Bringing my child up NOT like my childhood

[IAmAlwaysLikeThis]

How can I ensure my daughter’s childhood is not like my own?

Emotions were never discussed. Ambitions were dismissed or laughed at (‘you? go to university? yeah right!’) Tiptoed around my mother’s moods which infect the entire house. Everyone moaning about jobs/colleagues/family/randomers. Most days out spoilt by arguments.

The major stuff I can do. We rarely argue. We discuss everything. I tell her I love her and support her in everything she does.

But I have (probably always will) have depression and some days I just can’t deal with the emotional stuff - I can get up, go to work, do the house stuff, play with her etc but I can’t be ‘lovely nice caring mum’ either. Not shouting or yelling or sulking but just not able to go for a nice walk or make crafts or talk a lot.

I worry she’ll end up feeling like I did with my mother, that I had to (still have to) tiptoe around.

I explain to her that I’m feeling unwell but that it’s not her fault. My husband is amazing, we’re very equal and he’ll spend more time with her on those days.

But the guilt never stops...

Didn’t want to read and run, but I think by acknowledging your own childhoods ‘quirks’ (or faults!) you’re on the right path to making your children’s better.

I’m in a similar situation and think my awareness of my parents faults pushes me to be different for my DC’s sakes.

No advice but I feel very similar. I don't want DSD growing up having a childhood like I did and DP feels the same about his childhood. Like you most of our days growing up were spoilt by arguments (always my fault, obviously), it was always their way or the highway, any difference of opinion was met with I'm right you're wrong mentality rather than just different people having different views. I really struggle some days on how to be completely different to my parents but it's hard with depression too.

You said you deal with the big stuff well so don't sweat the small stuff you don't have to be "on" all the time it is ok for her to not be having fun 24/7 andyou doing the normal day to day things it is healthy for kids to see this.

I strongly, strongly recommend decent therapy for you: my mother was determined that we would have a different childhood to hers - we did, but it was just a different kind of abusive.

She's not inherently a bad person, ie she didn't mean to cause us harm. But she did, and in my case, the effects of this have lasted to this day. If she had had some decent therapy (that wasn't really a thing back then) and worked through her own experiences, I think it would be a different story.

People will tell you your determination to be different is enough. My siblings and I would say that this isn't always the case

freddies thanks

poesy it’s hard isn’t it? When she cries, my heart breaks for her. If someone says something mean to her, I really get angry on her behalf. The thought of slapping down her ambitions is just mad to me! I’m sure she could president of the entire world if she wanted to be!

But I don’t want to go too far the other way and trsat her with kid gloves.

mrsj yes you’re right, I do try to just take it easy, give myself a break etc. Thank you.

hefzi i agree. My mum actually got the same stuff from HER mum but thinks she’s totally different which is why I worry.

I do get therapy! It helps to an extent but of course, it’s not a cure all (I wish!)

So where do you go for therapy, how much does t cost and is it just you reliving stuff and the therapists nodding their head and going “aha, mhm, yes?”

hmm I don’t know why you’re taking a bit of a chippy attitude towards it? TBH you’re talking to me like my mother talks to me.

I’m happy with my therapist. She gives me a lot to think about, we work on practical skills as well as her just listening sometimes. I’ve had a ton of different therapists and she’s by far the best.

I am not sure why you are giving the op a poke about her therapy Hmm surely what happens in her sessions even if it is as you say is the Op bussiness .

Huh? I was actually asking Hefzi, or the op, or anyone who has had therapy for such issues how it all works. I haven’t got a ‘chippy’ attitude towards it (whatever that means) and I wasn’t ‘giving the op a poke’ about going for therapy. I just wondered how the whole thing works. Sheesh.

hmm maybe think about how you word stuff and the appropriate places to ask questions?

If you have a question about how therapy works, start your own thread.

Sorry but your wording looked sarcastic and tbh belittiling

I was in a similar position and highly recommend the book "They F* You Up" by Oliver James.

This is normal. I think I tried to take the best and eliminate the worst from the way I grew up. I like to think I did my best and I definitely kicked out the stuff I didnt like, big time!

I feel similarly. I had a difficult mother, with emotional and physical abuse as the norm.

You're aware of the flaws in your childhood and I believe awareness is key. Also, you may make mistakes as a parent, I do and ensure i apologise to my sons.

Something I've learned is to parent the child in front of me, in that moment. Respond to their needs and who they are. I try not to get caught up in giving them what I never had, as it may be not what they need.

I still find myself overthinking things though, but keep trying to tell myself that trying my best is good enough.

Good luck OP. Parenting in this situation is bloody hard at times.

I don’t know why you think my question was sarcastic or belittling. I also don’t see anything wrong in asking a question about something Ive been pondering for a while (but only know what I’ve seen on tv) that is referred to in a thread but anyway, the op doesn’t want me to ask a question on her thread so I shall respect that and leave.

I’m in the same situation.

I didn’t even receive a Happy Birthday text, Christmas call, Happy New Year... nothing. Very horrible and traumatic childhood and toxic abuse trickled down through generations.

I always tell my children that I love them.
I never laugh at their ambitions
I’ll kiss and cuddle
Apologise when I’ve done wrong

If there are days when I’m feeling low, I drag myself out for a long walk because I know that fresh air helps. I ask for help from the GP, parenting course, counselling etc - my mum didn’t, she just drank.

We never had any days out with my mum. I can’t recall a single one. Only holidays at the refuge!
So I always arrange days out, not even expensive ones - just picnics and long walks. Bear hunt, Teddy Bear Picnics, collect wild flowers to make perfumes etc

I put certificates on the walls and attend every school attend (work permitting).

This is something I worry about as well.
Hefzi can you give examples re your mother? My mother was emotionally abusive and sometimes I worry if I'm heading down the same track just trying to parent. I don't know where the line is iyswim? For eg, 7 yo lost at snap and left the game. I asked if she didn't want another go as we have to take turns at winning and losing. She said no she just felt sad, so I said I thought that actually she was being a sore loser. Then I rethink that - is that emotionally abusive? Argh! Anyway I asked what would she like to play, so we played something else.
Sorry it's long, but I think if you've been brought up in a family where you are always on eggshells, and emotionally blackmailed constantly, it's hard to know what's normal! And I've had years of bloody therapy (depression, eating disorders, anxiety related).

It is hard to think there are some subconscious habits that are going to trip you up, even if you put a lot of thought into how you do things.

It’s also weirdly a concern of mine now that I’ve been NC for a few years. Like, I need reminders of what she was like to make sure I don’t do it...

I do not think, that telling calmly and explaining what a bad loser is and how in effects others is abusive.
If you take that line, everything is.

coolio I think I actually read that a while ago, I’ll have to give it another read, thanks for the recommendation.

kezzoe yes that’s a good way to think of it.

marshmallow “parent the child in front of me, in that moment” - yes, that makes sense. Try to just take it moment by moment and not push what I think they need.

pearls I am REALLY bad at asking for help. It’s one of my things I need to work on. So yes, I should work on that. Apologies (sincere ones, not my mother’s hysterical and continually justifying herself ones) are a big thing in our house. A long walk is always good, luckily my dog is always up for that so he encourages me!

newyear It’s VERY hard to know what’s normal isn’t it? I don’t trust myself at times. I have had to work so hard at not snapping at my husband (a habit picked up from my mother who snaps at everyone) or being sarcastic during arguments. I am doing much better but I do worry that I’ll find it harder the older she gets.

sweet that’s my biggest problem. sometimes I say stuff to my husband and I can just hear my mother. My automatic reaction to everything is to be scathing so I always have to take a moment before I reply. I hate when stuff slips out. Luckily he’s very patient but also willing to call me out.