Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Married/Unmarried/Blended - what’s the norm for families?

26 replies

Chocolateismynemesis · 01/01/2019 16:51

Just reading a news article about the new babies born today and of all the parents listed it appears that none are married. (All referred to as partners and all have different surnames.)

It got me thinking - in my DD1’s class at school I can only think of 5 sets of parents who are long term married (i.e. before the DC who are now 11 were born) and who are still together with no step-parents or siblings. That’s out of a class of 26. There are some I don’t know but I know most of them because the kids have been together since P1 (now P7).

I know less of DT’s year group because their classes have been mixed up more and they’re only in P4 but I do know a lot of parents who aren’t married, and a couple who have got married more recently.

In your experience - what’s the norm? If you were married before having DC and still married to the same person with no DC from previous relationships/marriages - are you unusual?

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 01/01/2019 16:54

For both of my DDs I think around half their class were not living with both their birth parents by the end of primary.

WontonSoupForTheSoul · 01/01/2019 16:56

I only know of one unmarried couple in my circle with a child. Very much the norm to marry first, have children afterwards.

BackforGood · 01/01/2019 16:59

Whereas there has certainly been a big shift over my lifetime, amongst people I know it is still the majority that get married, then have dc, then stay together long term.
However, I am glad that people can do what is right for them, without stigma unlike when I was young.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
TheNewYear · 01/01/2019 17:01

I’m married but different surnames. Married before we had any of our children and still married now. I often don’t wear a ring either and I’m sure plenty of people in passing or schools etc don’t realise I am married.

Kelsoooo · 01/01/2019 17:02

I think it depends on area too.

My norm is kids then marriage.

Lots of single parents in both DDs classes.

Far less blended families. I think. Probably wrong through, because most people assume that my family isn't a blended family (and I forget too, DH has been in DD1s life since she was 6months and as we have no contact with her biofather, and extended family, DH has PR...we forget that he isn't blood related) so I'm assuming there are a few like us.

HollySwift · 01/01/2019 17:07

Most parents I know are married, but not necessarily still together/with first children’s parents.

DH and I have been together nearly 11 years, have 3 DC together. Only one born after we were married Grin I also have 1 DC from my previous relationship. I’m 30 and he’s 34. DS2 (our eldest together) is unusual in having parents still together.

Escolar · 01/01/2019 17:10

Most parents I know are married, and are still married to the other parent of their child.

Belindabauer · 01/01/2019 17:18

I read somewhere that the average 14year old is either not living with both their biological parents or, one of both of them have a child to someone else.
Out of my close circle of friends 3 of us are remarried. 1 has children to 2 men, 2 only have children to their ex h and the 4th doesn't have children but her husband does.
My dd2 boyfriend parents are no longer together, both his parents have older children with other people.
DS gf parents are married but her mum has 2 children before she married her current husband.
Dd1 bf has a half sister. Her dad has children with one other woman and is now a step dad to a third partner. Dd1 bf dad has died so his mum is a widow.

I do have friends who have been married only once.
I think this is getting rarer though.

Belindabauer · 01/01/2019 17:19

I also know lots of blended families but you would not know they are blended families.

Belindabauer · 01/01/2019 17:23

I also know of people who change their child's name to that of their new partner, even though the new partner is not their father.
A relative of mine has 2 children and both have been brought up as her partners, he is not their father though but they tell everyone that he is their dad.

RiddleyW · 01/01/2019 17:24

Out of my NCT group (8 of us) and the nursery people I know well enough (5 couples) everyone is married and no blended families.

Will be interesting to see if that continues. The children are all 4.

Was thinking the other day my family must be a bit of a statistical anomaly. There are 12 cousins on my maternal side. All 12 married with children all marriages still going no step children.

Original poster
Chocolateismynemesis · 01/01/2019 19:16

Riddley I would say that my maternal family would be similarly rare - 13 of us of which 9 are married and all are married once before having children. Of the 4 who are not married there are no children or cohabiting relationships. My parents and all aunts/uncles on maternal side are also all still together. Having said that - of the 9 of us who are married only 1 has in-laws who are still together! I hadn’t actually realised that until now.

My circle of friends from university and within church it is very much the norm to be married first and stay married. (Out of all mine and DH’s university friends who are married (20+ people only one has split up - the rest are all still together with marriages between 10-25 years each)

At the DC’s school though and in our local area it does seem that we are something of a rarity. We live in a pretty affluent area with the majority of households having both parents working in professional jobs.

OP posts:
MummySharkBabyShark · 02/01/2019 05:46

Interesting thread. Thanks.

I am married with a step child and a child but this is a first in either mine or my husbands families. My sister is separated (never married) with one child and this is another first in our family.

I really don’t think family composition matters as long as love is there.

planespotting · 02/01/2019 05:52

Married with our own surnames

Jiminybikkit · 02/01/2019 07:25

I'm married but have kept my own surname.

I would say it's 50/50 when I think about it. One side of my family has a tendency to marry young but to stick together, the other side they marry later but partner swap every few years!

Amaaboutthis · 02/01/2019 07:36

Every single child in my youngests class is married and had children after marriage. One child is from a second marriage and has half siblings from dads previous marriage.

Every single one of eldest’s crowd age 16 has married parents who were married before they were born. The only exception is one who has a parent who died when they were young.

I’m not certain about middle. Almost all her friends have married parents although I think that one / maybe 2 may be divorced. All were married before they were born.

Our friends were all married before kids apart from one couple who married when their kids were young. No blended families, no divorces so far. Many celebrating 20th anniversaries around now

I think we may be unusual

KanielOutis · 02/01/2019 07:44

I'm married to second DH, children from first. DH has no biological children. Changed childrens name by deed poll to second DH name, with permission of first, because first DH no longer uses his surname, so the children didn't have a family name. From the outside, we look like one family and no one would suspect we are blended. Youngest DD has a lot of DH mannerisms even though he isn't her natural father.

Original poster
Chocolateismynemesis · 02/01/2019 08:37

I don’t think there are many blended families among my DC’s classmates (although I totally accept that I may just not know they are blended), I can only think of a few, but unmarried parents does seem to be the norm. I know quite a few parents who have been engaged for 10+ years but never got married.

OP posts:
pineapplehead123 · 02/01/2019 08:42

In my circle everyone is married before dc. All the parents of dc in my dd year 1 class is still married. There is one gay couple that have dc as well.

Belindabauer · 02/01/2019 12:52

It's definately more common not to be married than it was.
My grandma had lots of siblings. Every single one of them was married before having children. Not one of them got divorced. There were no step children either.

Kismetjayn · 02/01/2019 12:56

Most parents of DD's friends are long term first marriages.

I will be the only young single mum and do feel a bit awkward about it but what can you do. A lot of it is down to the area we live in.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 02/01/2019 13:02

Amaaboutthis, how on earth do you know all that about the parents of the children in your child's class? I wouldn't even have known that about all the parents of my (now adult) child's group of friends, never mind that of the other 29 children in his class.

Amaaboutthis · 03/01/2019 18:26

Small class, parents all know each other.

The others are my children’s friends, I’ve no idea about the relationships of the other 130 or so kids in their year. I think unusually for secondary school I have got to know all the parents of their friends, many of them socially too

icebearforpresident · 03/01/2019 19:22

I don’t know the majority of parents in my daughters class but my town in general is a lot of single parent families.

Everyone in my circle of friends got married then had kids apart from one who got pregnant when she was engaged and was married by the time she gave birth.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 03/01/2019 22:10

About 1 in 3 women keep their own names on marriage now, so that doesn't really tell you anything. If the article refers to all of them as partners then it's probably stylistic, since slightly over 50% of babies are born to married parents. Maybe easier all round to stick with the neutral term.

Swipe left for the next trending thread