How to distance from an increasingly negative friend when work is involved

[starplan]

I have been friends with this person for quite a few years. In the time I've known them they have significantly increased their drinking. They say it's a way for them to cope with their depression. Around once a month they tell me they are suicidal. This is usually when they are extremely drunk.

If I don't respond in a way they think suitable they become abusive. I will say things like have you thought about professional help/ how about trying to cut down a little as alcohol is a depressant etc. Nothing controversial and I'm always caring. I've found when I spend time with them I drink more too but I don't want this to continue. I really love my friend but for want if a better phrase I feel dragged down.

I have tried really hard to help, offered to attend any appointments to help improve their mental health but once sober they dismiss there is an issue.

They also have no issue finding fault with me but if the situation was reversed they would literally go ballistic. Another issue I have is I work with this person and they are senior to me. It feels like what used to be a fun friendship has got dark pretty quickly.

Any advice would be appreciated.

That's not a friend, that's an abuser. Cut her out of your life, and look for a new job. If you like your job, make sure your phone is recording while you're in her presence.

Wow, do you think so, I honestly didn't expect that type of reply. To other people that don't know this side of her she is extremely popular. Without the drink, she's a fantastic person.

Do you have to go out drinking with her? Can you just keep things professional in the office?

Yes - avoid the late night drinking! Either don't go to the pub at all or leave after a couple of drinks on the grounds you're trying to cut down/have to sort out X at home/your verucca is playing up or whatever.

I would echo what others have said and really distance yourself, you need to be careful about professional/friendship boundaries at work anyway - but this is way over the line.

From experience these are extremely difficult to work through in work, soits more straightforward if you find another role away from them.

Time to take a step back I think. When the drinking starts make your excuses and leave before she gets to that depressed and suicidal point.

Sorry, I can see I wasn't clear, I do go out sometimes but the majority of the time I get texts from her when she's been drinking. That's when she will be very down. I think she's drunk every day to varying levels :(

You do need to step back. When she is sober tell her that you can't help her when she is texting you all the time so you are no longer going to respond. You have become her crutch but you cannot save her. You have to remove that crutch and let her sink or swim on her own. Brutal I know but you can't be responsible for her.

That's kind of how it feels. For my own sanity I need to do this. I feel like everything is about her and her problems. I'm going to make an effort to distance myself socially. Thanks for the advice, all.

I would just stop replying to the texts. Or perhaps just send a standard bland response like "Sorry you feel like this :("