise.

@HammerHorror We found quite oten the reports on our son didn't reflect him as we saw him - they showed him, throughout the nursery years as aggressive - he wasn't ever like that at home - through to angelic when he was throwing major wobblers at home. He is our only child and as such, his interaction at home was very different than amongst 24 other kids.

Now he's at school, we just kinda take it as it comes.

We had this. Our son was like a different person at nursery. He just really really didn’t get on with some of the people who worked there. Honestly some children are just very sensitive to other people. The best thing you can do for everyone is go in and have a chat.

Hi, I think it's really important you go and and talk to the nursery. They need to know this information- it will help them understand your DS better and make everyones lives happier / easier including theirs.

It doesn't need to be a complaint at all, just say "thanks for the honesty of your report, but I wanted to explain that some of this is a result of 'xyz' and if you do 'abc' hopefully things will improve. If things still don't improve, please let me know asap and I will look into further help for DS"

They will be happy to have any extra information.

I think you've answered your own question OP. The sort of nursery who would dismiss a parent's observations is not the sort you would want your child at. It doesn't sound like this is that sort of nursery at all from what you've said so far.

You sound utterly reasonable. You wouldn't be saying they're doing a bad job, they're just getting to know him and in a busy environment where he may not be being his normal self for whatever reason. You're adding more data to their observations. Tell them what works at home too, why wait for them to rediscover the wheel when you can save them the effort. You're all on the same team here.

If they are good childcare providers they will be happy to discuss and concerns you have. When my ds (then 3) was at nursery and I remember asking to meet with them because he just seemed really sad which was so unlike him and I was worried. They took me so seriously and really made a big effort to improve things (turns out his bff was just on holiday so he was missing her!)