I parent better without my DH around.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

Christmas has been quite difficult. I have lost my temper a lot as the kids have been overstimulated and the youngest has been throwing tantrum after tantrum and screaming whenever asked to do something.
DH has gone back to work today and I was dreading it but actually now he has gone I feel calmer in some way.
DH is no more strict than I am (we could both do with shouting less) and he isn't a bad partner or parent, but he does sit at his computer and ignore(or is oblivious to) me struggling sometimes when trying to cook/clean and referee the kids at the same time and this fuels my anger which results in me shouting at the kids.
He went away with work for a few days in December and I found it easier in some ways as I knew it was all down to me. I wasn't expecting anyone to jump in and help me and wasn't frustrated by the fact that my life could be made easier if he stepped up and helped.

IF I asked DH to do something he would do it without complaint. But he is an adult and if it was the other way around I wouldn't sit waiting for him to say he needed help, I would observe and intervene if I saw him struggling.

Do I treat him like a child and just keep asking him to do stuff? We could talk about it but he won't say much. He asked me what my NY resolution was the other day and I said to get him to help me around the house more. He went quiet and said nothing for ages. No agreement etc.

For context, there are nights when I pick up both kids from different places (and always at least one), take them home and cook tea and then put them both to bed. These days he just brings himself home and is pretty much waited on. Easier days I might only get one of the kids, cook tea and we put one each to bed. He is still getting more rest and less responsibility even on my easier days.

I should have said that the washing and dishwasher is mainly done by me on in the evening too. He does do the washing about twice a week and the dishwasher a bit more.

Well then he isn’t a good partner or parent is he?

You’re carrying the mental load and the vast majority of the work. It’s easier when he isn’t around because you aren’t reminded of this.

He needs to step up, and you need to stop doing everything until he does.

Sit him down, and get HIM to make the list of his 50%. That would be after the flamethrower for sitting on the PC being unhelpful. I've had that flamethrower, and while painful, it cleared the air remarkably. Don't intervene until he asks for help either.

t’s easier when he isn’t around because you aren’t reminded of this.

Nail on the head here! This is exactly how I feel. This year is going to be different.
He said the other day he will sort lunches for work. I am hoping this is him stepping up.
He isn't really organised enough for this but I am not going to save him. I will order a few soups for me to take and he can do the rest. Hopefully after a week or two he will realise how much I have been doing.

I’m a much better parent and nicer person generally since (X)H went - not that I’m advocating you LTB here.

But don’t underestimate the effect his behaviour could be having on you. I was living in a physically permanently heightened state thanks to the stress of having a partner who was basically a teenager, who expected me to parent him as well as out 4DCs. You DH is an adult and needs to act like one, not shift all the responsibility over to you - as though you are the only parent in this set up.

The pair of you need to get this sorted because it can have a very negative impact.

Thanks Nicknames.
I am going to explain to him that this is why I am so miserable.
He has joked before about how I have 3 children not 2 so to extent he knows how that I am doing the lions share.

It’s worse that he knows but doesn’t care.

Talk to him. Talk to him about what needs to be done and agree who is going to do what. Then stick to it.

I have a teenage son who doesn’t do his jobs. They are his responsibilities. I will swim through the recycling before taking it out. Drives me mad but I don’t want him to be a shit partner later on.

I parent much better without DH here. Me and DD just have our own way of doing things as he works away so often. I feel a bit like he’s interfering when he’s home.

I had the same unfortunately. Just stay calm and keep reminding him he's an adult and should be doing his fair share of the grown up stuff. Walk away if you're getting upset. But come back to the subject later when you're calmer. Sometimes it is helpful (if not ideal as he shouldn't need to be told) to ask them to do specific things. It's taken me a very long time but my DH is so much better than he was.

Agree with a pp. I'm also not saying LTB but my exh was like this and when we divorced my life was so much easier. I had one less person to pick up after.

I hope your talk goes well.

I parent much better without DH here. Me and DD just have our own way of doing things as he works away so often. I feel a bit like he’s interfering when he’s home.

This. Ds and I have our loose routine, a way of doing things, I'm able to keep on top of things and we have time to play together. Dh has been off one job for a fortnight, but took extra shifts for his other (without telling me first) so was home in the day, but has just complained incessantly that he's had no time off. He's been in the way, doesn't listen, was bored so has rearranged my fucking kitchen cupboards to suit him! I'm glad to see the back of him this morning.

He just text asking if we are okay and I text back saying I am unhappy and that I need him to take on more so that I am not constantly stressed. He has suggested I do a me and DD washing and he does him and DS. This is not going to work as there are only about 3 hours between getting home some nights and going to bed! Not time to do 2 washing loads!

Do you need a full load of washing each a day?

If he doesn't want to do his bit then he won't see what needs doing.

What needs to happen is that when he's home one of you looks after the kids while the other sorts dinner. One of you would then clean up on the kitchen and tidies up toys while the other does bed time etc. Now this is obvious stuff to most of us but as I said , if he doesn't want to see it then he won't.

And why can't he just put a load of washing on for everyone? Separating members of the household is nonsense.

I'm sorry this is so frustrating for you op.

Yes because DS uniform is always filthy as is DD from nursery, DH never wears his uniform more than once and then we have gym kits, towels, bedding etc.

We can usually miss a day at the weekend but DS only has 2 jumpers/trousers so a wash is needed often for these.

I’m confused as to why there would need to be 3 loads of washing every night and only 4 people living in the house.

Why doesn’t your DH take on all the laundry duties then? By splitting it by person you’re doubling the workload. He does the laundry - from gathering it up dirty to putting it away clean.

If he doesn’t do it, you all go to school/work dirty/smelly/crumpled.

Oh dear he sounds pretty lazy. I also feel the same when someone is there but not helping, it's like they are rubbing it in. This mainly happens to me at work though.

At home I actually parent better with DH there. When he's there I want to seem like I'm a great parent so I spend all the time reading books with dc, doing counting, colours, alphabet, etc. When he's not there I still do those things a bit but we also watch TV or dc plays by themselves while I read.

when we find ourselves in this situation it seeps into other areas of the relationship. How do you find your life partner attractive when you have a brooding resentment? When they treat you like they are your child? How can you want to be intimate with someone who does this, and how can they expect any intimacy when you are exhausted from carrying the mental/physical/work load.

It isn’t just a ‘who does what’ problem, but how you see and treat each other as a loving couple. Why is he happy to sit back and watch you do it all? Why isn’t he saying ‘let’s get it done so we’ve got more time together’. If my XH had recognised his behaviour we might have stood a chance. Some respect would have gone a long way.

It goes beyond the laundry/dishes.

I have suggested we recycle clothes and reduce wash loads and that one person is doing these jobs whilst the other does bedtime for both kids.
It definitely impacts on our relationship but I don’t think he sees it. I am hoping I can show him by getting him to help out.