How much does OH help with baby?

[EyebagsOnLegs]

He’s not an arse he means well, it’s my second child his first so I have more experience tbf.
Babe’s 9mo and breastfed. He’ll drink milk and water from a cup but wants boob for naps, never wanted a bottle or dummy. It’s really hard for me to shower without baby and I’ve left the house maybe 5 times without him, max 15 minutes and all but once I had to get him to sleep first. I’ve been paying for a gym membership for 3 months that I can’t actually go to at all. I’ve had one hair cut but I fed baby to sleep first.
This evening I walked DS1 friend Home literally across the road, 5 minutes and DH was at the door shouting at me to hurry up, swearing and asking what took 10+ minutes. It’s getting better, sometimes I even go to the toilet alone now.
Baby moans and crawls to me (and up my legs) whenever he’s put down and calls me constantly. It’s like he’s a baby or something! 😉 of course I absolutely love this, but I’d like to be able to cook without asking if DH isn’t too busy to hold him for 2 minutes before “he just wants you”. I’d like an hour at the gym, I’m disabled and desperately need the rehab after pregnancy. I do all night feeds and 99.9% of nappies as he “can’t do cloth”. Never bathed him alone, stopped joining me to bath him very early on. My illness makes me completely stiff and almost immobile in the morning but it’s me taking baby downstairs all but maybe twice. I’m made to feel guilty for even asking, but of course DH goes to the gym, goes to see friends 3hrs away etc. I can’t even go back to work.

Am I being selfish? I’m definitely ranting, sorry. How much do your DHs do?

50-50. Definitely wouldn't have had 3 kids with him if not!

Wow please don't feel selfish at all in any way for wanting some time to go to the toilet or exercise so you're not in pain!! Have you tried speaking to him about how difficult this all is for you and how it'd be a lot of help if he stepped up a bit to help with baths, mornings, nappy changes and play time?? Doesn't sound much like he's given himself time to bond with baby and learn to care for them! I think a lot of fathers think they can go back to their pre-baby lives after a while and Mum will just get on with new life of milk and poop but he needs reminded that you're a person and not a baby caring machine

This is hard to answer as it feels like I would be gloating. As I think you already very well know your DP does very little. Of course if the baby is breastfed at times then there are restrictions on what your DP can do, but it’s obvious he could do a lot more.
He could easily take the baby downstairs on the weekends so that you can get a rest, or take a long bath, or both.
He could take the baby out for walks. He could have bloody learnt to change a nappy and handle cloth- that really takes the biscuit.
I was sore post birth and my DP just woke for each feed to pick up the baby and position him comfortably for me.
It must be such hard work on your own. And if you were on your own then I feel it might be easier to accept but to have ‘a partner’ there and still be alone must be galling.

Have you spoken to him about it?

Unfortunately I have spoken about it, I even mentioned today how I couldn’t have a shower after my c section for days because nobody would just sit with the baby and I was desperate. That that had set the precedent. He used to help at night while I was recovering, he’d get my cushions and food and drinks etc. Now he offers tea begrudgingly. He brought the baby down and gave him some porridge a few days ago so I can’t complain ever! He reckons it’s up to me to go to the gym etc but it’s literally 5 minutes and “he wants you”. He won’t take the buggy out (???) but will babywear (3 times) once for half an hour but I was cleaning then. He can drive, unlike me, and baby falls asleep in the car a lot. He could take him out, but won’t. Baby only feeds a couple of times a day now too (makes up for it hourly at night).

He's a dick and a terrible father. Do not have more children. His lack of experience is because he does fuck all, not because it's his first baby.

He does absolutely adore DS2 though, I’m wondering if it’s lasiness or lack of confidence. I’ve guided him through everything and been patient and so encouraging and full of compliments, I don’t know what else.

Adding that I had my first very young, single and homeless and never struggled to shower etc. I don’t know why it’s harder.

He needs to pull his finger out, yes. I imagine he just feels like he's being unkind to the baby by keeping baby away from you. My DH used to be like that when DD went through a clingy stage and would hand very back pretty much instantly. Try spending time with them both when DS is happy- give DS to DH and sit next to them, smile and talk to DS while he sits with his dad. Give DS across every chance you get, get ds used to being with dad more and having fun with dad. My DH became much more hands on when DD stopped crying every time he held her.

Baby isn’t a cuddly one, he’d much rather tear around the front room. If I leave the room he gets so upset or follows me. OH tells me he can’t get anything done unless I’m watching baby as he will stop everything (even eating) just to stare at a happy baby. He’ll pick him up if he’s upset but he comes to me again soon. Baby does always call dadad when in my arms and has practically jumped from me to him a few times today, so maybe that’ll help.

I don't mean to be horrible but your OH sounds like a lazy arsehole.

It does sound lazy I am afraid :( a breastfed newborn can be tricky but at 9 month my partner would be getting up with him, giving him breakfast etc. Just passing him back when it was time to bf. I was back at work and like you only my partner drove so he would be taking him to nursery while i got ready for work!